


'til the walls fall down

by Tabitha Craft (Tabithacraft), Tabithacraft



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Normal High School, Artist Clarke, Clexa, F/F, Fluff and Smut, HSAU, High School, Past Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin - Freeform, Photographer Lexa, Sad Lexa, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2018-06-08 09:27:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 57,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6848884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tabithacraft/pseuds/Tabitha%20Craft, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tabithacraft/pseuds/Tabithacraft
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lexa moves to Arcadia High after the death of her brother, who was also her guardian. She's living with her Uncle Gus who she doesn't really know, and her cousin Anya is heading off to college. She meets Clarke, the "princess" of Arcadia High, when the girl falls on top of her when her boyfriend (soon to be ex) decides to maul her in the halls.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Falling

**Author's Note:**

> This is the HSAU that was requested on tumblr. It's just two parts but they're long. I will probably post the next part next weekend.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa meet in the halls of Arcadia High. Clarke's friendly but Lexa isn't interested in making friends at her new school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is just a two parter. I haven't written high school in forever but this was requested in an anonymous ask on tumblr. I'm working through them all! Slowly but surely. Thanks to both Jaelle90 and Recklessarrow for reading this through for me:) 
> 
> Part 2 will probably be in a week!
> 
> I'm really quite nervous about this and I hope you all like it. Feedback, constructive criticisms, and comments in general would be wonderful!

**Chapter One**

The first time Clarke touched Lexa it was definitely a mistake. Bellamy Blake was kissing her, that annoying kind of kiss some guys seemed to think were ok in public, when really they weren't especially when the girl involved with said kiss was vocalizing her displeasure. He was backing her up, probably aiming for the wall of lockers, but instead Clarke's ass hit her head. Lexa was crouched next to her bag, packing a bunch of stuff from her locker into it, when the blond stumbled under Bellamy's ardent intentions. Clarke yelped as she lost her balance and fell, landing on Lexa's lap. Given that Lexa was only crouching, the full and unexpected weight of the other girl caused her to fall onto her ass, as her papers scattered. Lexa let out an oomph of surprise and pain, and immediately wished she hadn't when Clarke bashed Bellamy's helping hands away in favour of turning bright blue apologetic eyes on her from where she now lay sprawled on top of her. Lexa had only ever seen Clarke from a distance and with her now up close she couldn't help but notice the amazing cleavage, the wonderful curves and those long legs of seemingly endless soft skin. Not to mention Clarke's perfect face with those expressive azure eyes which were now staring into hers. She swallowed nervously and looked away as the girl, still in her lap, began to apologize, 

'Oh my god, I'm sorry. My boyfriend is a total ass,' she gave a weak smile and glared at Bellamy who once again tried to help her. 'I'm fine, alright? Just leave me. And next time remember I don't like being fucking mauled in public,' she growled as Lexa pushed some of Clarke's silky blond hair out of her face and mouth where it had ended up as the girl chastised her boyfriend. 

'Whatever Clarke. You need to chill out,' he held up his hands in a mocking surrender and stalked up the hall, clearly irritated.

'Uh, neither do I, uh, like being mauled,' she gestured rather pointedly to the way they were collapsed together. 

'Fuck, yeah ok,' Clarke began to scramble to her feet, one hand landing on Lexa's thigh, burning it through her jeans, before the girl trailed it up to her knee, putting the other on her shoulder as she made an effort to push to her feet. Once standing she held out a paint smudged hand to Lexa who stared at it for a beat before taking it and allowing Clarke to pull her to her feet as well. 

'Thanks,' she mused wryly, bending to retrieve her back pack and sighing at her messed up papers, stuffing them into her bag to sort out at home. 

'I'm Clarke,' the blond girl smiled, all wavy locks, short skirt and scrappy tank top. 

'I know,' she muttered irritably glaring at her. 

'I don't know your name?' Clarke was giving her the rather obvious once over, eyes lingering on her arm tat and then fixing on her eyes in an almost creepy way. Eye contact was good, but Clarke's was too much. Lexa looked away,

'I'm new.'

'I'm sorry I bumped into you like that. Bell seems to think it's funny to embarrass me by being gropey in public,' pink rose to her cheeks and Lexa shifted uncomfortably, casting a furtive glance at the girl - the pink made Clarke's blue eyes stand out even more. 

'And you?' she raised a somewhat cynical eyebrow, avoiding the intensity of Clarke's gaze by staring just over her shoulder. She then worried that would make her seem odd and turned her eyes back to the intense stare of the other girl. 

'Well I hate it. He's an inconsiderate ass towards the other kids in the halls,' as she answered Lexa watched her eyes dance across Lexa's face, zeroing in on one feature and then skimming to another. It was extremely unnerving.

'If you don't like it, he shouldn't do it,' Lexa shrugged. 

'Oh, he's just being funny,' Clarke dismissed and she rolled her eyes at that,

'Ok. Well see ya around,' she stated and was about to stalk off when Clarke huffed a little. She knew she was being a grumpy shit, but it was her first week of senior year at a new school and some preppy girl had knocked her into an undignified heap on the floor. And not just any preppy girl, but the one everyone seemed to know and talk about. Clarke was the president of chess club, the president of science club, on the honour roll, in the drama club, the only thing she wasn't head of was the fucking cheerleading squad, but only because she played soccer as the captain of the schoo, team. Clarke was the fucking princess of Arcadia High, and Lexa was way out of her comfort zone. She was an interloper on foreign land and Clarke was the queen. Lexa knew what high school queens were like - cold, bitchy and mean. She certainly didn't expect Clarke Griffin to be any different. 

'I _am_ sorry,' Clarke repeated and she managed a curt nod in response. 'What's your name?'

'Lexa,' she admitted reluctantly because seeing as the girls locker was next door to hers she was going to have to deal with Clarke all year. 

'Lexa...that's pretty. Is it short for Alexandria? Alexa?'

'It's just Lexa,' she gave another officious nod and hurried off down the hall. 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

The next time Clarke touched her it wasn't an accident and it scared her half to death. Lexa had her earphones on. They were the one expensive thing she owned - wireless, outside sound minimizing and wonderful. Her music was loud - 90‘s grunge on her playlist, and Clarke scared the living crap out of her when she tapped her on the shoulder to get her attention, laughing when she jumped. 

'Clarke,' she gave a nod of recognition. It was three days since the sprawled in the hallway incident and she'd not had any real contact with the other girl, save for a shared advanced sciences and math class, during which she avoided the blond as if she were a biter on the Walking Dead. 

'How's it going?' Clarke asked, leaning against the locker beside her. Clarke had her hair drawn back in a messy pony tail today and there was a splatter of green paint on her cheek that she was apparently unaware of. She was far too beautiful, Lexa decided, and when Clarke bit her bottom lip for a moment, she decided sexy might be a better description than beautiful. If she had to pick one word that was. If she didn't, there would be a rather long list of favourable adjectives. Lexa found her brow furrowing, as she attempted to stop thinking of words to describe the girl and focussed on why on earth Clarke would be talking to her, especially when other people might see.

'It's going ok.'

'You said you're new. Where did you transfer from?' Clarke was the epitome of relaxed, and her eyes crinkling slightly as she narrowed in on Lexa's eyes. The girl seemed to be really obsessed with direct eye contact. 

'Uh...D.C.,' she admitted, highly suspicious of the motives behind Clarke's friendliness, and let her eyes drop. They fell to Clarke's lips in time to see her pink tongue wet them. Fuck. She dropped them lower, but lower was the blonds rather impressive cleavage which looked utterly delectable in the top she was wearing, so Lexa settled on staring at her own hands for a second. Clarke made her nervous - she didn't trust girls like the one before her. The girl clearly had money. It was obvious. Her clothes were new and well designed, the backpack was some brand all the girls seemed to want, and she just had that polished, preppy look, despite the sketchpad that was constantly sticking out the top of her bag, and the charcoal and paint smudges on her hands and arms, and today her face as well. Lexa was not preppy. Her clothes were dark and old, and scrounged from thrift stores and then altered as necessary. Where Clarke was all golden, Lexa was darker - her hair wasn't quite as long as Clarke's, but it also curled, and yet she wore it with braids entwined in it, more styled than Clarke's carefree look - everything about her was less carefree than Clarke. Lexa knew she looked poor and that the two of them must look odd standing together. People probably thought Clarke was asking her for drugs or something. The tattoos on her arms, the ear and tongue piercings, they only served to emphasize the differences between them. 

'Oh, I love D.C,' Clarke said brightly.

'Not the bit where I lived, believe me,' she gave a tight smile. 

'Oh. Ok. How come you're in Boston now?'

'I moved in with family,' she stated succinctly and turned to leave. 

'Lexa,' Clarke called after her and with a sigh she turned and stared apprehensively at the blond, who was biting her bottom lip and looking ridiculously pretty. Lexa huffed softly, because it was not worth her sanity to even think of having a crush on someone like Clarke Griffin and she knew that. 'I'm having a party this weekend. You should come. Most of the kids from our senior class will be there.'

'Uh...' Lexa had no idea what to say. She wasn't opposed to parties. She actually liked them. When she had friends at them. This would be a party of strangers. Well a party of strangers and Clarke. 

'Really. Look,' Clarke pulled out her phone (the latest iPhone of course), 'give me your number and I'll text you the details, ok?'

'Ok,' Lexa couldn't refuse without being rude, and so reeled off her number. 

'Please come, ok?'

'I'll see if I'm free. I might have to work,' Lexa prepared to walk off again. 

'Where do you work?' Clarke called and so she turned back. 

'In my uncles diner.'

'Ah, cool. What's his diner called?' Clarke asked and Lexa wondered why they were even still talking,

'Polis,' she answered gripping the straps of her bag, trying to physically hold herself in one spot in order to finish the conversation.

'Oh I know it,' Clarke's blue eyes lit up. 'My friends and I always joke that it's a Polish diner but the h fell off.'

'No,' Lexa shook her head and gave a forced smile. 

'Sorry, I wasn't trying to be rude,' Clarke astutely read Lexa's stance and narrowed her eyes, 'why is it called Polis then?'

'I don't know...some thing to do with the Stars...I think it was originally supposed to be Polaris, but for some reason he shortened it to Polis.'

'Why don't you ask him?' Clarke gave her a searching look and she felt her cheeks burn,

'I don't really know him,' she muttered and turned, deciding it was definitely time to leave.

'I'll message you Lexa,' Clarke called after her. 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

Clarke had messaged three times. The first had given her the address and time of the party. The second had urged her to come. The third had informed her that there was a pool and Lexa should bring her swim suit if she thought she might like to swim.

'You gonna go to that party?' Anya was sat on her bed. Lexa wasn't close to her cousin. They'd only met that summer for the first time since they were kids, and as Anya was going to be leaving for college that weekend there had been little motivation to bond. 

'I won't know anyone.'

'Except the girl who invited you,' Anya shrugged. She was blunt as two bricks slammed in your face but Lexa felt like she was looking out for her most of the time. 'Which girl was it? I might know her.'

'Clarke Griffin,' Lexa filled in.

'Holy fuck! Clarke Griffin invited you to her party? You mean personally came up and invited _you_?'

'Yeah,' Lexa admitted face flushing. 'Why?'

'Well it's just, well, that's...kinda unexpected,' Anya picked at the fraying seam of Lexa's duvet cover.

'Why? What's she like?' Lexa told herself she was only interested because she was the only girl she knew, not because her pulse raced whenever she was close. 

'Well she's the fucking queen of the school and you're,' Anya waved her hand uncertainly over Lexa in general, 'well you. She's clever - not just average clever but like a fucking bright spark, valedictorian clever,' her cousin continued, 'but she is a total princess. She's the only child of a doctor and engineer, except her dad is like the company CEO and her mom runs the hospital or whatever. They're so wealthy, it's like their bank accounts had babies . I think Raven Reyes, you know the gorgeous Latina girl Clarke's always with, with the big brown eyes and a killer wit?' Anya waited for her nod which she gave - Raven was always with Clarke and apparently she was subconsciously super aware of Clarke, which meant she'd seen Raven, 'well I think she lives with her or something. Anyway...I don't know...Clarke's always prom queen, but she's not just one thing. She's an annoying all rounder - smart as all hell, sporty and some incredible artist though I've never seen her stuff. She's all around amazing. But there's this rumour...'

'What rumour?' Lexa echoed.

'That she killed this other student, Finn Collins. He died a couple of years ago.'

'What?' Lexa looked at her cousin sharply, convinced that she was taking the piss. 

'Oh I don't know if it's true, no one really knows what happened, but they were in the woods together at a party and then Finn was dead. Whatever happened, it gave everyone a great excuse to hate her. Except they don't. They love her, or love to hate her, or hate to love her - I don't know. Whatever, they sure give her crap about stuff.'

'Oh.'

'Yeah. And I'm sorry cuz, but I'm afraid she's not someone you're ever gonna be friends with.'

'That's ok. I'm not really interested in making friends.'

'Ugh, you don't need to be so depressing Lexa. I get that your life is pretty shit and I know my dad isn't the warmest soul on earth, but there'll be someone in the school you can connect with, you know? Even if it's not gonna be Clarke Griffin.'

'Yeah, whatever,' she shrugged. 

'I get that your last school had a bunch of homophobic asses in it, I really do. But Arcadia is pretty liberal minded...' Anya attempted.

'We'll see,' Lexa muttered tightly. 

'Look, go to the party. I'll come with you.'

'No. I can't just bring my cousin.'

'Ask her then.'

'No,' Lexa shook her head, unprepared for the moment when Anya snagged her phone. They immediately began grappling for the device, but Anya was the fastest texter Lexa had ever met, and despite her vicious tackle, a message was still sent. 'Fuck you,' Lexa snarked, but her phone beeped almost immediately. 

**Clarke** \- Of course bring your cousin. No problem! I'm so glad you're coming!

'See,' Anya cackled. 'No problem.'

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

The party was the next time Clarke touched her, and even though it was just a squeeze of her hand Lexa could no longer pretend that her body wasn't wildly attracted to Clarke. Anya had abandoned Lexa not long after arriving at the party and Lexa had found herself a quiet spot on the roof of the garden shed. She'd used the fence to hoist herself up after snagging a bottle of disgusting peach snappes from the drinks table. She could hear sounds of the party and kids in the pool, but up on the roof she could see the stars and the cool air could float across her skin. She lay peacefully for a long time before nearby voices broke her daze.

'Come on Clarke,' the male voice had to be Bellamy Blake's, and it sounded whiny and preassurizing. 

'I'm not in the mood. Do I have to always be in the mood?'

'You're never in the mood anymore,' Bellamy mumbled. 

'My mood is directly related to how much of a dick you are if you haven't noticed. I don't know what happened, but you've been making some dumb decisions lately.'

'So if you don't like them, they're dumb are they?' Bellamy asked and Lexa shuffled herself across the roof to peer down into the darkness. 

'That's not how it is,' Clarke defended and Lexa could see her fair hair shining in the moonlight.

'Really? Because it seems that if I do anything you don't approve of it's automatically dumb.'

'You got in a car with Atom when he was drunk. That _was_ dumb.'

'It was _my_ choice.'

'And a dumb choice.'

'Whatever,' Bellamy's voice was laced with anger. 'You think you know everything, don't you? Fucking Clarke Griffin, child genius, wants to lecture everyone else on what to do and how to behave. Forget the fact that she's just a spoilt little princess. You know, not all of us have everything we want handed to us on a silver platter...'

'I know that Bellamy. When have I ever suggested I didn't?'

'Oh you think you get it because you offer me charity? Nice.'

'It's not charity,' Clarke's mouth set in a hard line and when the moonlight hit her eyes Lexa could see the sheen of tears in them. 

'It certainly feels like fucking charity.'

'Bell...' Clarke pleaded looking skyward. When she turned to look back at Bellamy, her eyes snagged on Lexa and she paused for a moment before he regained her attention,

'I'm going to get a drink. If you decide you want to have actual fun then come and find me, ok?' and he stormed off. 

'I didn't mean to listen in,' Lexa said after a couple of beats of silence. Clarke's eyes locked on hers again, before she was clambering up onto the roof, with far more ease than Lexa had managed, and then sitting beside her, and grabbing for the peach snappes,

'You could have at least snagged the tequila rather than this shit,' she grumbled.

'Yeah, this stuff is gross.'

'Entirely,' Clarke agreed as she knocked a hefty amount back. Lexa shifted uncomfortably on the roof, as she stared at the blond's glassy eyes, before her eyes fell momentarily to pretty lips and then the swell of Clarke's chest in the top she was wearing. 'It's rude to stare you know.' Lexa dragged her eyes reluctantly away,

'Yeah. Sorry.'

'It's fine.'

'Are you ok?'

'Hmmm, I guess,' Clarke put the bottle down and hugged her knees. 'Do you have a boyfriend?'

'No.'

'I wish I didn't,' she admitted and Lexa's eyes landed back on her. She looked beautiful and achingly vulnerable being kissed by the moonlight which made her skin look silvery. Lexa wondered what was going on inside of her head. 

'Really? All the time, or just today?'

'Definitely today,' was the ambiguous answer. 'I don't know...more often than not at the moment...'

'How long have you been together?' she asked, never usually good at these types of conversation. Clarke gave a small sigh,

'When weren't we? Our parents were friends. His sister has always been one of my best friends. I don't know...we just segued into a relationship from friends when we went through puberty.'

'That's a long time.'

'Yeah...and he used to be different,' Clarke looked at her, her bright blue eyes locking onto Lexa's. They were so stunning Lexa felt her heart speed up. 

'Different how?'

'Sweet. Thoughtful. He loved history. Was protective...annoyingly so...but now...now it's too much. He drinks. Basically said fuck it to school. Argues for the sake of arguing. He's got a chip on his shoulder about authority. His dad left home and his mom lost her job and so they're pretty much broke. He's angry about that. And I get it. But I hate it.'

'You don't have to suffer through it _with_ him in order to be there _for_ him,' Lexa reminded her and Clarke looked like she was thinking that over.

'If I end things aren't I just abandoning him the minute things get tough?'

'You're eighteen...you didn't vow to be together for life and people change. You don't have to be his girlfriend and take the abuse. You can be his friend...'

'I guess...I just...the thought of doing that to him...' Clarke shivered a little.

'Does he make you happy?'

'Not really. He's fairly mean. He blames a lot of stuff on me,' Clarke admitted and gave a rather large sniff.

'That's not ok,' Lexa felt her brow furrow.

'I know,' Clarke nodded. 'But it's hard because although he's my boyfriend he's also my friend.'

'You don't have to accept his abuse because he's your friend - in fact you shouldn't.'

'I know. I do know. I just...'

'No. Tell him. Tell him it's ok to be upset and angry, but blaming others isn't.'

'Hmm, I could try,' she gave a small smile. 'Not entirely sure how that would go down.'

'Who's his sister?'

'Octavia. She's on the soccer team with me. She's our best player.'

'How does she get on with her brother?'

'She used to idolize him...but she's noticed the change in him too. She doesn't know what to think.'

'It's high school...your relationship can end. Ending it doesn't make you a bad person.'

'I know,' Clarke nodded, but Lexa didn't believe her. They fell into silence and Lexa lay back on the roof after a couple of minutes. She was surprised when Clarke lay back beside her. 'Do you miss D.C?'

'No.'

'Did you have lots of friends there?'

'Some.'

'But no boyfriend?' the way Clarke said it stirred something in Lexa's belly. Clarke asked the question as if she _knew_. As if she were looking inside of her and could see the word gay inscribed on her heart and brain. Lexa's heart pounded. 'Any girlfriends?'

'No.'

'I meant did you have a girlfriend in D.C?' Clarke had rolled on her side and was leaning on her elbow and staring at her. Lexa set her mouth in a tight line and because she didn't know how to answer she remained silent.

'I'm don't care that you're a lesbian,' Clarke said, and Lexa's heart pounded harder because pretty girls had said that before, but they did care and they ensured everyone knew about it and cared too. 'Lexa,' Clarke moved even closer. 'I don't care.'

'That's what girls like you always say, before you tell everyone and then I'm being called dyke in the hallways at school, so whatever...' Lexa sat up abruptly and was about to scramble down from the shed when Clarke caught her hand, and her skin burned, her pulse racing from the contact and the conversation. This was not good. 

'I'm not one of those girls,' Clarke hastened to reassure, but all Lexa could do was blink,

'We'll see.'

**OXOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

Lexa was hyper self-conscious when she headed into school on Monday morning. But everyone ignored her, much as they had the previous week. She kept waiting to be slammed into the lockers, to have the whispered conversations start up around her before someone yelled some slur or another, but it didn't happen. 

As the week went on she began to breathe easier, hopeful that perhaps Clarke wasn't going to out her and bad mouth her to the entire student population. Her heart had pounded ridiculously hard throughout math and science and she hadn't been able to stop herself stealing glances at Clarke and her utter perfection. Lexa had noticed back after that first meeting that Clarke sketched throughout every lesson and didn't take any notes ever, but could somehow answer any question the teacher asked. This made her insanely jealous, but mostly awed. Clarke was an enigma and Lexa knew she was becoming obsessed, because she sought out blond hair everywhere she went in school. It was on the first Thursday after the party that she noticed Clarke looking at her. And Clarke wasn't subtle. Lexa was all shifting eyes and half glances, but Clarke - she let her chin rest in her hand, elbow on the desk and turned her entire body so she could stare at her. It made Lexa flush bright red and feel overly self conscious. For almost an hour Lexa could sense Clarke's eyes on her, but she refused to look, staring intently at the board and taking notes. A couple of minutes before the bell her eyes slid of their own accord to the beautiful girl, and locked onto Clarke's, who was still unabashedly staring. Lexa couldn't look away, even when she saw that Clarke's left hand scooting over her sketchpad. 

The bell broke the eye lock between them and Lexa rushed to pack up, fumbling over papers and folders before rushing out. 

Clarke found her at her locker, where she was trying to reorganize her things as quickly as possible in order to avoid the girl. 

'Hi,' her throaty voice made Lexa's stomach clench. 

'Hi.'

'Math was interesting,' Clarke smirked and Lexa nodded flushing wildly,

'Yes.'

'Are you ok Lexa?' Clarke's hand landed on hers and Lexa's skin burned, all over, especially when she squeezed it softly.

'I'm fine.'

'You want to come over tonight?'

'I can't.'

'You have work?'

'No,' Lexa couldn't think.

'Then come over.'

'Why?'

'So we can talk?' Clarke shrugged. 

'No.'

'Please?' Clarke's eyes pleaded with her, her eyes closing and her long lashes resting on her cheeks for a moment. 

'Ok,' her protests died in her throat. 

'Seven ok?' Clarke looked pleased.

'Sure,' she turned and sped off as quickly as she could.

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

Clarke was sat on her front lawn when Lexa biked up. She'd thought about not going, thought it might all be some Carrie esq trick but decided she'd rather know than live in fear of impending doom.

'Cool bike,' Clarke smiled. 'Wanna bring it in the back so it doesn't get stolen?'

'Yeah, ok,' Lexa gave Clarke a searching look because her bike was an old rust bucket of Anya's which had been left outside in the rain on the front lawn of their crappy house for years and never been stolen - or so Anya said.

'Come on,' Clarke nodded her head in the direction of the house, which they entered by the back door, walking through a huge, gleaming kitchen before passing a den where Raven Reyes was sat fiddling with wires and unidentifiable parts, building something or other. 

'Hey Clarke...hey girl I don't know.'

'Rae, this is Lexa. She's new at school,' Clarke said and Raven momentarily put down the two metal pieces she was att smelting to join together.

'Lexa,' she rolled the name on her tongue. Raven was gorgeous - a complete contrast to Clarke, with her dark eyes and hair, and her darker skin that was clear even in the excesssively bright lights shining on her. Lexa was jealous of the pretty skin, her own sometimes suffering. Raven's eyes were appraising her from head to toe. 'Well you're fucking pretty aren't you!?' she gave her a nod.

'Uh,' Lexa didn't know what to say. Raven's head tilted to one side,

'Where did you transfer from?'

'D.C.'

'Oh. You like Arcadia so far?'

'It's ok,' she shrugged. 

'How'd you meet the princess?'

'Her boyfriend was trying to make out with her and she fell on top of me,' Lexa answered and Raven laughed,

'Well that's one way to say hello Clarke,' Raven teased.

'My ex-boyfriend,' Clarke clarified and Lexa's eyes snapped to her in surprise. 

'Yeah, yeah...we'll see how long that lasts,' Raven gave a dismissive shrug. 'Have fun!'

'We will. Come on Lexa,' Clarke slipped her hand into Lexa's and dragged her up the stairs. Lexa knew it was just a friendly gesture, but Clarke's hand felt nice. It wasn't entirely smooth, she could feel paint, and a small callous on her index fingers, and they were slightly dusty, from the charcoal she'd been drawing with on the front lawn, but Lexa definitely liked the feel of Clarke's hand wrapped around hers. 

She was pulled by Clarke into her bedroom and Lexa gaped, wide eyed, because it was nothing like she had expected. The nickname princess had created images of pink, frilly and opulent decor, whereas in reality Clarke's bedroom was basically an art studio with a bed. The walls were painted and only thin chiffon material of reds, oranges and gold hung over the windows. There were three easels with art work in various stages, and a wall covered with sketches that had been stuck on it with sticky tac. The floor was wooden, and void of anything but art materials. There was a desk covered with books and papers, a chair in front of it laden with clothes, one bulging bookshelf and the double bed with pristine white sheets on it and a rainbow patchwork quilt. 

Lexa stared around the room in awe, trying to take everything in. It was impossible because each piece of artwork grabbed her and dragged her into it and she ended up staring for such a long time that Clarke had to poke her. 

'Lexa,' she was smiling at her. 

'Your room is amazing,' her eyes flittered around again and stared at the three pieces of work on the easels, all swirling oils. She moved to the wall of sketches and was shocked to see her face staring back at her. 

'I did that in math class,' Clarke's warm breath fanned across her neck because she was _that_ close. 

'It's...fuck, you're really good.'

'I'm obsessed. It drives my mom crazy. I have an aptitude for medicine...or so those stupid tests say. But I don't want to do medicine. All I want to do is art.'

'Well you're clearly talented,' Lexa stared at a sketch of an eye, the green of the iris made up with an array of trees, the leaves all different shades of green.

'That's your eye,' Clarke laughed a little sheepishly. 'I've never seen anyone with eyes like yours.'

'Huh?'

'So green,' Clarke shrugged. 'Beautiful.'

'Hmmm,' she blushed, having never thought of her eyes as anything outstanding. She did like her eyes - they were big and long lashed, and the colour was nice, but she was still surprised and thrilled that Clarke deemed them pretty enough to draw. _Beautiful_ enough to draw. 'So are you going to take art at college?'

'I would. If I had a say. I'm applying to premed,' Clarke sighed.

'Oh.'

'What about you?'

'Oh...I'm not going to college,' she shrugged. 

'Why not?' Clarke frowned. 'You're obviously smart - you give me a run for my money and I know I'm smart.'

'Yeah...I don't know about smart enough for a scholarship, especially because my GPA sucks.'

'Oh?' Clarke eyed her.

'I missed lots of school.'

'Want to talk about it?' 

'Not really,' Lexa shrugged and moved to squat before Clarke's bookcase. It wasn't filled with the books she was expecting. It was stacked with comics and science fiction - Kurt Vonnegut, Philip K Dick, every annual of the Buffy comics, piles of other comics and the Watchmen to name a few. Lexa turned to stare at the blond girl who had flopped onto her bed and was gazing back at her. 'You're not what I expected.'

'And what did you expect Lexa?' Clarke looked positively coquettish and it released butterflies en masse into her stomach. 

'Uh...'

'A stuck up princess?'

'I guess.'

'What else?'

'First impression?' Lexa asked moving cautiously to sit beside her. 

'Yeah?' Clarke crossed her legs and sat facing her. 

'Well you fell on me while making out with your jock boyfriend.'

'Ex.'

'I thought you would be mean. Above people. _Cold._ '

'And now?' Clarke leaned close and Lexa hated herself for letting her gaze fall to her lips. It was stupid and dumb and would end in disaster. 

'I don't know,' she admitted. Clarke seemed nice. Interesting. Intriguing. She seemed complicated and down to earth. But Lexa couldn't trust that. She'd trusted a girl like that before. 

'Do you want to know what happened with me and Bell?'

'Yeah,' she shrugged and Clarke moved to lean against the headboard and patted the spot beside her. Lexa hesitated and then sat beside her, kicking off her all stars first. 

'I told him I didn't like who he was becoming,' Clarke said.

'And?'

'He blamed me.'

'Right,' Lexa muttered tightly, 'he blamed you for his mistakes and who he is?'

'Something like that. I mean maybe I haven't been there for him? I am obsessed with my art. I like to hang out with my friends and he's just been so angry and cavalier with the people in his life lately that its fucked me off. Maybe if I'd done a better...'

'Trust me Clarke...I don't know you all that well, but if a guy feels the need to blame his shortcomings on you, his behaviour on you, then he really isn't worth it.'

'I don't know,' Clarke shrugged. 

'You seem pretty nice to me,' Lexa said. It would be a lie to say she hadn't been watching Clarke closely ever since the first time they met. Clarke was kind and sweet. She was friends with everyone it seemed - sincerely and genuinely on her behalf. The awkward kids, the nerds, the jocks...all of them. Not that they all liked her in return, and she'd heard the Finn Collins thing from at least two other people since Anya had told her. Lexa thought the resentment towards Clarke was unnecessary. She had watched Clarke help a guy pass his math test, seen her pick up garbage from around the school, and still she heard the muttered accusations of "princess." Clarke was thoughtful too. And she saw beauty in everything. She drew a picture of their math teacher, their awkward, balding, overweight math teacher and she made him look amazing, equations in the thought bubble above his head, the intelligence radiating. She drew beautiful pictures of lots of students, ones who didn't always see themselves as beautiful, the awkward students, the disabled students, as well as the popular ones. It wasn't about special treatment...it wasn't about pity. She seemed to draw the things that caught her eye. And she had drawn her apparently, which made Lexa's stomach feel funny. 

'I have what they call fake popularity,' Clarke shrugged. 'I'm wealthy and pretty and I'm bossy. I lead things because I can and I will and so people pretend to like me. I don't think they always do. Not genuinely. I..' She frowned, 'I once did something really bad...well I don't know...it was one of those situations...and lots of people...they can't forgive it. They want to hate me. I'm often the scapegoat for things that go wrong.'

'What did you do?' Lexa burst out, because it seemed like Clarke might share the details of Finn's death, and she couldn't pretend that _that_ particular incident didn't intrigued her. 

'You really want to know?' Clarke stared at her and Lexa wondered for a moment if she did. 

'Yes.'

'Well people blame me for the death of a student. Finn Collins.'

'They blame you?' she didn't think she needed to admit that she'd heard about Finn.

'Yes,' Clarke sighed. 'And maybe it is my fault. He was Raven's boyfriend and she asked me to look after him at this party up in the woods. She had work and he was drunk and refused to let her drop him home. It was all dumb. A stupid dumb accident. Finn was being an ass but it _was_ me....' Clarke trailed off.

'An ass how?' Lexa's eyes narrowed. Clarke looked to her open door and then jumped off of her bed to shut it. When she sat back down she was even closer than before. 

'He was saying he was in love with me. Telling me to dump Bellamy and be with him. Raven was my best friend then, just like now, but I was drunk. Bellamy and I had fought about something and somehow...somehow I ended up kissing Finn...'

'When was this?'

'Back when I was sixteen. It was stupid and wrong and I stopped almost immediately as soon as it started, but Finn didn't want to take no as an answer.'

'And what happened?'

'He forced the issue too much, wouldn't listen, and so I pushed him. The thing is I don't think he'd have tried to rape me. But he was drunk and trying to kiss me, and I didn't want him to and so I pushed him away and he fell. It was such an innocuous fall, but the way he landed, he landed against this tree stump and the root went into his head and he died nearly instantly.'

'Oh my god,' Lexa's eyes bulged and she momentarily questioned whether that could possibly be true. It seemed so far fetched, so awful, so out of keeping with this image she had of Clarke Griffin. She searched her face for subterfuge, for deception but met a serious face and clear, honest eyes. 'Are you fucking with me?'

'No,' Clarke shrugged. 'Raven...she was distraught. Finn was everything to her back then and she just knew something had happened between us...I tried to make up some shitty story, but I couldn't and....' Clarke's eyes filled with tears which she blinked back. There was clearly a whole lot more to the story but the girl clammed up. 'Let's not talk about this anymore.'

'Ok,' she agreed, unable to tear her eyes from Clarke's face. 'What do you want to talk about?'

'We don't have to talk,' Clarke smiled, all trace of tears gone, and Lexa's body burned at the insinuation. 

'You uh, wanna watch a movie or something?'

'Actually,' Clarke bit her bottom lip. 'I really want to draw you.'

'Oh,' Lexa was relieved she hadn't assumed the insinuation meant anything more because she would have been mortified. 

'Can I?'

'Sure,' she shifted uncertainly on the bed. 

'I'll put on the Walking Dead. You can watch that on my iPad while I draw?'

'Ok,' she agreed, blushing furiously.

They set up and Clarke pulled up a chair, her feet on the bed and the sketchpad against her knees, a pencil gripped in her fingers. She shoved the book on the bed and crawled across the bed before pulling the band from Lexa's hair and running her fingers through it, pulling it over her shoulders. Lexa found it hard to breathe with the girl so close she could smell her perfume and the conditioner in her hair. Her hands in her hair felt divine and just occasionally their skin would brush and it made Lexa want to moan. Clarke gave her a smile, all soft and warm,

'Why don't you tell me about you while I draw? Forget tv. I want to know everything about you.'

'I'm not that interesting.'

'I disagree,' Clarke shrugged. 'Who did you live with in D.C? Why did you move to Boston? What's your passion? Art? Music? Tattoos?' Clarke's fingers trailed over her arm tat and Lexa sucked in a breath. Clarke had to have heard, but she didn't move her hand, instead she traced the intricate line work with her fingertip. 'What does this tat mean?'

'It's for my brother.'

'You have a brother?' Clarke tilted her head to the side, fingers still running over her skin.

'Had.'

'Oh,' Clarke continued moving her finger. 'It's beautiful.'

'Thank you.'

'Is that why you moved here?'

'Yes,' she nodded. 'He was my guardian.'

'What happened to your parents?'

'You don't want to know,' she shrugged.

'I do,' Clarke insisted. 

'Are you going to tell people I'm gay?' Lexa burst out.

'Why would I do that?' Clarke frowned. 

'I don't know,' Lexa admitted. 'It's what happened before.'

'That's something for you to reveal when and _if_ you're ready,' Clarke gave her a soft look.

'How did you know?' She had to ask. It had been driving her nuts. 

'You keep looking at my lips,' Clarke shrugged with a small giggle. 'And my boobs. I don't even think you realize you're doing it. If you weren't a lesbian you were definitely into me because your eyes were all dark and wanting.'

'Fuck,' Lexa swore.

'It's ok,' Clarke smiled. 'I'm flattered. And I like looking at you too,' she looked towards her sketches. 'You're my favourite thing to draw at the moment.'

'Yeah?'

'Yeah,' Clarke moved her hand over Lexa's shoulder, smoothing her fingers over the skin. 'Do you find me attractive Lexa?' the words were so soft she almost thought she'd imagined them. She'd been asked this before. Straight girls looking for an ego boost. Looking for something and using her to get it. And yet she couldn't find it in herself to lie.

'Yes,' she swallowed. Clarke looked pleased with that and sat for a long moment appraising her, 

'Would you let me draw you naked?' 

'No,' she yelped, shaking her head. 'No way.'

'I'm not trying to be a creep. You just...you're beautiful and I can tell you have an amazing body,' Clarke's eyes roved over her.

'No,' she blushed and shook her head again. Clarke just smiled, 

'It was worth asking I guess. Can I at least sketch your tat?'

'This one?' Lexa nodded to her arm and Clarke's blue eyes widened, 

'You have more than one?' She sounded thrilled.

'Yes,' she felt the heat rise to her cheeks. 

'How many do you have?'

'This arm,' she nodded to where Clarke's hand still sat. 'My wrist,' she turned over her left wrist to reveal stars, 'and one on my spine.'

'Oh,' Clarke bit her lip. 'Your spine. I want to draw that one.'

'You haven't even seen it.'

'I don't care,' she grabbed her wrist and ran her fingers over the stars. 'This is pretty.'

'I like it.'

'How did you manage to get tattoos when you're so young?'

'I'm eighteen, but my brother - he was a tattoo artist. His best friend did my shoulder. She wouldn't say no.'

'Oh,' Clarke sat beside her for a moment and then slid her fingers down from her wrist and into her hand, threading their fingers together. 'Is this ok?' she asked and though Lexa didn't understand quite why they were holding hands and what it meant she nodded. 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

That evening Clarke drew her shoulder tattoo. Then her face. While she sketched she talked and Lexa eventually opened up, albeit reluctantly. She didn't tell her about Lincoln, her brother was too precious, his death too fresh, and she still didn't trust that this beautiful girl, this sweet, kind girl who never stopped trying to make amends for a death that wasn't really her fault, would want to be friends with her. But she did speak about D.C. She told Clarke about Nia's bullying when she'd caught her and Costia in the changing rooms making out. She spoke about Costia leaving, being sent to some Catholic school far away. 

'As if that'll make her any straighter,' Clarke rolled her eyes. 

'People at my old school...they had a big problem with my sexuality. I was beaten up, the guys...the guys were fucking jerks and the girls were worse, and I just...I want to get through this high school without anyone finding out.'

'I'm not going to tell anyone, but I hope you'd be surprised by Arcadia.'

'Every school is the same,' Lexa informed her and Clarke smiled,

'When I came out no one had a problem,' she shrugged.

'Huh? Came out?' she felt like she'd been hit with a shovel, she burned with heat and her heart thundered as she stared at Clarke, poised over her sketch pad and smiling a small smile.

'I'm bisexual,' she said it casually as if that fact didn't cause Lexa to throw an internal ticker tape parade. 

'You are?' She gaped, unable to process the fact for a moment.

'Yes.'

'Have you ever had a girlfriend?'

'Well no. I've been with Bellamy since puberty.'

'But he knows? Your friends know?'

'Yes.'

'And you aren't worried? You don't think you'd get a lot of negativity if you actually got a girlfriend?'

'Well I hope not. Maybe,' Clarke seemed to be thinking and her nose wrinkled adorably. 'I'd have to actually get a girlfriend to know for sure.'

'Have you ever?'

'Ever what?'

'Kissed a girl? Had sex?' Lexa asked, unable to tear her eyes from Clarke who was still sketching.

'I've never done anything with anyone that wasn't Bell, except for that kiss with Finn. You?'

'Well yeah...with Costia.'

'You had sex with her?'

'Yes.'

'Hmm,' Clarke paused. 'So she got to see your back tattoo?'

'Well we were naked so yeah,' Lexa rolled her eyes. 

'Well now I'm jealous,' Clarke threw her sketchpad aside. 'Is that what I've gotta do to see it?' she smiled and the flirting threw Lexa into a mild panic as she fumbled around for words that wouldn't come.

'Well that or invite me to go swimming?' she mumbled eventually and Clarke laughed,

'Shall we go for a swim Lexa?'

'Yes, let's,' Lexa nodded, stiff from sitting for so long, and buzzing with nervous energy since Clarke's revelation, and from the oddly erotic feeling of Clarke's eyes all over her as she drew. 

'Ok, shall I grab a suit of Raven's for you?'

'She won't mind?'

'Of course not,' Clarke shrugged and Lexa realized that she and Raven had clearly resolved things since Finn, but chose not to ask about it because it was probably too soon in whatever this was between them. She watched Clarke head out of the room and return a minute later with a black bikini. It wasn't the swim suit of Lexa's choice but Clarke grinned and threw it at her, before heading to her chest of draws and pulling out something blue and heading into the ensuite bathroom. 'Change,' Clarke popped her head out for a moment and nodded at her. Though somewhat reluctant to pull off her clothes she did, stuffing her underwear into the pockets of her jeans and pulling her black tank on over the top of the somewhat skimpy bikini. Surely the skimpiness wouldn't matter once they were in the water?

'Ready?' Clarke appeared utterly resplendent in her blue bikini. Lexa didn't mean to stare but holy fuck her boobs were something special and that bikini she was wearing really wasn't big enough. 'Eyes up here Lexa,' Clarke stepped closer and despite her words, Lexa's eyes dropped momentarily to a toned stomach and a belly stud. Fuck. She hadn't expected the princess to have one of those, the shiny stud nestled in her perfect, cute belly button. Fuck. She shifted her eyes down but just landed on sexy legs and finally whipped the back up to Clarke's face. Sexy was Clarke personified. 

'Sorry,' she croaked, knowing full well she couldn't pull off pretending she hadn't been looking.

'I don't mind,' Clarke seemed pleased as she stalked past her forcing Lexa to follow her down to the pool, eyes fixed on her ass in that bikini. It was hard to focus, to think of anything but putting her hands on it, of pressing her face into Clarke's neck and smelling her, of getting a closer look at that belly button piercing. What the fuck was wrong with her? This girl was literally her only friend. 

'Eyes up Lexa,' Raven muttered, from the den as they passed, and she flushed wildly, eyes flicking to Raven who appeared to be entirely focussed on whatever she was working on, though she was definitely smirking.

'Rae's a mechanical whizz,' Clarke stated, turning to look at her, walking backwards through the kitchen. Lexa heard the words but kept reciting to herself, _eyes up, eyes up, eyes up._ Clarke stopped at the patio doors out to the garden and watched Clarke dive into the water and emerge looking wet and lovely, siren like as she paddled and stared up at her. 'Come in.'

'Is it cold?'

'No you wuss, it's not cold.'

'Ok,' Lexa shifted and then peeled off her tank, aware of Clarke's eyes on her. Without a second of hesitation she jumped into the pool. When she surfaced Clarke was there, paddling beside her. 

'Hey,' her smile was beautiful and she was so close their legs kept brushing together in the water. 

'Hi,' Lexa found herself smiling back. She couldn't think when she'd smiled as much as she did around Clarke. 

'Don't move,' Clarke paddled around her, 'wow,' her fingers hit Lexa's spine and trailed over the tattoo that traversed her entire spine. Lexa reached out and grabbed the edge of the pool. She was glad she had when she felt a soft flutter against her neck, right in the middle at the back, over her infinity symbol tattoo. Her body coiled pleasantly at the sensation and her heart threatened to hammer right out of her chest. 

'Fuck,' she hissed.

'I thought you chose swimming over that option,' Clarke slid her hands down from her shoulders and over the tattoo. 

'I think _you_ did,' Lexa turned in the water, blinking at Clarke. 

'You're really, _really_ pretty Lexa - I'm clearly a fool,' Clarke's voice was low and throaty, but then she was diving under the water and swimming away.


	2. "You should be my personal cheerleader!"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is persistent about being friends with Lexa. They spend time together and Clarke convinces her to come to one of her parties.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the feedback on this guys! So I said it would be two parts - and yeah, it's probably going to be 3 or 4. I should never limit myself - too many words has always been my problem:) Thanks to Jaelle90 for reading and making sure this was ok.
> 
> I love the feedback - love it:)

**Chapter Two**

Lexa left Clarke's not long after the swim, nerves and confusion getting the better of her. Raven had joined them in the pool, and even though she was friendly, Lexa had felt self conscious - especially after Raven's earlier all-knowing cat call about where her eyes were looking. Rationally it was deniable but she felt increasingly uncomfortable. Clarke hugged her goodbye, bikini clad breasts squashing up against her clothes that she'd changed back into, making them damp. 

'I'll see you tomorrow, ok?'

'Sure,' she bobbed her head, uncertainly. 

'Lexa we're friends now,' Clarke reassured, slipping her hand into Lexa's, fingers entwined for a moment. 

'Ok,' she pulled her hand free and walked over to her bike, aware of both Clarke and Raven watching her. It was silly - she'd become more at ease with Clarke through the course of the evening, opened up to her, and yet the presence of Raven made her weary and unsure. For a moment her mind flicked to Lincoln, to sitting down beside him on the couch and talking about all these new people, analyzing their sincerity, talking about Clarke, about how pretty and amazing she was. She tried to push the image out of her head, because the thought of him whole and healthy was all at once utterly overwhelming. She sucked in a deep breath, and tried to clear her head.

'You ok?' Clarke asked her and she nodded, as she unlatched the gate. She was surprised that Clarke then padded across the grass to actually look her in the eye, 'really? You looked so sad all of a sudden?'

'I'm fine ok. I just gotta go.'

'Ok,' the blond girl nodded, a frown on her face. 'See you at school.'

'Sure,' Lexa nodded, staring at where her hands were gripping the rusty handles of her bike, before she pushed through the gateway and let the gate slam shut behind her. She heaved in another deep breath once on the other side. Thoughts of Lincoln always led to thoughts of his death and the sadness consumed her. She'd only ever had her brother, one person who loved and cared for her. Without Lincoln she was alone, living in a strangers house. She was alone in the world and if the fact that she had no one to love her didn't make her feel small and insignificant, the fact that she had no one to love compounded it. Lincoln had given her a purpose - they looked out for each other, survived together. Except Lincoln didn't survive. And no one loved her and she had no one to love. All her feelings, were bottled up inside of her, saved and kept for her brother who no longer needed them. Of course his death didn't stop her loving him. If anything it made her love him with more urgency, with more pain. She was just so lonely. Missing him was a physical ache that beat through her, that kept her body awake all night, a pain so real it could make her falter at any moment. 

She was supposed to go home but she only made it to her uncles scruffy front yard before she fell to her knees and began to cry. 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

She didn't go to school on Friday, just lay on the rickety cot bed in Anya's room and tried to sleep, staring at the water stained bedroom ceiling. On Saturday Clarke sent a message.

 **Clarke** \- Are you ok? Are you sick?

Lexa didn't answer. She didn't answer the similar message on Sunday either, but after her uncle threatened to kick her out if she didn't go to school on Monday, she dragged herself from the bed and through the shower. She dressed slowly, methodically before heading out the door, kicking her rusty bike where it lay on the brown grass of the front yard. She walked because it would take longer. 

Clarke found her at her locker. 

'Lexa, are you ok?'

'I'm fine,' she rummaged through her locker contents to avoid the blue eyes staring at her. 

'Hey, it's ok,' Clarke insisted, but really life wasn't ok and so she just slammed her locker shut, pulled her bag onto her back and headed to her class without even glancing at the other girl. 

**OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO**

She hid in the bathroom during lunch, forgoing food in order to avoid the girl she couldn't stop thinking about. She couldn't avoid math though - not if she wanted to graduate. She slipped into the classroom late, but the only seat available was the second row from the front - her seat, so she had to shuffle past everyone in order to take it. Clarke turned in her chair and smiled at her, resting her chin in her hand as she watched her sit and get out her math stuff. Lexa flushed under the intensity of her gaze, but the pink on her cheeks only seemed to spur the other girl to smile, and she couldn't help but send a small smile back because her face was so bright, and so lovely. When the teacher, Mr. Kane, asked Clarke some complicated question to ensure she was listening and she answered it correctly without looking away from Lexa, the whole class snickered, and her stomach churned with nerves. But at the end of class, Clarke was the only one who accosted her.

'I have soccer, walk me there?' she stated, sliding her arm through Lexa's and rather insistently leading her away from her locker and towards the changing rooms.

'Is it, uh, a game or a practice?' she asked.

'It's a practice,' Clarke told her and whirled around to look at her. 'Lexa,' she was staring at her, lips pursed.

'Yeah?'

'When I message you, please reply, ok?' she stared at her eyes expectantly.

'It wasn't...I...it was just...' Lexa stuttered uncertainly. 

'It's ok...I get it...when Finn died I ignored everyone for a while and he wasn't someone I loved, and lived with. Grief is weird but it doesn't scare me Lexa. So don't hide even if you need to grieve. If I message and you're too upset to talk we'll have a code...'

'A code?' she frowned.

'Yeah...just text me a song lyric and I'll know you're blue and leave you alone. If you're blue and want company just type blue and I'll invite you over.'

'I could just ask if I can come over...' she offered up but Clarke rolled her eyes.

'A code is more fun,' Clarke pouted and Lexa caught her breath because fuck, the girl was adorable. Costia had been lovely, sexy and all that but she was storm cloudy like Lexa. There had been sweet qualities and soft moments, but Costia didn't do adorable, any more than Lexa did. Clarke, however, was a million things and one of them was definitely adorable. It made Lexa's toes curl as she fought the urge to press a kiss to the pout. 

'Ok, I'll text blue if I'm sad and want to come over,' Lexa appreciated the fact that Clarke knew she wouldn't want anyone at her Uncles - at least she wasn't being made to say it. 

'Good,' Clarke nodded. 'And I want you to come over tonight after practice. Octavia and Harper are coming too...'

'Uh...maybe another time. I have work,' she shrugged and Clarke frowned, the pout back. 

'Fine, tomorrow night just you and me - we'll watch a movie, yeah?'

'Ok,' she nodded shyly. 

'I'm gonna change - go get a good seat in the bleachers,' Clarke squeezed her hand. Lexa stared for a second at her paint splattered hand squeezing hers and nodded. 

**OXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOOX**

Watching Clarke play soccer was a turn on. Lexa was thrilled by the opportunity to stare at the girl with a bonafide excuse and yet she felt guilty because it was hot, watching Clarke get sweaty, watching her argue with the coach and tackle the opposition in their practice game. By the time the practice was over, Clarke had mud everywhere and was bleeding from her forehead. Instead of heading into the locker room with the others she skipped over the barrier and climbed the bleachers and slid into the seat next to her. She smelt amazing - fresh air, grass, mud and a tinge of sweat. Lexa was appalled at herself. 

'You're good,' she complimented shyly. 

'I'm great,' Clarke corrected with a chuckle. 'Will you come watch my game on Friday? Normally a bunch of us go to the woods and party after as well.'

'I'll come to the game,' she agreed. 'Cheer you on.'

'Me or the team?' Clarke arched a positively flirty eyebrow. 

'The team?' she answered uncertainly, hating how it came out as a question. 

'Boo...you should be my personal cheerleader,' Clarke put her feet up on the chair in front of her. 

'You're bleeding,' Lexa said when the silence had stretched for too long.

'Meh. It's just a scratch. You're not gonna come to the party in the woods are you?'

'No,' she shook her head. 

'Well then you'll have to come over on Saturday and make it up to me. We can do school work and then...I don't know...art and talk?'

'Sure...I could come over Saturday evening, but I'm working during the day.'

'Oh,' Clarke's face fell. 'Well tomorrow evening and Saturday evening you're mine.'

'And I'll watch your game Friday,' she smiled. 

'Yeah,' Clarke nodded before putting a hand on her thigh and using it to lever herself to standing. 

'Wait while I shower and I'll drop you at work?'

'You don't have too...'

'I know,' Clarke rolled her eyes as she skipped down the bleachers, over the barrier and off to the locker room.

**XOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXO**

The school year moved forward and while Lexa wasn't exactly happy, she found some contentment at Arcadia High - because of Clarke. She didn't really see much of her at school. After their shared classes Clarke would loiter at the door - never vice versa, because Lexa didn't put herself out there, she couldn't risk waiting because maybe Clarke wouldn't want her too. Clarke always waited and they'd chat briefly, the blond girl teasing her. Lexa would walk her to her next class, or her locker, or whatever it was she had on because Clarke always had things on - soccer practice, chess club, drama rehearsals and lots of friends. Occasionally they'd be at their lockers at the same time and they'd navigate the tight space together, Clarke smiling at her so hard she couldn't help but smile back.

The biggest difference in her day to day life at first was the messaging, and hanging out at Clarke's. They spent hours messaging one another back and forth - sometimes about nothing, just silly amusing messages, and at other times more serious things like their opinions on life, love, science-fiction and the universe. They'd debate the best way to survive the zombie apocalypse or Clarke would gossip about kids at school. They also spent hours together in Clarke's bedroom, the blond girl with a sketchpad on her knees drawing her incessantly. They spent so many hours in there that Lexa felt more at home in Clarke's bedroom than she did in her room at her Uncle Gus's. Sketching became painting, charcoal pictures, pastels - Clarke wanted to capture her in every medium. Lexa found it intimate to be drawn by Clarke who openly admitted she was obsessed with capturing her. Sometimes Clarke would move super close on the bed, kneeling over her and examining her face, and most particularly her eyes - she was never happy with how she'd drawn them, so then she'd move onto her lips. It was something akin to torture to have this beautiful girl whom she adored, fascinated with her lips, staring at them for hours on end. 

While Clarke would draw they'd usually talk, though sometimes Lexa would study or watch Netflix, or write her fantasy stories. Clarke opened up to her and in return she found herself sharing things about herself. Things she'd sworn not to share at her new school. Things she vowed to keep close to her heart, but Clarke had a way of drawing them from her. Clarke knew about her parents - the dad that had never been around and the mother that probably shouldn't have been. Clarke knew about Costia, and Nia, Indra, and her strange relationship with her cousin and Uncle. Clarke knew about when she first realized she was a lesbian. Clarke was beginning to know what made her, _her._

Every evening there'd come a point when Clarke would throw down her sketchpad, or kick away her easel and flop on the bed beside her. And those were the moments Lexa found herself living for. Clarke would sidle close and they'd talk sleepily, or she'd turn on some show on her iPad and they'd watch it, before it got late and Lexa would go home. Those moments were the best because of the way Clarke's hand would fall beside hers on the mattress. Lexa would be able to feel the buzz of electricity between them, and then at some point a finger of Clarke's would drag over hers. Her body would respond with fireworks and a pulse of desire totally disproportionate to the small touch, but her heart would pound and her mouth would go dry and whenever she'd turn her head to look at the girl beside her, blue eyes would be staring back at her. By the time it was so late she was in danger of missing her curfew Clarke's hand would be holding hers.

'Lexa,' Clarke threw down her sketchpad and crawled onto the bed, lying on her stomach, chin in her hands. 

'Clarke,' she smiled at her, putting her homework aside. 

'I wanted to ask you to come here on Saturday after my game...'

'You mean to your party,' Lexa shook her head.

'You came to the first party of the year,' Clarke protested.

'And hid on the shed roof,' she reminded the girl. Clarke was undeterred,

'This isn't that kind of party anyway...it's different...'

'Less people appeals less than more people,' she shifted awkwardly on the bed.

'What have you got against people? You can deal with me...'

'You're not going to shove me in a closet and beat me up,' she reminded her.

'They're not going to do that...'

'No, they'll just call me dyke under their breath and threaten to break my legs...'

'Drama queen,' Clarke said but Lexa shook her head,

'I'm not...you don't know what it's like in some places...what people can be like...the things they say...'

'No, but I know what the people here are like, what my friends are like and they won't care.'

'Please don't tell them,' she begged, feeling panic coil in her stomach. 

'I would never.'

'I know,' she admitted because over the last four weeks she had begun to trust Clarke. 

'But please come to my party Lexa?' Clarke gazed at her with beseeching eyes. 

'So you say the party is different, what do you mean by that?'

'Well don't dismiss it before I explain...'

'Oh my god, you play truth or dare don't you?' she asked and Clarke blushed prettily, 'no way...'

'We don't play truth or dare, well not unless Octavia is super drunk and scores a goal, so she gets to choose...but that's not going to happen...it's a hide and seek party...'

'A what?' she began to laugh, realizing it was the first time since...since... _Lincoln_...the laughter stopped abruptly. 

'This isn't like hide and seek when we're kids. We have two teams. The hiders and...'

'The seekers?' she interrupted and Clarke punched her gently,

'Yeah. We're confined to the house and it's super competitive. The seekers stay outside for five minutes and then have to find us. For each of the hiders they find the hiders all have to drink shots. For every five minutes that passes without finding the hiders the seekers have to drink.'

'So the hiders are all what...hiding with a bottle of booze?'

'You have to bring a bottle to play,' Clarke nodded as if that were entirely sane. 

'I don't know...'

'It's not socializing Lexa, and I'll make sure we're on the same team, ok? We'll be hiders which is always the best...'

'I don't know...' she shrugged a little. 

'Please, you'll see how fun it is, I promise,' Clarke reached out a hand and took Lexa's. Her skin buzzed where their fingers were touching, where Clarke's palm was pressed against hers. 'Please come, Lexa?'

'Ok,' she agreed reluctantly and Clarke grinned, squeezing her hand and then releasing it. 

'Well now I'm looking forward to it!' she grinned and snuggled down next her and switched on the television.

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

Clarke won the soccer game for her team. She scored a goal in the last five minutes of play and when she realized it was a goal, her eyes found Lexa in the bleachers, as her team crowed around her, and she kissed her fingers and flung the kiss towards her. Bellamy Blake, three rows below her caught it, but Lexa knew it was her kiss. A friendly kiss for sure, but a kiss that was hers. Of course Bellamy would think it was for him. He'd been her boyfriend for over four years. Lexa had finally gotten a duration of time out of Clarke. She frowned. Maybe the kiss was for Bellamy? Who was she to think it was for her? Why would Clarke kiss her? It probably _was_ for Bellamy she decided. Things had been cold between he and Clarke since the break up and Clarke had said several times that she missed him. Her cheeks burned with embarrassment at her mistake, but then the final whistle blew and the school team had won the game and were celebrating on the pitch with hugs and lifts. Lexa watched, transfixed, her heart racing and her stomach twisting with the painful realization that of course a girl like Clarke would never be hers. 

She rubbed her eyes and then looked back to the field where the team had finally put Clarke down. She watched as Clarke jumped the barrier between the field and bleachers and began to run up them, as if she hadn't just played ninety minutes of soccer. Bellamy stood, as if preparing for her to jump into his arms, his buddies laughing and punching his arm, but Clarke ran past them. She watched Bellamy mouth " _what the fuck_ " but then Clarke was stood in front of her panting,

'Did you see my goal?' she asked, so full of pride that Lexa had to smile, ignoring the turned bodies of Bellamy and his friends as they stared at them.

'It was magnificent,' she told her and Clarke beamed,

'I was so sure we were gonna stay level at one all and when their captain got the ball from Harper I was sure that was it, and I just couldn't have that...'

'You were amazing,' Lexa gushed honestly. 

'Thank you for watching,' Clarke seemed a little shy.

'I like soccer,' she lied. 

'Come with me to the locker room,' Clarke held out her hand, but Lexa saw the guys still staring and shook her head. 

'I can't...if it ever comes out...you know...people will say I was perving...'

'Oh for fucks sake, people are ridiculous,' Clarke huffed but didn't push the issue. 'Well don't move, ok? I'm gonna come back here and find you as soon as I don't smell disgusting...'

'You don't smell disgusting,' Lexa protested without thought and Clarke laughed brightly,

'I do!'

'Well I don't mind it...I like how you smell,' Lexa murmured. 

'Now that's pervy Lexa,' Clarke teased, flashing her a toothy smile.

'But not gay,' Lexa defended flashing a smile of her own.

'I think it's a lil bit gay,' Clarke giggled before blowing a kiss at her and running back down to the field. Lexa tried to hide her smile but it was hard. She pulled out her phone so she felt less awkward sat by herself, but she hadn't even unlocked it before Bellamy Blake was dropping into the seat beside her. Her heart began to hammer and she felt nauseous with anxiety as every possible reason he might have decided to sit next to her flooded through her head.

'You're Lexa Woods, right?' he was smiling at her but she didn't trust it. 

'Yeah.'

'New this year?'

'Yeah.'

'Clarke seems to like you?' Bellamy fixed his eyes on her, appraising her. 

'Hmmm,' she didn't know what to say to that, so she made a non-committal sound. 

'Clarke likes pretty things,' he continued, 'likes to draw them. Thing is she thinks the whole world is pretty.'

'You say that like it's a fault - to find beauty in everything,' she murmured trying to keep her tone even and light.

'It's not a fault...but it's hard when you're with someone who's always fascinated with something new...someone new...' he shrugged.

'She isn't with anyone so she can be fascinated by whomever or whatever she wants, right?'

'Well I want to be back with her,' Bellamy stated his intentions. 'I made her happy once and I can do it again. Clarke isn't the kind of girl you get over. She's...'

'Special,' Lexa filled in for him.

'Yeah,' Bellamy nodded his agreement with a small smile. 'She _is_ special. I'm gonna get her back...I know she loves me...I just...maybe you can help? You're coming to the Hide and Seek party right? Maybe give me a heads up to where she's hiding...'

'I don't know where she's hiding...'

'Well you know...if you find out.... Let me give you my number, ok?'

'Sure,' she handed him her phone after opening her contacts and watched him punch in his number before saving and calling himself. 

'Nice retro phone,' he grinned at her old iPhone 3 that had once been Anya's. 

'Hmm, retro was what I was going for,' she released a small sigh and Bellamy laughed. 

'While I'm here...my friend Atom...he's got a little crush on you...' Bellamy nodded in the direction of where his friend was mucking around with a kid she knew from Math - Nathan Miller. 

'I'm not interested...'

'You do the tortured tough girl thing super well, but he's a good guy and...'

'It's not a thing ok,' she glared at him.

'Fine, ok,' he held up his hands in the same mocking surrender he'd pulled on Clarke that night at the first party when Clarke hadn't wanted to have sex. 

'You should give him a chance,' Bellamy urged, voice kind. 

'I'm taking social integration slowly,' she smirked and Bellamy smiled back,

'And Clarke's letting you?'

'Yeah...well no...I mean not tonight...'

'Yeah, that sounds about right,' he chuckled and she smiled weakly. 'I know she's mad at me...and I know I kinda deserve it...I just...I do care about her and I'm glad she has people around her who make her happy.'

'She has a lot of good friends,' Lexa agreed. 

'She doesn't run up in the stands for all of them though, does she?'

'No,' Lexa agreed and Bellamy squeezed her arm,

'Thanks Lexa.'

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOCO**

'So I can hide anywhere?' Lexa clarified.

'No where is off limits except my parents room, Raven's room and my room. And it's gotta be inside the house. Anywhere else goes. In cupboards, in kitchen cabinets, the loft...anywhere...'

'And if no one finds me?' Lexa frowned, 'I mean when do I come out?'

'Whenever your ready Lexa,' Clarke smirked. 

'I mean when do I stop hiding?' she flushed.

'Game's not over until they find everyone. You have to listen up because the whistle being blown means they've found one of our team and you have to drink.'

'So I'm hiding and getting drunk alone?' Lexa gave her a pointed look and Clarke giggled - a throaty, sexy sound that she adored. 

'We can hide together if you want?'

'I can do this,' she muttered stoically and Clarke smirked,

'Of course you can,' she nodded as Bellamy yelled from the doorway,

'Five minutes starts now,' the door slammed and their team, made up of her, Clarke, Raven, Octavia, Harper and some guy called Monty all scattered. Lexa stood, amazed at how quickly they all disappeared throughout the house wondering where to go. The only rooms where she had spent any time were Clarke's room, which was off limits, the kitchen, the den and the pool. The den had nowhere decent to hide and the kitchen was daunting and well stocked, so the likelihood of finding a cabinet to hide in was slim to none. She abandoned the kitchen for the formal living room, but aside from the ceiling to floor curtains there was no where immediately apparent. She considered the piano stool for a second but wasn't convinced she'd fit - well especially not her and her bottle of tequila. Scowling she headed to the formal dining room but that was all chairs and tables and the dresser looked like it had potential but when she opened it Monty was inside. 

'Hurry,' he gave her an encouraging smile. 'Try upstairs,' he suggested and she nodded, jogging to the stairs and up them. 

'Two minutes,' Bellamy yelled through the mail slot. 

'Shit,' she muttered. She really didn't want to let Clarke and her team down but she didn't know where the fuck to hide. She opened the hall closet and saw nothing but piles of towels and bedding. Then they moved aside and she jumped,

'Taken,' Octavia winked at her and slid the towels back so that it was impossible to see anyone there at all. 

'Fuck,' she shut the door and hesitated. Where was she supposed to hide? Under the spare room bed was so cliche and obvious. She wanted to be good at this even if it was just a game of hide and seek. She opened a door to what was clearly Clarke's moms study and shut it again, before poking her head into the spare bathroom. She eyed the wash basket for a moment but felt claustrophobic at the thought. 

'One minute,' Bellamy's voice from down stairs. 

'Shit, shit, shit,' she grumbled heading into yet another spare room, this one with a day bed under the window as well as a double bed, a dresser and a bank of inbuilt closet. She slid open the mirrored doors of the closet but they were empty save for some shoes and offered nowhere decent to hide. 

'Lexa,' Clarke's voice made her jump and she turned to the room, watching as the entire side of the day bed slid out - apparently a trundle, except instead of a mattress there was a thick duvet and Clarke hidden inside. 'They don't know this does this,' she hissed and patted the space beside her.

'Is there room?'

'Of course,' she grinned.

'Coming ready or not,' Bellamy's loud vice and then the slamming of the front door and the thunder of steps. Lexa didn't hesitate, climbing over the side and lying down beside Clarke as the blond rolled them back under the other bed, using the mattress springs above their heads to move the trundle on its wheels. Lexa quickly helped until all the light disappeared and they were encased in the small, dark space. It wasn't as small as Lexa had feared it would be because the day bed was high off the ground, offering a fair sized space. Fair sized height wise, but she and Clarke were lying together on what was a single bed, and she could feel the warm breath of the other girl on her shoulder. In fact her whole left side burned from the proximity of Clarke, in the pitch black space. 

'You ok?' Clarke whispered.

'Yeah,' she wondered how they'd manage to drink in the space - probably straight from the bottle and not in the plastic shot glasses Clarke had given them all.

'Roll on your side towards me, we'll have more room that way,' Clarke suggested, her voice soft and husky. 

'Ok,' she turned and it was better, though it was weirdly tense and stressful knowing that Clarke was facing her, her face, her soft skin and her amazing body all just inches away from her, but that she couldn't see her. It was strange because it was so tempting to sway into her space, to reach out and touch her with the darkness as cover. 

'You're not claustrophobic?' Clarke asked. 

'No,' she shook her head. 'Well not much.'

'Let's take a shot!' Lexa heard the sound of a metal top coming off a bottle and then the wet sounds of liquid, and then the sound of swallowing. 'Here,' Clarke's hand smacked her shoulder before trailing down her arm and grasping the back of her hand. Lexa couldn't help the soft exhalation of air at the sensation of Clarke's hand on her skin, especially in the darkness, and she heard the girls soft laugh as she pressed the cool bottle into Lexa's hand. 

'Thanks,' she croaked, and managed a mouthful of the tequila Clarke had also packed. 'Tequila,' she coughed. 

'Shhh, and yeah - great minds think alike,' Clarke pulled the bottle back out of her hand. Lexa heard her take another swig, before her hand was tracking back down her arm again and she was wrapping the bottle in her hand. Again Lexa couldn't quite control the small sound that escaped her as Clarke's hand touched her skin. Clarke didn't say anything about it but she didn't move her hand from where it was wrapped around hers.

'Thanks,' she murmured again and took another shot, and then another, because it was way too fucking intense being in the small space with Clarke, smelling her perfume, hearing her breathe, feeling her heat and wanting her like she did. 

'Lexa... I think we should play a drinking game.'

'Aren't we already?' she asked, teasing softly.

'Yeah...but a better one...' Clarke's fingers fluttered in patterns on her wrist. 

'Well, what kind of drinking game?'

'Never have I ever?' Clarke's voice was deep, sexy and close. 

'I guess...ok,' Lexa shrugged in the confined space and waited.

'You ever played before?'

'No. I say something I've never done and you drink if you've done it, right?'

'Yeah, sure. We'll play that way. The idea is to get the people playing with you fall down drunk,' Clarke seemed to be closer than she was only a moment earlier, her bare leg brushing against Lexa's. Clarke left their legs touching as she seemed to stretch out and find a new comfortable position. 

'Ok,' she conceded, 'You start.'

'Never have I ever kissed a girl,' Clarke said and she could hear her smile. 

'Too easy,' Lexa couldn't help but smile as she drank her shot. 'Never have I ever cheated on a test!'

'Lexa what are you suggesting?' Clarke feigned horror but Lexa heard her drink, 'hmmm, never have I ever stolen something.'

'You want my whole sordid past?' Lexa teased as she downed her shot.

'What was it?'

'Food,' Lexa huffed, unable to lie to the girl even though she wished she could. 

'I hate your crappy life!' Lexa could hear the pout and found it adorable. Lexa, surprised at her own bravado, reached out in the dark, her hand finding the soft skin of Clarke's cheek. She moved her fingers over her face and tweaked her nose,

'It's better now I'm friends with you,' she offered and Clarke laughed softly, before taking her hand and entwining their fingers. 

'Of course!' she whispered the words because they needed to be quiet and yet they sounded intimate and wonderful in her soft voice.

'Ok, ok, never have I ever kissed a guy?' she croaked, wishing she could see Clarke's face, understand what the tension between them meant. 

'What, so you've never ever kissed a guy! Not ever?' Clarke seemed to shift closer. 

'Nope. It's always been girls for me,' she told her honestly.

'Well fuck,' Clarke swung back her shot. 'Never have I ever fingered a girl?' The ever huskier quality of Clarke's voice made her stomach clench needily. She swung back her shot, emboldened by the alcohol. 

'It's fun,' she stated sassily. She was desperate to touch Clarke, to act on the tension she swore was between them, 

'What's it feel like?'

'You've touched yourself, right?' Lexa asked and then blushed because that was one hell of an assumption. 

'Yeah?' Clarke sounded bashful too. 

'It feels nice, right?'

'Well yeah, uh, that's the general idea,' Clarke sounded embarrassed as her hand squeezed hers. 'Shhhh,' Clarke was suddenly up close, hand over her mouth, body burning along the length of Lexa's. Lexa's heart hammered and she was surprised at the adrenalin pounding through her - partly caused by the footsteps in the room and the sound of the closet opening, but mostly due to the feel of Clarke's chest crushed against hers. 

'Don't be embarrassed,' she mumbled softly into Clarke's ear, 'there's nothing wrong with making ourselves feel good. It is supposed to feel good. The thing is it also feels good to have another girls warmth and wetness all around your fingers, to make another girl feel really good. It feels amazing. Sexy and wonderful,' she felt Clarke squirm, felt her face in the warmth of her neck, 

'Hmmm,' the hum against her skin made her body clench several times, as the footsteps left the room. Clarke didn't pull back though. 

'And technically you should drink. You're a girl and you admitted you'd...' she waggled her eyebrows and Clarke laughed softly, pulling back enough to down her shot before resting her head right beside hers.

'I'll remember that Woods!'

'Hmmm, yeah. I'm scared,' she rolled her eyes teasingly even though Clarke couldn't see. 'My turn right?' she asked and Clarke hummed. 'Never have I ever slept with more than one person.' Neither of them drunk. 

'Never have I ever hit someone,' Clarke asked and when she drank she could sense Clarke staring at her, even in the dark. A second later the small space lit up under the glow of Clarke's cell phone and Lexa felt embarrassed, flushing at the look in the other girls eyes. 'Wow - who?' her words slurred slightly. 

'It was in defence,' Lexa muttered and the warmth of Clarke's palm landed on her cheek, fingers brushing over her cheekbone. Her whole body throbbed at the gentle touch.

'Tell me about it,' Clarke urged. 

'I will. Just not now...I want to play,' Lexa wanted to be fun, not full of too many depressing stories.

'Do your best then,' Clarke didn't pull her palm away rolling ever closer to Lexa.

'Never have I ever slept with Bellamy Blake,' she offered and Clarke drank. 

'Never have I ever had a crush on a friend,' there was a knowing look in Clarke's blue eyes that Lexa could see even in the dim light of the cell phone screen. Lexa drank and the the air between them became increasingly tense when Clarke took the bottle from her and drank as well. 

'Fuck,' Lexa just barely whispered the word as Clarke seemed to move even closer, their legs completely tangled.

'Fuck? I don't know whether I drink to that or not?' her words were flirty and drunk and Lexa fought the urge to roll on top of her, claim her mouth in a kiss, see what she tasted like. It had been a long time since she was physically close to anyone. Not that she wanted just anyone. She wanted Clarke - pretty, fun, sweet, clever, artistic Clarke. 

'Never have I ever kissed a friend?' her voice was still low and both she and Clarke drank. They were drunk. Utterly drunk. From their own game, not the one they were involved in with everyone else. The sound of a whistle made them both laugh and they drunk again. Only when they stopped laughing Clarke's eyes were fixed on hers and they were dark and needy, before she surged forward and pressed her lips against Lexa's, her tongue immediately pushing into her mouth. Lexa groaned at the unexpectedness, at the taste of tequila on Clarke's tongue as it tangled with hers. From the first time she'd laid eyes on Clarke up close, it had been obvious that the girl was aware of her own sexiness. Clarke was too good at the covert looks, the coquettish teasing, the play of her tongue against her teeth as she sassed, and the way she'd bite her bottom lip if she caught Lexa staring. Her kiss was no different - it was ardent, teasing and fucking amazing, even if it was drunken and slightly clumsy. 

'Fuck, Lexa,' Clarke rolled half onto her, and for a girl who said she'd never slept with another girl before, it didn't take her much to find herself on Lexa's thigh, her own pressing skillfully between her legs, and rubbing on her clit. The kiss grew more and more heated, Clarke's hands pushing under her tank, grasping at her chest eagerly, encouraging her own to move, to clutch at her strong ass and pull her against her thigh. The throaty moan just about destroyed her, and the next time Clarke rocked it was of her own volition. 

Lexa didn't know how long they'd been kissing for when the whistle blew again. They both ignored it, hands on each other, teeth clashing, and Clarke rocking against her thigh, her own pressing into Lexa and dragging her closer and closer to the edge. The phone screen had long since gone dark and it was intimate, being swathed in darkness, with their limbs entangled, rocking closer and closer to euphoria. 

They both stilled when they heard the footsteps. 

'Fuck,' Clarke groaned in her ear, biting the lobe and rolling off of her. 'I was gonna cum.'

'Shhh,' Lexa smirked and put a hand on Clarke's hip, before trailing it between her legs in the darkness. She wasn't sure where her bravado had come from, well she was - it lived in a tequila bottle. She wanted to moan when Clarke did, but she kept quiet because the footsteps were still pacing around the room. Clarke grabbed her hand and she thought it was to protest her boldness. Her mouth was already forming an apology when Clarke moved her palm up to the waist band of her shorts and then pushed it under. 

'Fuck,' she hissed and Clarke claimed her mouth in a kiss murmuring,

'Shhhh,' into it. Lexa swallowed her moan and debated whether to push under Clarke's underwear or not. Her head was spinning and she was so turned on it was hard to think clearly. Clarke clearly wanted this, she'd moved her hand into her shorts, but they were both drunk, really drunk and _fuck_. Her head blurred but she made the decision to stick above the girls underwear. Her fingers smoothed down the front of the thin material and she circled where she thought Clarke's clit should be. The soft moan and rise of Clarke's hips let her know the alcohol hadn't totally fucked up her ability to...well, fuck. She trailed her fingers lower and sucked in a breath at the dampness of the material under her fingers. 'Fuck, yeah...' Clarke's hips lifted again and she deepened the kiss. 

There was a sudden kick to the side of the bed right beside Lexa's ear. She jumped, breaking the kiss and only just managing to pull her hand from inside of Clarke's shorts, as the side of the bed rattled and then was pulled open, light shining in and making them both squint.

'Well don't ya look cozy?' Bellamy was grinning down at them. 

'Fuck,' Clarke cursed, rolling onto her stomach to block out the light. 

'Man, you two must be toasted,' he chuckled looking at the half empty bottle of tequila. 

'Who else have you found?' Lexa asked because the silence was stretching and Clarke seemed content to stay lying on her stomach. 

'Monty, Octavia, and you guys. We're missing Raven and Harper,' he put a whistle in his mouth and blew it loudly twice. 

'Shit Bell - too loud,' Clarke complained, turning at last. 'Fuck I'm drunk.'

'Hmmm,' Lexa didn't feel much better. 'Can I just uh, lie here?'

'Sure,' Clarke nodded. 'Me too...'

'Sorry Princess, you gotta go sort out Octavia and Jasper - they're fighting over some fucking prawns from the fridge.'

'The prawns are my dads for this thing tomorrow,' Clarke grumbled staggering to her feet, 'for fucks sake...'

Lexa closed her eyes feeling the world swim as she did so, like she was sliding down a helter skelter at a carnival with her eyes closed. She felt a little nauseated but figured if she just lay still it would all be ok.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, ok so hide and seek may be childish but it's bloody good fun! If you don't believe me, go play...


	3. Rooting for the underdog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa misunderstands what's happening when she wakes up after drunken hide and seek. She runs away but Clarke won't let her avoid their friendship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so happy people are enjoying this. I hope you like this chapter. Next one is the last:)
> 
> Thanks so much for comments and kudos! Love them:)

**Chapter Three**

Lexa awoke with a start, heart and head pounding as she winced at the sunlight filling the room. She rubbed her eyes and tried to get her bearings. It took her a second to remember that she was lying on a duvet instead of a mattress on a roll out trundle bed in Clarke's house. She looked around for Clarke but couldn't see her - she was alone. She tugged her phone from her pocket expecting her Uncle to have tang several times. There were no missed calls or texts. She raised her chin and pretended that it didn't hurt that her Uncle hadn't noticed she was out all night. She wondered where Clarke was, and rubbed her eyes again before pushing to her feet. The sway of the world around her and the nausea in her belly were all compounded by the throb in her head. She wanted water. Needed it. But she wanted to see Clarke more. 

The corridor was empty, so she headed straight to Clarke's room. She wondered whether she should knock, but didn't want to wake her and the door wasn't clicked closed so she pushed it open. Clarke was in her bed asleep and Bellamy Blake was next to her. And it hurt. Obviously it did, the crushing of hope always hurt like a bitch even when it wasn't unexpected. It was unfortunately exactly what she had expected. She _wished_ it were something different but she couldn't expect a drunken kiss to mean something more than hormones and booze. Clarke might be bi but she'd also admitted that she'd been with Bellamy since puberty. She'd admitted that she'd never kissed a girl. Of course she had now - she'd kissed _her._ In a moment of drunken experimentation Lexa could only assume. Or maybe just drunkenness. And now she was lying on a bed with Bellamy so it seemed she'd clearly made her decision about who she wanted. Lexa hadn't realized how deep she'd allowed herself to fall for Clarke until the pain of loss ripped through her. Not loss of Clarke exactly, but the cautious optimism of possibility. She felt foolish because Clarke was never hers to lose. It was just that the bloom of possibility had erupted when Clarke kissed her. She hadn't hoped before, not really - it had been just this small buzz of possibility because of the endless art, the hand holding, the open affection. But after the kiss she'd hoped. And she was a fool. 

She pushed the door closed and headed down the stairs, unaware that she was crying until she burst out into the bright sunshine of morning and brought her hand up to shield her eyes. It was stupid to cry over a girl. Her brother was dead. Her brother didn't get to love, or cry or feel anything anymore. If anyone deserved her tears it was Lincoln and yet...she couldn't stop the tears that fell because Clarke had kissed her and somehow ended up back with Bellamy. The tears that fell were because she'd wanted so badly for everything to have meant more than it obviously did. Whatever she was feeling for this girl, this friend, it wasn't just platonic. Apparently all the love inside of her was trying to get somewhere. She couldn't let it. Clarke might be special, she might deserve the love inside of Lexa, but she was done loving what wouldn't love her back. She'd loved parents that left her, put her hope in other adults around her. She'd spent her whole life trying to find some one worthy of her love, and it was bullshit. Lincoln was the only person who deserved to be loved and he was dead. That was wrong. The only person who would love her back was gone. She could love Clarke for all she was worth and it wouldn't make Clarke love her back. Lincoln had. And he was gone. 

Lexa picked up her crappy bike from where she'd dumped it on Clarke's front lawn and pushed it away from Clarke's house. She didn't imagine she'd be coming back. Clarke would probably say they were still friends. She may want to pretend like the drunken kiss never happened. Or laugh over it like it wasn't a big deal. But if she was back with Bellamy, it wouldn't be the same. She might feel guilty. Or embarrassed. Lexa swung a leg over her bike and began to pedal away. 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO**

**Clarke** \- Where did you go? 

Lexa stared at the message. What was she supposed to write? _I saw you in bed with Bellamy and knew you wouldn't want me? I ran away because I was I didn't want you to awkwardly avoid me? I ran away because I didn't want to watch you kiss him after kissing me?_

 **Clarke** \- We're all having breakfast. Bacon and eggs. Where'd you go? I looked in our bed:)

Lexa stared at the phone from where she lay curled up on her cot bed. She hated herself for deliberating. She still couldn't decide whether or not to reply when another text came through.

 **Clarke** \- Remember the code?

 **Lexa** \- "Won’t you cry on my shoulder, won’t you laugh at my jokes?"

 **Clarke** \- Ok - you're sad and want to be alone:( I'm here for you, ok? And I want to see you later. We'll watch a movie just you and me.

 **Lexay** \- "It’s okay to relax in this forest of folks"

 **Clarke** \- See how you feel, ok?

Lexa pushed her phone away until it banged onto the floor and then turned over.

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

Sunday she awoke to bright light in her room, streaming through her inadequate curtains. She decided quite quickly that she needed to get out of the house. Spending another day on the uncomfortable cot bed would render her incapable of moving altogether from a sore back. However, deciding something and doing it were not the same thing, and she lay in the too warm room for a long time. The banging on her door waking her was the only reason she knew she'd drifted off. The door opened roughly,

'You should get outta bed today,' her uncles gruff figure stood there, excessively hairy in her opinion. 'And shower. This room smells.'

Lexa scowled in irritation at the intrusion and the subsequent insult. Gus then marched into the room and drew back the curtains before opening the window. He scooped her phone off the floor, and hit the home screen. 

'Some boy has been texting. Why don't you go and spend some time with people?' he suggested, as he placed it beside her. 

'I don't like people,' she mumbled into her pillow. 

'I know it feels hard but you did the right thing coming here...'

'I came because they made me,' she filled in. 

'And I'm glad you decided to stay to finish your year at school. I know we don't really know each other but we could be friends Lexa. Your mom was my sister,' he gingerly sat on the end of the cot. 

'Your sister was never a mom. Not a good one anyway.'

'She had her problems,' Gus nodded. 'She did. She loved you and your brother.'

'No she didn't,' Lexa pulled the cover over her head. 

'Ok kid, ok. I'll leave you to it. I'm heading to go see Anya. You be good. Take a shower, eat some food.'

'Say hi to Anya,' she said into the pillow. She felt a slight pressure on her back from her uncles big hand, before he was gone. For a while she lay unmoving then grabbed her phone wondering why Bellamy would be messaging her. She clicked the home button and saw several messages from Clarke and realized her uncles mistake. Typing in her code she couldn't deny the spike in her heart rate of so many _words_ from Clarke. 

**Clarke** \- Everyone left. I'm gonna have a shower and do that assignment for English. Come over?

 **Clarke** \- Are you avoiding me?

 **Clarke** \- I remember kissing you Lexa. I'm not going to pretend it never happened.

 **Clarke** \- Unless you want to pretend it never did?

 **Clarke** \- Lexa, we have a code!

 **Clarke** \- I can order pizza? 

**Clarke** \- Ok, I guess you don't want to be bothered. I'll text again tomorrow.

 **Clarke** \- Morning! Got plans for the day. Want to go for a walk?

 **Clarke** \- Lexa, you should reply to my messages. 

**Clarke** \- I don't know if you're sad about stuff or angry at me.

 **Clarke** \- Are you angry at me?

That was it. Lexa thought about it and tried to analyze whether she was angry at Clarke. It wasn't really anger, more this raging disappointment and hurt. More a feeling of foolishness.

 **Lexa** \- I'm not angry

She wasn't expecting the instant bubbles showing that Clarke was replying. 

**Clarke** \- Can we hang out?

 **Lexa** \- I have work to do.

 **Clarke** \- At Polis?

 **Lexa** \- Math and English.

 **Clarke** \- Do them here. You can use my computer. We can swim and watch a movie when you're done?

 **Lexa** \- I don't know

 **Clarke** \- Please. I need to see you!

Lexa sucked in a breath at that. _Need_ created a crescendo of emotion inside of her - part fear, part arousal and part confusion.

 **Lexa** \- When?

 **Clarke** \- Now? You can have some lunch?

 **Lexa** \- I'll shower and bike over

It would be easier to deal with the inevitability of seeing Clarke without the added complexities of the school environment. Clarke was the only person she knew well and it was hard to think of waking back into Arcadia the following day with tension and uncertainty between them. She shoved down her phone and stood from the bed feeling shaky. After her uncles comment she sniffed herself - she smelt of stale booze and a tinge of sweat. She ripped her sheets off of her bed and stripped off her clothes. She'd wash them all after her shower. 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXO**

It was cooler than it had been in September, the late October air had a bite to it, and the leaves were beginning to change colour. It was the first fall that Lincoln would miss. There would be no annual walk in the forest near where they lived to marvel at the colours. There would be no prep for their unique Thanksgiving or Christmas. She would be with Gus and Anya, if they were even around. Lexa had no idea what they did together. 

She knocked on Clarke's door and waited anxiously for it to swing open. When it finally did she had to swallow back her attraction and try not to stare. She couldn't stop her eyes flitting over Clarke in form fitting leggings, a tank and hoody, blond hair scooped into a messy bun. She looked beautiful, sexy, _wonderful_.

'Lexa,' her voice was soft and girly and she wrapped herself around her for a moment in a hug that made Lexa's pulse race. 'Come. My dad made mac and cheese and it's _so_ good. Have you eaten?' Clarke took her hand and led her into the kitchen where two individuals were sat with papers and empty plates at the table. They looked up when the girls appeared, 

'Hi,' her father smiled brightly. Her mother's eyes narrowed when they landed on Lexa before dropping for just a second to their joined hands,

'I don't think we've met?' her mom stood. 'I'm Abby, Clarke's mom.'

'Mom, this is Lexa. Remember - the girl I told you about?' Clarke dropped her hand and reached into a cupboard for a plate. Lexa wondered what Clarke had told her mom. 'I said she can have some mac and cheese.' 

'Of course,' Abby nodded. 

'It's my speciality,' Jake said with a grin. 'I always make too much for the four of us, even though Raven eats enough for two.'

'How was your weekend, Lexa?' Abby asked, head tilted to one side appraisingly. Lexa knew the look - it was the one where she was assessed and found to be lacking. 'Were you at the party here on Friday night?'

'I didn't do much. And it wasn't really a party, more of a get together!' she shifted uncomfortably. 

'See I told you mom,' Clarke smirked at her mother and sent a bright smile at Lexa.

'So just the party? No outings with your family?'

'Just the get together,' Lexa nodded, and Clarke bit back a giggle.

'Right,' Abby nodded, some judgement clearly audible in the one word. 

'We're going to do math and finish off our English essays.'

'Well start in my case,' Lexa admitted with a shrug, irritated with the judgement so obvious in Abby's appraisal of her tattoos and overall style. 

'Isn't that essay due tomorrow?' Abby gave her a look, but Clarke rolled her eyes, 

'Mom, you don't need to stress at her. Lexa is super smart and is probably going to give me a run for my money when it comes to valedictorian.'

'Oh,' Abby gave a tight smile, 'what's your favourite subject?' 

'English. I'm good at Math and Science and I don't love analyzing literature but my definite strength is language arts. I like to write.' 

'Where are you applying for college?' Abby seemed more interested now that she was assured that Lexa was no dummy. The following conversation would bring back the disapproval, Lexa felt no doubt. 

'I'm not going to college,' she gave a small shrug. 'I'll work in my uncles diner and then apply for something where you can work your way up. I'm not sure what yet. I just...I need my high school diploma. No where worth anything hires without it.' 

'Why wouldn't you apply to college? There are some wonderful language programs. Columbia has an amazing creative writing one and there are scholarships...' 

'My GPA is poor. I missed a lot of school last year,' she summarized. 'And a scholarship won't be given to me, not with that on my record.' 

'Was there a good reason?' Abby frowned. 

'It wasn't drugs and partying,' she frowned back. 

'It's ok Lexa, that wasn't what I was asking,' Abby actually softened and gave her a soft smile. 'I just mean, if you're smart like Clarke says, it's worth considering applying. They will take into consideration extenuating circumstances you know? The collages are always being urged to broaden their demographic intake. You should consider it even if you decide not to accept.'

'My uncle will only let me stay for the year. He was planning to move to the country when my cousin left for college. He said I can have one year,' she explained, unable to not engage with Clarke's mother. Clarke herself was adding salad to her ridiculously large plate of mac and cheese, grabbing a knife and fork and then placing everything on the table for her.

'Eat Lex. Mom can keep quizzing you while you do,' she pulled out the chair for Lexa, who sat, surprised when Clarke sat beside her and Abby back in her chair. 

'Maybe the girl doesn't want to be quizzed by your mom?' Jake teased, raising an eyebrow from in front of his crossword. 

'No one ever wants to be quizzed by mom,' Clarke grinned at her father, 'but mom knows her stuff.' 

'Clarke told us you write? While she draws, you write stories?' Jake asked, leaving Abby's question dying on her lips.

'It's just a stress relief thing,' she blushed and after an embarrassingly large growl from her stomach ate a mouthful of dinner. It was delicious. She chewed and swallowed as Clarke filled her father in on the science fiction elements of her stories, her voice bright and enthusiastic. It was weird hearing Clarke talk about her, making her sound better than she was. 

'Clarke's a Sci fi nut - no wonder she likes you,' Jake laughed, when Clarke had finished.

'You should take Lexa to the Comic con. We gave you two tickets,' Abby suggested and Lexa flushed, because she didn't want Clarke to be pushed into taking her. 

'That's ok. I'll probably have to work,' she rushed to say, chancing a glance at Clarke who's cheeks were red. She was glaring at her mother, with wide eyes. Abby seemed confused for a moment, but Lexa refocused on her dinner rather than trying to understand the meaning in the exchanged looks. 

'So you live with your uncle?' Abby continued her interrogation. She nodded as she had a mouthful of food. She was extremely hungry she realized. Then again it had been Friday evening that she last ate.

'Yes.'

'You close with him?'

'No,' she shook her head. 'I only met him this summer. Well in memory. I think he saw me when I was a baby.'

'How is that?'

'Hard,' she gave a tight smile. 

'And your cousin is in college?'

'Yeah, community college in Hartford. Her friends were going there and so she went there too. They all live together.'

'What's she studying?'

'Anya is going to be a nurse.'

'Well, send her my way when she's looking for a job,' Abby smiled kindly. 

'Hmm,' she didn't feel like mentioning that it would be unlikely that Anya was in touch with her, that her cousin was a stranger. 'Thanks.'

'How do you get on with your Uncle?' Abby asked.

'Ok,' she lied.

'Ok?' Apparently Abby had the same ability to see through bullshit that Clarke had. 

'I don't really know him. He leaves me alone and I leave him alone. As long as I work at his diner I get to stay.'

'Which diner?' Abby had that frown on her face again.

'Polis,' she filled in.

'Good food,' Jake spoke up.

'Yeah, good food,' Abby appraised her. 'Where are your parents?'

'Mom,' Clarke warned. 

'I'm just asking Clarke. She doesn't have to answer.'

'I never knew my dad. My mom was....not parental. My older brother...he was my guardian from when I was ten.' 

'Did he go off to college?' Abby's world was so different to hers.

'No...he...uh... died in, uh...July.'

'Oh I'm sorry,' Abby's voice filled with sympathy and her eyes flicked to Clarke, so she focussed on the food. 

' _Mom_ ,' Clarke muttered.

'How did he pass away?' Abby pressed gently and Lexa dropped her fork and pressed a hand to her head, breathing carefully. 

'He had cancer. Leukaemia.'

'I'm so sorry Lexa,' she was clearly sincere.

'That must have been really hard. Must still be hard,' Jake said. If Clarke's hand hadn't found hers Lexa knew she'd have fallen apart, but the girl pressed her hand over hers on the table, before lifting it and putting it in both of hers, squeezing. It wasn't a gentle hand hold but Lexa needed the extra strength in it to ground her. 

'I don't really want to talk about it,' she managed to whisper. 

'That's fine Lexa,' Abby smiled sympathetically at her. She fumbled with her knife and fork, pushing the left over food to one side, her appetite gone after only a few bites,

'I, uh...I'm full. I'm sorry.'

'No problem, I'll put it in a container for you to take home,' Jake stood and took her plate. 

'Lets go upstairs,' Clarke tugged on her hand and she willingly stood. It was hard to fight the urge to run, to run from these people and most particularly Clarke who had chosen Bellamy. Not that Clarke even knew she was choosing.

'Thank you for lunch. It was delicious,' she gave a tight smile and followed Clarke upstairs in silence. Clarke dragged her to the bed and they sat together leaning against the headboard.

'You want to talk?' she asked.

'Not really,' Lexa shrugged and pulled out her work. She was probably the only kid in school that still handed in handwritten assignments. Clarke had typed up a couple for her, leant her her laptop on several others, but Lexa didn't know whether there would be time to type this particular assignment. 

For a while they worked in silence, Lexa with a pad on her lap and Clarke with her laptop. They hadn't put any music on so the room was filled with the sounds of their quiet breathing, the rustling of paper and the noise of the keyboard keys being tapped. After an hour or two Clarke put the laptop aside. 

'How's it going?'

'Nearly done,' Lexa answered without looking up. 

'I still have math.'

'Which won't take long if we do it together. It's only ten problems.'

'True,' she still couldn't look up. 

'Lexa?'

'Yeah,' she continued writing. 

'Look at me a second,' Clarke urged and reluctantly she raised her eyes to Clarke's blue ones. 'Why are you being so cold? Are you upset about the kiss?' her brow was furrowed and Lexa was shocked at her attitude. Did Clarke really think a gay girl at high school had so many options that a kiss with her best friend, and Clarke was her best friend in this place, would have no ramifications? That she was simply upset? Especially when said best friend decided to get back with her boyfriend later that same night. Still she wasn't _mad_ about the kiss.

'I'm not upset that we kissed,' she shook her head. 

'Then what is it?'

'It's nothing.'

'Tell me Lexa,' Clarke pouted. 'If I've done something wrong I need to know, otherwise how can I make it right?'

'I know that we were drunk. And I know it didn't mean anything...the kiss I mean. I just...it was hard seeing you in bed with Bellamy. I didn't mean to look, I just went to find you when I woke up and...'

'Lexa, I'm not back with Bellamy,' Clarke's eyes widened as she realized what must have happened, 'Nothing happened with him. I was drunk and fell asleep on my bed. He decided he had a death wish and crawled in to sleep beside me. I was under the covers and he was on top. I'm not with him. I didn't kiss him. Nothing happened. He doesn't make me happy.'

'Oh,' she gaped a little, unsure what to say. She couldn't deny the relief she felt even if she had no right to it.

'And I understand why you'd feel bad if you thought I was kissing you and then getting with some guy.'

'But he's not just some guy, is he?' she shrugged feeling uncomfortable. 

'Yeah, he is Lexa. He's a friend and an ex, but I'm not interested in romance or sex with him.'

'Oh,' she was so ineloquent around this girl sometimes. 

'I'm focussing on me and my friends at the moment,' she said and smiled at her. _Friends_. Lexa knew they were just friends but it stung a little. 'Come on, you finish your essay and I'll start the math, then I'll type it up for you and you can finish the math. Then let's watch a movie, ok?'

'Sure,' Lexa smiled, and refocused on her essay.

Later that evening, same as every evening, Lexa stayed until ten minutes before her curfew, and when it came time to leave, her palm was warm from where it had been pressed against Clarke's. 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

'It's so fucking cold,' Clarke's teeth were chattering. October had stayed mild but by mid November the weather was feeling positively Arctic. There would be snow soon, Lexa realized as she tugged her crappy leather jacket around herself. Ok, so she loved the jacket but it wasn't effective as a winter coat. 

'It was your idea to go for a walk,' Lexa teased as they walked around the Emerald Necklace parks together, hot chocolates from a vendor grasped tightly in their hands. Clarke had some thick, warm mittens on, but again Lexa's fingerless gloves has seen better days and were wholly inadequate.

'Well I need some exercise before the annual thanksgiving binge off that is happening on Thursday!'

'You don't. You're perfect,' she murmured carelessly, enjoying the crunch of the leaves beneath her feet. Clarke giggled at that,

'Well, I always put on about five pounds over thanksgiving.'

'So?'

'So?' Clarke laughed again, 'I want to look sexy and five extra pounds goes straight to my stomach.'

'You'd look sexy with or without an extra five, ten or twenty pounds. Well not if you lost ten or twenty pounds - that would be too much and probably not healthy.'

'So you don't think a girl has to be super skinny to be attractive?' Clarke asked, looking at her as they walked.

'To be sexy to me?' Lexa clarified and Clarke bobbed her head, the bobble on her hat dancing around. 'No. Honestly, to me personality is most important. I find all shapes and sizes sexy if I'm attracted to the person.'

'I wish guys were more like you! They can be so judgemental about appearance.'

'I don't really see it as being judgemental, not if you have a type. I mean most people have a type, right? For me, I like eyes and nice boobs and you know...I'm not so concerned with abs and what not - for some people it's all about abs and all that. I guess I find a girl more attractive the more I like her. Some guys are driven by what their friends think and the media puts a ton of expectation on women and what's beautiful, that's true. And to be fair to guys, lots of girls can be superficial and judgemental as well, in fact sometimes they're worse.'

' _So_ true,' Clarke nodded. 

'But you...you see beauty in everything,' Lexa laughed, less surprised by the sound than she had been a while ago. Clarke brought the sound bubbling up from within her. In the three months since she'd started at Arcadia high, and the two months since their drunken kiss, their friendship had only strengthened. Clarke invited her to do something almost everyday, if not going to her house, then to watch her play soccer, or drink hot chocolates in the cute cafe near school. Lexa loved being with Clarke, but if it was all the blond's friends as well, then she would politely decline. While she watched every soccer game, every debate and had even joined chess club, and even though they were usually together outside of school four or five times a week, Lexa knew she'd feel left out with all of Clarke's gang of friends, that she'd feel self-conscious and awkward. She predicted that Clarke would sit closer to them than her, that Clarke would feel some shame about the closeness of their friendship. That Clarke would make it obvious Lexa was just some girl she was "sort of" friends with, and all of Lexa's hopes for more would be squashed - because she was holding onto a tentative hope, born of Clarke's kindness, her care, and the way she'd hold her hand. The only person who knew the true depth of their friendship was Raven, who just smirked knowingly and occasionally joined Lexa on the bed while Clarke sketched. 

'I love the world and people...the world is amazing and people - they all have beauty.'

'I get that,' Lexa didn't say she agreed.

'You don't find the world a beautiful place?' Clarke asked.

'It can be a cruel place too.'

'I know,' Clarke's right hand took hers and squeezed. She didn't let go though, just continued walking with their joined hands between them. They walked in silence until Clarke gestured they sit on a bench, from where a cacophony of fire coloured leaves were resplendent before them. 'Do you like thanksgiving?'

'Lincoln and I...we never did the whole turkey thing - there was never enough money to have a feast. We had this tradition. We'd go for pancakes in the morning, then spend the day on a hike. There was this mountain we'd hike...Mount Weather. It wasn't an easy hike, and you know...it was cold and we never had quite the right gear...not like the other crazy people - not that there were ever many on Thanksgiving. But we didn't go all the way up. We'd stop halfway and eat chocolate and chips - our protest against consumerism and idealized holidays that insisted we must be thankful. The only thing we were every thankful for was each other and a few good friends. Those friends would leave their families and come and see us for the evening. We'd splash out on some pizzas and play games. It wasn't a traditional thanksgiving, but I looked forward to it every year,' she shrugged, surprised at herself for revealing so much. She usually avoided reminiscing as much as she could - it was just too painful. 

'That sounds better than our full on roast, carefully decorated table and cheesy "I'm thankful for..."' Clarke smiled at her.

'Well it was great,' she gave a small bitter laugh, 'but no. Not anymore...I think that the fun of that tradition died with Lincoln...'

'Tell me about him?' Clarke asked softly and Lexa sighed,

'Lincoln was probably the kindest, sweetest guy in the world. We had different dads...but he didn't know his either, so we only ever really had each other. Lincoln could have grown up hard, tough...angry, but he didn't. At eighteen he took responsibility for his ten year old sister and he loved me. He did his best. He gave everything he had to me, there just wasn't a lot to give. We had this shitty one bedroom apartment and he gave me the room while he slept on the couch. Who's willing to do that? It wasn't easy, but God...I know the alternative...there's no way Gus would have had me back then. I would have been in foster care. And Lincoln, he never hesitated. I just don't know anyone that does that kind of thing.'

'You're his sister,' Clarke smiled at her.

'Was his sister.'

'When did he get sick?' her face was soft, gentle and encouraging. 

'About two years ago,' she inhaled a deep breath, the cold making her lungs hurt. For a while they sat in silence, Clarke's mittened hand keeping hers warm. 'We didn't have medical insurance. We didn't have any money. We couldn't do anything. We tried...not eating...for pain meds. To pay the bill for his diagnosis. But all we could do was watch him die,' she closed her eyes. It had of course been so much more complicated than just that. The lengths they had gone to to try and save him. 

'I'm sorry,' Clarke whispered. 

'It's not your fault,' Lexa stiffened at the apology. She knew Clarke's intent but those words recalled uncomfortable hospital chairs, sitting beside Lincoln as he grew weaker and weaker. He'd kept saying he was sorry, and she'd hated it. 

'Do you have a picture?' Clarke asked and Lexa removed her hand from Clarke's mittened embrace to dig her wallet out of her coat pocket. She opened it up to a picture of her and Lincoln, taken just before his diagnosis. They were laughing about something stupid. 

'That was thanksgiving three years ago,' she explained, and Clarke took her wallet from her and looked at the picture. 

'You don't look very alike,' she teased softly. 

'No,' Lexa found a small smile on her face. 

'He's handsome.'

'He was kind. The kindest, most gentle peace loving man. Life wanted to make him violent - where we lived, the crap we went through - but he only ever did what he had to.'

'You miss him,' Clarke stated. 

'I don't think...' she trailed off, unsure whether or not to finish the sentence. 

'You don't think what?' Clarke looked at he her, blue eyes filled with kindness and affection. 

'I don't think a person knows what it's like to be truly alone until they are. I felt alone all through life, especially after my mom left, but Lincoln...he was there for me through every teenage strop, through my anger and heartache. And now he's gone...now I know that before I was foolish. The feeling you get when you realize that there's no one on earth that really cares whether you live or die, that's something else - a different kind of loneliness all together.'

'I care,' Clarke whispered and Lexa let out a small bitter laugh,

'No one really cares Clarke. It's a sad truth that everyone on this earth is mostly concerned with themselves.'

'You can be concerned about more than one person at a time Lexa. Of course I'm concerned about myself, I never get away from me. That doesn't mean that I don't care what happens to you. I do.'

'Not much will happen to me. I'll finish school and disappear into the struggle for survival everyone at the bottom has to face.'

'Shouldn't life be about more than surviving?' Clarke was frowning.

'It should, but it just isn't that way for some people.'

'Do you want to spend thanksgiving with me? With my family? We do the traditional meal and giving thanks thing, then play games. You'd be very welcome? I'd like you to be there.'

'I...' she hesitated, 'I...uh, that's really kind...I just... I think I'll go for pancakes and buy some chocolate and chips and just...'

'Go for a hike?'

'Yeah,' she shrugged a little.

'What about your Uncle and cousin?' Clarke asked.

'They haven't mentioned thanksgiving. I don't now if they even do anything.'

'I don't like the idea of you being alone,' the squeeze to her hand was comforting, but Lexa just shrugged.

'I'll be fine.'

'Where will you hike?'

'Well I can't exactly get out of the city,' Lexa shrugged sheepishly, 'so I'll probably just come back here.'

'I could borrow my mom's car and come get you. We could head out of the city...find a forest trail?' the girl looked at her so earnestly, so sweetly that Lexa felt her heart stutter. 

'I know what thanksgiving means to most people. I don't think your parents would be too happy with you skipping out.'

'Well no...but they liked you Lexa!'

'They like your tattooed, pierced, lesbian friend?' she found herself giggling at Clarke's inability to respond immediately.

'Well intellect has always been important to my mom, so you won points for that with her. And my dad - yeah I think he loved the fact that you're a tattooed, pierced, lesbian who has had it tough.'

'Rooting for the underdog, huh?' she chuckled and Clarke nodded,

'That's my dad for you!'

'Don't worry Clarke...I'll be fine.'

'Ok,' she pouted a little.

'Trust me. I get to sleep in, head for pancakes around 10, my day is going to be more relaxing than yours.'

'But you'll be alone,' Clarke stated sadly, 'missing your brother.'

'I miss him all the time. Thursday will be no different,' she gave a sniff. 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO**

A loud banging woke Lexa. She was the only one at home. It seemed that her uncle and cousin did have a thanksgiving tradition. They went to her uncles parents place. 

Rubbing her eyes she stumbled down the stairs, tugging at her too small tank. She recognized the person through the mottled glass and opened the door. 

'Happy thanksgiving,' Clarke smiled and held her arms wide before wrapping Lexa in a hug, Clarke's ice cold hands landing on her bare skin and making her squeal. Clarke seemed thrilled at the turn of events and gripped tightly, going so far as to shove a hand up the back of her top. 

'Fuck Clarke...stop,' she struggled uselessly against the smaller girl who was ridiculously strong from soccer. At last Clarke released her, giggling, thoroughly amused at her endeavours. As Lexa stalked into the house and grabbed a blanket from the small grotty lounge and wrapped it around her shoulders, Clarke kicked the door shut and followed, blue eyes taking in the small size, the grubby, old furnishings, the general lack of aesthetically pleasing home comforts. 

'What are you doing here?' she asked.

'I'm taking you for breakfast,' Clarke smiled widely. 

'You don't have to...'

'I want to.'

'I'm not even dressed,' she frowned. 

'Where's your uncle and cousin?'

'They went to his mother's.'

'Is he your aunts husband, or your actual uncle?'

'He was my moms brother.'

'So aren't they like your grandparents? Didn't they want to see you on Thanksgiving?' she looked so confused and Lexa startled slightly - she'd never really thought about that. _Wow. That was pretty fucking harsh._ She really didn't want Clarke feeling sorry for her, so she lied on the spot,

'Uh...I don't know them so well and I have a cold. My Grandma is old and I think she just didn't want to catch it...'

'Ok,' Clarke nodded acceptingly. 'You go shower and I'll make some coffee, ok?'

'Sure,' she nodded and padded up the rickety stairs.

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

Lexa came out of the shower with a towel wrapped around her body and using another to dry her hair. She wasn't expecting Clarke to be sat on Anya's bed, two steaming mugs of coffee beside her. Lexa was pleased she'd managed to find the instant and wondered whether she'd wasted time hunting for the non-existent Nespresso machine. The thought made her smirk a little.

'Your room is...not very personal,' Clarke teased. 

'Technically it's still considered to be Anya's room. That's not even my bed,' she grinned as she rummaged in the suitcase beside her cot bed for clean underwear and then in her one dresser draw for jeans and a top.

'Your family don't seem to have welcomed you with open arms,' Clarke's brow furrowed.

'They don't know me Clarke. I'm a strange girl who happens to share their blood. I'm thankful my uncle is letting me stay. I...well, I know what foster care is like and I don't want to go back there.'

'Hmmm. No,' Clarke frowned and Lexa wanted to change the subject.

'I just want to get through this year and then find a job and get my own place.'

'Lexa?' Clarke was staring at her from the bed.

'Yeah?'

'We hang out a lot, right?'

'Right,' she nodded. 

'And you like me?'

'You're my best friend,' she answered honestly.

'Why don't you ever want to hang out with my friends as well? Meet more people?' Clarke watched her as she sat on the edge of her cot and tried to pull on her underwear without exposing herself, using the towel as a shield. 'I know you have done, but you try and avoid it. You can barely cope with Raven.' Lexa was surprised by the tangent of the conversation but not by Clarke asking. It was true that she'd been reticent to make more friends - she didn't expect everyone to be as tolerant as Clarke and she really just needed to get through high school and graduate without trouble. Clarke's friends seemed nice, she didn't trust Bellamy, and Octavia was Bellamy's sister and so on and so forth. 

'I don't mind hanging out with your friends,' it was a lie but what was she supposed to say. She pulled her jeans on and tried to work out how to do her bra. In the end she turned her back to Clarke and let the towel drop before quickly fastening the bra and turning it, pulling the straps over her shoulders.

'You do,' Clarke said, and Lexa knew she was moving closer, despite the fact that She had yet to pull on a top. A soft noise escaped her when the blonds fingers trailed over her spine, swirling around the shapes of her tattoo, and jumping over the band of her bra. 'You never have, not really. If they're there you leave!' Clarke was still taking about hanging out with friends even as her fingers dragged along Lexa's skin, and her warm breath warmed it. It was the most intimate thing to happen since the drunken kiss. 

'The thing is, I know we're friends,' Lexa explained, 'but friendships change in different groups and I don't know them like I know you and I'm not good with people and...'

'You're great,' Clarke reassured softly. 'Well I think you are.'

'I'm not,' Lexa balled the tank she was planning to wear in her hands. She didn't want to stop Clarke. It felt amazing, and God...if Clarke wanted to put her hands on her, Lexa wasn't going to stop her.

'I think you are,' she smoothed her whole palm up Lexa's spine and she found a soft moan escape her lips. 

'I think _you're_ great,' she rasped.

'You should hang out with them. They'd like you and I think you'd like them. Well except for Bellamy maybe.'

'He's still avoiding you?' she was caught in indecision - should she wait for Clarke to step back and just stand there getting increasingly turned on, or pull on her tank and stop this?

'Yeah, but he'll come round. We've been friends for too long for him to be angry at me forever,' Clarke's nails scraped softly down her back.

'Hmm,' Lexa mumbled, then moaning when Clarke's right hand slid around to her stomach and her left brushed damp hair over her shoulder.

'Lexa,' Clarke pressed her lips against the skin of her neck and Lexa couldn't think, couldn't believe this was happening. That Clarke was touching her, that her lips were pressed to the infinity tattoo on her neck. God but she was _so_ fucking relieved she'd brushed her teeth in the bathroom.

'Yeah?'

'You can kiss me if you want,' Clarke spoke into the skin on her neck, the room quiet except for the thundering of Lexa's heart. The words swam in her head for a moment, the implication of them making her skin quite literally buzz. The amount of adrenalin shooting through her system made her feel light headed and her body clenched pleasantly at the very idea of a kiss. 

' _You_ can kiss _me_ ,' she parried back, her voice coming out as little more than a whisper. 

'Why won't you make a move?' Clarke stepped back and sat on the edge of Anya's bed, apparently frustrated. 

'Why won't you?' the sheer amount of adrenalin in Lexa's body was making her feel light headed, and she turned, even though she was only in her black bra and jeans.

'I do. _Everyday_ ,' Clarke sighed the words as she gave a small shrug, Lexa frowning and trying to work out what she had missed. 'Is this...' Clarke gestured between them, 'is it one sided?'

'What do you mean, this?' She knew her eyes were wide and confused and the other girl gave a wry smile and took Lexa's hand and looked at where their fingers were entwined pointedly. 

'I hold your hand everyday. I keep waiting for some sign that you want more, but you never make a move. Raven insists you're interested, but are you? Just tell me?' Her blue eyes were vulnerable and pleading and Lexa realized that perhaps she'd been playing it _far too_ safe, that Clarke wanted her kiss, wanted something. That maybe that drunken kiss hadn't been because they were drunk but because it was desired. Clarke felt something for her and she'd not seen it because she was to busy trying to hide her own feelings. 

Without thinking any more, Lexa surged forward, her lips pressing against Clarke's in a soft, achingly slow kiss, as she straddled the girls lap - careful not to actually sit on her. At once Clarke responded, her hand landing on Lexa's shoulder and tugging her closer. Lexa couldn't think, her hands threading into soft fair tresses, as she kissed the girl she'd dreamt about kissing for months, her body thrilled at the turn of events. Lexa wanted to drown in her, could kiss her in this gentle amazing way forever, except Clarke clearly had something different on her mind and Lexa felt her tongue seek entrance to her mouth, as she fell back on the bed pulling Lexa with her. As soon as they were lying, Lexa pretty much on top of Clarke's sexy body, a mixture of lean muscles and softness, Clarke rolled them so she was lying half on top of her. Lexa whimpered. She didn't mean too but fuck. Clarke was sexy, and dominant and just everything that turned her on. Her mouth opened and when Clarke's tongue met hers the blond girl hovering over her let out a soft moan and her body moved instinctively against her hip, Clarke deepening the kiss further, turning it increasingly heated with each soft sigh and each rock of her body against Lexa's. 

Kissing Clarke was like fireworks on the Fourth of July - she'd imagined them, knew they would be wonderful, but reality managed to supersede her imagination in the extreme. She always swore she wouldn't _ooh_ and _ahh_ at fireworks and yet every time they were better than imagined and she found herself gasping out loud. The reality of Clarke was better than anticipated. So much better. She made these soft noises as she kissed, and even though the kiss was heated and needy, it still felt close and romantic. It didn't just feel like a kiss - it felt like Clarke had wanted to kiss her and was extremely pleased to be doing so. 

Instinct moved Lexa's leg, shifting it so her thigh was between Clarke's, so that the next time Clarke's body rolled into hers she let out a soft gasp and moaned at the friction against her. The kiss became instantly more ardent, her tongue tangling with increased enthusiasm, as her hands moved to Lexa's side and edged over her stomach and trailed up her side. Lexa raised her knee just slightly and the feeling of Clarke grinding down onto her thigh, of heat against the skin through her leggings and slight dampness had them both moaning into the kiss. The effect of the increased friction was instantaneous on them both. Clarke's hands moved high enough that she was smoothing over Lexa's breast, fingers brushing over her pebbled nipple causing her to groan loudly and her hips to buck up towards her. Lexa emboldened by Clarke's confidence found her hands on the soft skin of her waist, only one hand travelled north and one south. Her right moved under Clarke's top, up her side to take the weight of her boob in her hand and fuck but Clarke had fabulous boobs. It was hard for her to really grasp that she was touching her, that her hand was smoothing over the soft skin and bra, her fingers pinching the nipple, and that doing so was causing Clarke to grind down harder onto her thigh. Her left snuck under the waistband of her leggings and underwear to smooth over the curve of her ass, delicious and cool. Her hand pressed down - supportive of each and every move of Clarke's hips.

'Fuck,' Clarke moaned into the kiss.

'Clarke,' Lexa felt the plea escape her but she wasn't quite sure what she was begging for. Friction against her aching centre, reassurance that this was what Clarke really wanted or just a plea in general for this to real and not just an incredibly vivid hallucination.

'I'm gonna come Lexa,' the panted words from this sexy, beautiful girl caused a moan to escape her and her hips to arch up into her. Clarke mewled at the sensation snd kissed her with renewed fever, soft whimpers coming as she rocked faster and harder until she was crying out, her voice deep and unbearably sexy. 'Fuck Lexa...oh my god...' she panted into her neck, collapsing on top of her and breathing harshly into her neck. Lexa cautiously wrapped her arms around her, unsure whether that would be ok but Clarke made a small noise of contentment and pressed a kiss to her neck. 'Fuck,' she whispered.

'Are you ok?' Lexa asked uncertainly, knowing that things had escalated quickly, perhaps quicker than Clarke had intended. She knew the girl in her arms might draw back, freak out in some way and tried to mentally prepare herself for the sting. 

'I want to make you come...show me how...please...' Clarke raised her head, eyes hooded as she pressed a messy kiss to the corner of Lexa's lips. 'Fuck you're so pretty,' she kissed again, hand moving up to cup her breast once through her lace bra once again. Lexa whimpered softly at that.

'You don't have to, it's ok...' she put a hand over Clarke's and stilled it, unable to shake the feeling that this might not be what Clarke wanted. That maybe she felt it was owed.

'Lexa, I want to,' the girl frowned as she looked down at her. 'Don't you want to feel good too?'

'Yes...but you...I...what if...'

'What if what?' Clarke pouted.

'Well...what if you regret this?'

'I want this Lexa. I want you,' and as if to emphasize her point she squeezed the breast she still under her hand. 

'But you've never been with a girl before...'

'So?' Clarke scoffed. 'What's that got to do with anything?'

'Why do you want me?' Lexa gave a small shrug. Clarke was everything she wanted. She'd been thinking and wanting this and now that it was happening and it just felt too good to be true.

'Why?' Clarke stared at her. 'Because I like you. A lot. Because I'm really fucking attracted to you. Because I'm bi and you're a lesbian and fuck...are you _not_ attracted to me in the same way?' her face fell.

'God, I am. Of course I am - you're the sexiest, nicest most interesting girl I've ever met..but I just...I didn't think...when we kissed that time, we were drunk and...' Lexa tried to explain her feelings, stuttering slightly with nerves. 

'Because I was too self conscious and worried to do it sober!' Clarke rolled off of her and buried her face in Anya's bed pillows, Lexa immediately wishing she was still close. After a while she turned her face and glassy blue eyes stared at her, 'God Lexa...I've tried. I've been as close to you as I can, I wait for you after classes, I text you constantly, ask you over, draw you, I hold your hand every time you're at my house - do you have any idea how many guts I need to do that? And what do I get? I mean you walk with me after class _but_ you don't wait for me. You reply to my texts _but_ never text me first. I ask you over and you come _but_ you never ask me anywhere - I get why you don't want me here but you know... I draw you and you let me _but_ you never ask to take a photograph of me and I know how much you love photography because you told me. I hold your hand every night and you let me, _but_ you never touch me first.'

Lexa stared back for a moment and then cautiously reached out her hand and let it rest against Clarke's cheek, watching her eyes flutter shut for a second.

'I kissed you,' she whispered. 

'Because I goaded you into it...and you're alone and vulnerable and...'

'I never wait for you after class because I don't want to embarrass you - you're pretty and popular and I just find it hard to believe you'd want people to know we're friends. I never text you first because I'm worried about being a bother, irritating you. I don't want to put you on the spot by asking you somewhere you don't want to go because you don't want to go with me. I am desperate to take your photo but I didn't want to make you uncomfortable or make you think I was only here because I'm attracted to you, when I'm not. I'll be your friend if that's all you want. And when you hold my hand it's the best bit of my day. I'm not as brave as you Clarke,' she shuffled on the bed so her head was resting beside Clarke's, and moved her hand from her soft cheek down to take her hand. 

'Well you _did_ kiss me first,' Clarke smirked and Lexa smiled back. 

'I did,' she agreed. 

'And you made me come, which...you know...is pretty good going.'

'I think you're beautiful Clarke,' she leaned forward and gave her a sweet, loving, but chaste kiss.

'I think you're beautiful.' They both smiled into the kiss. 'Let me make you feel good. I want to touch you Lexa,' Clarke urged, shuffling even closer. 

'I want that...fuck...I really want that, but can we just be close for now...it's just that I...I...' she stumbled with her words, finding it hard to explain the fragility of her emotions at this unexpected feeling of being wanted, at having someone want to care for her.

'Yeah ok...I get it Lexa...really I do. Let's lie here together a while and then go for pancakes? Maybe a date is what we need to reassure you I'm into you?'

'Thank you Clarke.'

'You know when we got drunk?' Clarke smiled.

'Yeah?' her answering smile was cautious.

'I kinda hoped that by getting drunk you'd just ravish me without thought,' she admitted, 'and then you did and then fucking Bellamy interrupted us.'

'You know...I don't think I'd ever ravish you without thought.'

'Hmm, no I bet you wouldn't,' Clarke gave a sunny smile.


	4. Aw my little rebel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa wakes up with Clarke after a nap on Anya's bed. They fool around, make pancakes and then Clarke convinces Lexa to come to her house for thanksgiving dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I said 2 chapters and then 4 chapters and now I'm putting a ? there. I feel probably 2 more but to be safe:)
> 
> Thanks so much for all the comments on this. This chapter is more about feels than anything else. Thanks to the gorgeous @jaelle90 for checking this and then checking it again :-x
> 
> I love how great you have all been about this fic, so thanks:) I love the comments (and obviously the kudos too;)

**Chapter Four**

**Previously**

_'I think you're beautiful.' They both smiled into the kiss. 'Let me make you feel good. I want to touch you Lexa,' Clarke urged, shuffling even closer._

_'I want that...fuck...I really want that, but can we just be close for now...it's just that I...I...' she stumbled with her words, finding it hard to explain the fragility of her emotions at this unexpected feeling of being wanted, at having someone want to care for her._

_'Yeah ok...I get it Lexa...really I do. Let's lie here together a while and then go for pancakes? Maybe a date is what we need to reassure you I'm into you?'_

_'Thank you Clarke.'_

_'You know when we got drunk?' Clarke smiled._

_'Yeah?' her answering smile was cautious._

_'I kinda hoped that by getting drunk you'd just ravish me without thought,' she admitted, 'and then you did and then fucking Bellamy interrupted us.'_

_'You know...I don't think I'd ever ravish you without thought.'_

_'Hmm, no I bet you wouldn't,' Clarke gave a sunny smile._

**A little while later**

They must have fallen asleep, wrapped around each other on Anya's single bed. Lexa awoke a little while later, but just lay and enjoyed the feeling of Clarke wrapped around her. She was still on her back and blond hair covered her bra from where Clarke's face was nestled into her neck, the girls soft breaths tickling her skin. It was a strange feeling, having someone so close. Lexa was used to physical isolation. She and Lincoln were close but not especially tactile, especially as he got sicker and she feared hurting him - that the tight hug she desperately wanted to give him would result in blooms of bruises on his skin, bruises like which she'd never seen before he became sick. And so the more she desired to be close, to cling onto him, as if that would prevent him leaving, the further he'd slipped from her grasp. 

Clarke was holding onto her with firm hands, and without fear. Lexa hadn't held on to anyone without fear of loss, or fear of pain for a long, long time. But it was Clarke, who didn't seem to fear loss, that was holding onto _her_ as if she might slip away. Lexa wondered if she'd ever leave this bed if Clarke were in it because the girl made her feel like she was more than nothing, that life might be about more than just making it though. That she might be able to have more than the day to day struggle to survive. That maybe she didn't have to hold on so tight to everyone because there was someone holding onto her. 

'Hey,' Clarke's croaky voice rumbled against her neck and she found herself smiling. It was hard not too when Clarke's fingers tracked patterns over her stomach. The room was cold, it was always cold, but Lexa didn't care that her room about that - why would she when Clarke Griffin was snuggled in close to her, when Clarke a Griffins hands were on her. 

'Hey,' she smiled, a smile which grew so wide her cheeks hurt and she marvelled that she could actually smile that way. But Clarke was smiling at her too as she leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. 'Roll over please, onto your side.'

'Huh?' She didn't want to roll away from Clarke's beautiful face, from her lips.

'So I can see your tattoo,' Clarke smirked as she pressed another kiss to her lips, a kiss which deepened until Lexa couldn't remember what they had been talking about, couldn't think except to grasp at the body beside hers and tug Clarke closer, ever closer. Clarke giggled,

'Onto your side, _please_...'

She felt sheepish, silly for getting so lost in the kiss, but Clarke's hands cupped her chin and fingers brushed her cheekbones, 'uh...ok,' she was still sleepy enough not to feel weird or strange about the fact that she was in her bra or that Clarke wanted to stare at her close up. Clarke had spent the last three months fixedly staring at her eyes, or her lips, her ears, her face. It was easy to transition to the feel of her eyes fixed on her body, though it was slightly more intoxicating. In general, Lexa had never really given her looks much consideration. She knew she was attractive enough - she'd had enough attention for it, even though that attention had rarely been positive. She'd never been called beautiful in a good way, never had someone stare at her the way Clarke did but without malicious intent behind it. And people in her life had been malicious. Men who had sought to use her, women who were jealous and hated her, some who had also sought to use and abuse her. Lincoln had been cautious of her looks, feared they'd be used against her, feared that they might make her vulnerable and she resented that something like that should even be a consideration. She insisted to him that she could be beautiful and strong. That she could be beautiful and take care of herself. And Lincoln had known that, had known that judging anyone by looks was stupid and wrong, but he saw the looks and the malintent behind them and he feared for her. Lexa had taken it upon herself to use the would be users. She dressed to look tough, she became tough - learnt how to fight, how to defend herself. She would try and use others for her advantage, use her looks to get what she wanted, but she'd only ever really wanted one things - her brother and there had been no way to get that, even though she'd tried. She'd always felt beautiful, but the _wrong_ sort of beautiful. It was a fragile beauty, and potentially endangering. Clarke made her feel empowered by her beauty, empowered in general. Clarke helped her claim ownership of how she looked merely by appreciating it without expectation or jealousy. Clarke was also pleased with how she looked and that made Lexa pleased with it too. She wondered whether Clarke would have the same interest in her if she looked different? Not that she could change her face. She still turned on the bed for the girl beside her. 

'You planning a sketch?' she asked, her voice soft.

'I just want to look, please?' The soft kiss to the base of her spine convinced her to lie still and allow Clarke to examine her. 'Hmmm,' the soft hum was achingly sweet as Clarke began tracing over her spine and the tattoo there with her left index finger, her nail scratching the skin every now and then.

'Are you going to draw it?' she asked again, and Clarke released a low, throaty chuckle,

'You're lying in a bed with me half naked Lexa...drawing isn't what I'm thinking about,' as if to emphasize her point she pressed a kiss between her shoulder blades and slid her left hand onto her stomach before trailing it up. 

'Clarke,' Lexa whispered her name as a careful hand cupped her boob, fingers rolling the nipple. The whispered word was followed by a moan, released on a breath of air. 

'I want a kiss Lexa. I want a kiss from you,' Clarke's voice was teasing and she encouraged Lexa to roll back onto her back.

'I want to kiss you too, so that's good,' she stared at the beautiful girl who was sharing a bed with her, another a huge smile slipping onto her face. Clarke seemed to glow at the sight of it and then they were kissing, Clarke pulling her close.

The kiss was warm, sweet, like all she'd dreamt it would be, and yet it was also so much more. It was emotional closeness. It was kindness and care, things she'd been without for far too long especially in the grief that still consumed her over her brother's death. Grief was something she still didn't understand, even as she waded through it. The aching loneliness of grief seemed to swell against the softness of kissing, against the open affection and Lexa was horrified to feel tears welling up inside of her. 

Clarke didn't notice when the first tears escaped her eyes, and she tried hopelessly to keep the rest inside from falling, squeezing her eyes tightly shut and focussing on the sensation of the soft lips against hers. Only that just emphasized the fact that she'd been alone, so alone and no one had cared. 

'Lexa,' Clarke stilled and drew back, her face and voice filled with concern. 

'I'm sorry,' she whispered covering her face. 'I'm sorry.'

'Did I do something wrong?' Clarke sounded scared and Lexa shook her head, unable to pull her hands from her face. 'You can tell me...I've...you know I've never been with a girl...I mean before you...'

'No,' she managed, the word strangled in her throat. 

'Then what's the matter? What happened? You do want this, right?' Clarke's hands began tracking patterns up and down her arms, weaving through her hair, and then fluttering over her own. 

'Yes,' she whispered, because she did want Clarke. More than anything. She lowered her hands. 

'Then why are you crying?' her brow was furrowed and she shifted closer, rather than further away. 

'I'm just...' she broke off as she searched for the right work. 

'Sad?' Clarke guessed, pressing a soft kiss to the end of her nose. 

'So used to being alone,' she sniffed, the burn of tears in her eyes easing with the revelation. 'I'm not used...to being _close,_ ' she attempted to explain, feeling embarrassed at her display of emotion. 

'That's ok,' Clarke kissed her wet cheeks. 'Do you want to go for pancakes instead?'

'No,' she admitted. She really didn't. Pancakes were what she had done with Lincoln and doing it alone would only emphasize that he was gone. 

'Then let's just be here together,' Clarke offered. 'And don't go hiking. Come back to mine and eat thanksgiving dinner with me and my family.'

'Won't your parents mind?'

'No,' Clarke assured her. 'They have a thing for waifs and strays,' she teased the latter softly.

'I'm not a waif or a stray,' she pouted, somewhat indignant. 

'I know,' Clarke soothed her with kisses to her cheeks. 'I do know that Lexa. But we all need a little help from time to time...and that's no particular type of help...just the assistance or even presence of others. You don't need to be alone today. I want you to be with me. I need you to be with me, or I'll spend my whole day worrying about you.'

'Why?' she frowned - it felt weird to have some one worry about her. A mixture of stifling and nice. Kind of how she used to feel with Lincoln, because of course he'd loved her and wanted to protect her and she had to prove to them both that she could and would be ok on her own. But no one was really ok on their own. The care and worry of someone else anchored a person in place, and when Clarke said she would worry, Lexa realized that she'd been blowing in the wind, drifting listlessly and aimlessly with no direction for far too long. She was surviving and Clarke made her feel that there might be more, just through the simple act of caring about her. 

'I'll worry about you because we're friends Lexa, because I care about you and because...well...this,' she gestured to their proximity and Lexa felt a blush rise to her cheeks. 

'This?' she tilted her head in question, wanting Clarke to vocalize whatever this was between them, wanting her to put a name to it for her. But Clarke didn't seem to understand that and she merely kissed her and Lexa interpreted that to mean that they were friends and that they kissed, but that perhaps they wouldn't do it in public - because Clarke hadn't clarified what they were to each other. She wanted to decide how she felt about that, but it was hard to think with Clarke's lips on hers, with Clarke's hands on her, with Clarke sliding a thigh between her legs and whispering into the kiss, 

'Like this?' 

Even through her jeans, the friction was enough because her body was primed and ready. She was turned on, needy, shamefully desperate. The instant Clarke's thigh pushed into her, her body ground down against it with a gasp.

'Fuck,' she growled because of the strength of her response to Clarke, to her smell, her noises, the look of those blue eyes shining at her triumphantly. 

'Ok, like that!' 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXO**

'So how were pancakes?' Abby asked as Lexa helped to peel yams. 'Where did you go? I'm surprised anywhere was open.' The question brought a ready blush to her cheeks. 

'I made pancakes for Lexa at her house in the end,' Clarke stated breezily, failing to mention that she'd actually leant against Lexa's back pressing kisses to her neck, as Lexa made the pancakes. 

' _You_ made pancakes?' Abby scoffed and Clarke giggled,

'Well I flipped them,' she responded and wriggled her body cutely, as if performing some kind of half dance. 

'So how many did you actually get to eat?' Abby grinned knowingly at Lexa as she took the carrots Raven had chopped, and dumped them into the roasting tin around the fat turkey which was already browning from time in the oven. 

'We ate lots,' Clarke stated defensively at the same time as Lexa murmured,

'Two,' rather shyly. 

'Well two is enough considering all the food we have here,' Abby laughed. 

'Fall on the floor did they?' Raven asked from the table and when Lexa looked up she saw that Raven and Clarke were doing that thing some girls seemed to be experts at - speaking with their eyes. Raven was grinning, with way too much innuendo and knowledge in her eyes, and Lexa couldn't even begin to imagine what dirty situations she was conjuring up to do with pancakes, and she considered her mind to be fairly good at dirty scenarios. 

'Luckily they did - much easier to clean than the ceiling,' she answered Ravens question when it seemed that Clarke wasn't going to, but then when no one said anything she wondered if it had been rhetorical. She began to feel ill at ease, out of her social depth, at this family thanksgiving better suited to a film or tv comedy. 

'One landed on Lexa's foot,' Clarke snickered and Raven chuckled, eyebrows rising up toward her hair line. 

'Ow,' Abby gave her a look of concern, apparently oblivious to Raven and where her mind took the revelation. 'Did it burn you?'

'No, it was fine,' she blushed again because Clarke had insisted on cold water, and so they'd sat together on the edge of the bathtub, feet pressed together in several inches of cold water as they ate pancakes off plates on their knees. It had been something like her usual tradition with Lincoln, there had been pancakes and syrup after all, and yet Clarke had turned the tradition on its head and made something wonderfully new and fun out of the old, now painful, rites of thanksgiving. 

'I'm sure it was,' Raven let out a half scoff of amusement, that became more of a snort when Clarke shoved an elbow in her side and Abby stared at her, but then just rolled her eyes as if used to the brunette girl's smirk and sarcasm. 

'You girls can go watch a movie if you want? Or go for a walk? Clarke said you like to hike?' Abby was smiling at her. 

'Uh...yeah...' Again she couldn't find an adequate response, one that allowed her to share with Clarke's mom in an appropriate way. 

'Well we probably have a couple of hours until we're ready to eat, so find something fun to do.'

'Do you want to go for a walk?' Clarke asked her, blue eyes open and receptive, soft and caring. She actually _didn't_ and so shook her head. Clarke smiled and grabbed her hand, 'come on Rae, let's go watch a movie in the den.'

Lexa allowed herself to be dragged, aware of Raven following behind them. Clarke immediately flopped onto the two seater couch and tugged her down beside her, leaving Raven with one of the two overstuffed chairs. 

'What do you wanna watch?' Clarke pulled a blanket from the back of the couch and covered their bodies as Raven sunk into an armchair while murmuring,

'You're fucking obvious Clarkey.'

'Obviously hungry?' Clarke asked sarcastically and threw a cushion at her friend who caught it. 

'You and lover girl...you couldn't be more obvious about your adoration - you look thirsty as fuck,' Raven said as she flicked through Netflix. 

'I'm not trying to hide it,' Clarke rolled her eyes and grabbed Lexa's hand, surprising her. Lexa watched Clarke entwine their fingers together, before squirming closer and dropping her head onto her shoulder, blond waves tickling her chin. 

'Not even from Momma Griff?' Raven scoffed. 'What about your dad?'

'My mom and dad are gonna find out I like girls at some point,' Clarke stated brazenly and Lexa felt her jaw drop at her sass, at her confidence. 

'True,' Raven laughed, 'you're not exactly subtle. Just remember that once they find out the door open rule will apply to boys _and_ girls.'

'Fuck, yeah,' Clarke's brow furrowed. 

'And what is _this_?' Raven gestured between them, waving a casual hand to where Clarke was pressed in tight against Lexa. 

'I like Lexa and I think she likes me,' Clarke burrowed ever closer.

'I do,' she admitted and Clarke beamed. 

'Well I like you too Clarke, but clearly not in quite the same way!' Raven threw the cushion back at them. Lexa caught it before it hit Clarke's face.

'Thanks,' Clarke pressed a kiss to the corner of her mouth, 

'So it is like that, huh?' Raven chuckled. 'Good, good.'

'Rae, maybe we haven't talked about what this is, maybe you could show some discretion for once in your life.'

'But then I wouldn't be me, would I?' the dark haired girl grinned. 

'Nah, I guess not,' Clarke smiled and fed a hand under Lexa's shirt so it was resting on her bare stomach. It was hard for Lexa to take - the easy familiarity between the girls, the lack of fear of detection, the ease with which Clarke dealt with her. Every time Clarke touched her, her heart would hammer and a burst of adrenalin would flood her system - from arousal and fear - a heady mix. Clarke seemed to be addicted to touching her, relieved that her advances were wanted, desired. 

'I'm just saying, maybe if you guys want the same freedom you've been used to, a little less obvious would be good.'

'What did we even do?' Lexa had to ask. She didn't get it - they'd fixed vegetables and chatted, that was it. Raven gave a cackle of laughter,

'You,' she pointed a finger at her, 'you're the heart eyes queen. I had you pegged from the second I saw you watching the princess. And the princess...she just can't shut up about you. Lexa this, and Lexa that. And she's got her own love sick puppy look.'

'I do not,' Clarke protested, at the same time as her eyes narrowed in on Lexa and she tugged a scrap of potato peel from amid her dark hair. Even Lexa conceded that the action undermined the other girls protest, and Raven - she merely cackled again. 

'Ok, ok, let's watch something,' Lexa murmured and Raven grinned widely at her before switching on _The Day After Tomorrow_. Lexa gave Clarke a look and she giggled into her neck,

'Rae loves disaster movies.'

' _We_ love disaster movies,' Raven clarified without looking away from the screen.

' _We_ do,' Clarke blushed and Lexa leaned forward and kissed the tip of her nose without thinking, because the blush was adorable. Of course the brashness of her action brought with it a wave of insecurity, which was apparently unnecessary because Clarke merely shifted closer and pressed their lips together.

'That's fucking distracting,' Raven threw yet another throw cushion at them a few minutes later, and rather sheepishly they turned their attention to the screen. 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

'Would you like me to drive you home Lexa?' Abby asked kindly, after several rounds of Cranium, the clock now pushing 11. Lexa had to admit that the familiar mixed with the unfamiliar was an acceptable new form of Thanksgiving. If it were too like the times she'd shared with Lincoln, his absence would be emphasized. Lincoln would have loved the games. He'd have loved the food too, and she was fairly certain he'd have been fond of Clarke. 

'I thought Lexa could stay. We can do some school work tomorrow on our Friday off and have the weekend for fun,' Clarke offered up.

'Won't your uncle want you for some of the holiday?' Abby asked with a kind smile. 

'You never said where he was today?' Jake leaned back in his armchair and rubbed his belly. 

'He and Lexa's cousin went to see her grandparents,' Clarke said and then sucked in air kind of sharply and looked at Lexa, obviously worried she'd said more than she should have. Lexa sighed, not really feeling much of anything.

'You have grandparents?' Abby smiled, at the same time as Jake frowned,

'How come you didn't go along?'

Lexa dithered for a few moments, caught in indecision. It would be easier to lie, to sell them the obviously fake cold line, but it was clear from the furrow of Jakes brow, a furrow matched on his daughters, that they knew it was more. Raven unexpectedly saved her,

'Oh, we have so much work to catch up on right? No one in their right mind would spend four days with the oldies with this much work to do. Didn't you say there's like zero reception at their place?' 

'Yeah, zero,' she nodded, and caught Ravens eyes. For once she was one of the girls talking with her eyes, and she knew Raven received her message of thanks. 

'Well then stay here!' Abby offered. 'Don't be alone, when there's no need. We have an excess of food and excellent wifi. You're more than welcome.'

'Thank you Dr. Griffin and thank you to all of you for letting me intrude today.'

'You didn't intrude,' Jake pressed an hand to her arm as he stood and began to say his good nights. 

'We love a full house,' Abby admitted. 'We'll steal you whenever you can be stolen.' Abby smiled at her warmly before kissing Clarke and Raven goodnight, a soft motherly kiss to their foreheads. She hesitated in front of Lexa, before wrapping her in a warm but brief hug. 'Goodnight girls. Don't stay up too late.'

'Are you sure this is ok?' Lexa whispered into Clarke's ear, embarrassed. 'I really don't want to intrude.'

'It's fine,' Clarke reassured, and fluttered her lashes. 'And you're not intruding.' 

'But maybe we're lying? I mean they think we're just friends?' she said thinking of heated kisses.

'We're not,' the blond girl shrugged and Lexa wondered what that meant - which question Clarke was answering. Were they lying by omission or were they really not lying, as Clarke said, because there was nothing to tell. Or was Clarke confirming that they weren't just friends. 'No,' Clarke's soft voice broke into her thoughts. 

'No?'

'They haven't asked us anything about our relationship. So there's no lie,' she decided.

'Ok,' she gave a small nod but when Clarke dragged her back through to the den, and Raven stuck on another movie, she vowed to keep her distance, to be proper. But an hour and a half later Clarke was waking her, and she was plastered to the blonds side, her face resting on her soft, voluptuous chest. Her arm was entwined tightly around her and she was warm and comfortable. She felt safe. 

'Let's go to bed Lexa,' Clarke whispered, and she realized they were alone in the den. 

She followed Clarke up the stairs, and still half asleep changed into sleep shorts and tank Clarke gave her, brushed her teeth with the new toothbrush Abby had put out for her, before gingerly sitting on the edge of the bed to await Clarke's return from the bathroom. When she padded out she was similarly dressed and she rolled her eyes at her, apparently amused by her awkwardness, before moving across the room and climbing onto her so she was straddling her lap. Instinctively Lexa's hands rose to rest against her hips and she stared up at this confident girl, this wonderfully self assured girl. This girl who had been broken by the death of a boy, a death at her hand, and had yet managed to put herself back together so well that she was strong for those around her. Lexa wished she could do the same. 

'I think I could spend an eternity looking into your eyes and feel like I didn't know them,' Clarke whispered before pressing a kiss to one temple and then the other. 'Let's go to sleep,' she moved around her body and kicked back the covers. Lexa waited a beat and then followed, curling up self consciously, facing towards the door away from the girl her body thrummed for. 

'Lexa,' Clarke's soft voice. 

'Hmmm?'

'Come here.' Lexa turned and Clarke had her arms open, 'you're too far away over there. I mean, unless you don't want to...'

'I want to,' her voice was so different around this girl. It was still precise and clipped but she heard the softer note. It was warmer, affectionate even. She moved into Clarke's open arms, loving how protectively they wrapped around her, before she felt soft kisses being pressed to her forehead. 

'Thank you for today,' she whispered.

'You don't have a cold, do you?' Clarke whispered and she shook her head, just once, aware of how it made her cheek rub against the swell of Clarke's chest. 'Why didn't you go to your grandparents house, really?'

'The didn't ask me,' she tried to sound nonchalant but her throat felt constricted and thick. She wasn't even sure why. The existence of grandparents hadn't actually occurred to her until Clarke had queried the fact that she and Anya must share the same ones. But at that moment she had began to wonder why they hadn't shown an interest in her, why they allowed her to drift alone while Anya, who had a father, got them as well. Why didn't they care about her? Weren't grandparents supposed to dote and adore?

'Lexa,' her name whispered from Clarke's pretty mouth refocused her and she stared at dark shining eyes. 'That sucks.'

'Yeah,' she actually laughed, 'it does.'

'Do you know why?'

'No,' she admitted. 'I didn't know about Gus and Anya until Linc got really sick. He tried to find them, so I had somewhere to go, someone who might take care of me instead of social services. The first time I met them was at his funeral. Social services were there too, you know, so it was lucky they agreed to have me.'

'Were your grandparents at his funeral?'

'No. I don't think...well I don't think they care for my brother and I. Like I said, I don't know why. But I think that maybe my mom was too...too much...to be honest I hadn't really recognized that they were my grandparents as well as Anya's until you...well until...'

'Until I asked?' Clarke filled in and she nodded. 

'Let's talk about something different,' she suggested, desperate to not be depressing. 

'Yeah, you never did tell me what you were thankful for?' Clarke teased, clearly recognizing that she was beginning to slump. It was a leading question and Lexa answered the way Clarke wanted her to,

'Well obviously I'm thankful for you,' she grinned because it was true and Clarke shifted them so she could pull Lexa towards her, so she could press a warm, leading kiss on her lips.

'And I you,' Clarke rasped into the kiss, pulling Lexa more firmly onto her, lifting her thigh at once so Lexa found her body straddling it. She learned fast, Lexa would give her that, as the delicious feeling of Clarke's muscled thigh between her legs made her head swim. 'I liked it when you came,' Clarke trailed her hands down her back and onto her ass and encouraged her hips to move. The experience was heady. Clarke controlling her hips, Clarke being in control of the gentle rub of her clit against her bare thigh. She was kissing her harder too, her kisses open mouthed, leading, sinful, as she sucked her lip into the warm cavern of her mouth, biting down and using her hands to grind her into her thigh all at the same time. When a breathy moan escaped Lexa, Clarke flipped them, and Lexa's whole body surged and swooped delectably, especially when Clarke slid onto her thigh, ensuring hers was tight up against Lexa's clit, before she rocked giving them both what they needed. Lexa groaned and gripped onto the girl, unsure where to put her hands and so ran them uncertainly from Clarke's round, firm ass, to the tops of her thighs, then up her back and around her neck.

'Touch me however you want,' Clarke rasped into the kiss, shamelessly grinding into her thigh, so wet Lexa could feel the moisture seeping through the thin pyjama shorts she was wearing. 

'You're wearing too many clothes for how I want to touch you,' she growled back and her words seemed to turn Clarke on more. The whimper from her throat was pure sin and Lexa gasped because her toned thigh began to rub perfectly and she wasn't really thinking when her hands trailed down the back of Clarke's sleep shorts, onto the soft silk of her ass, to assist her movements. 

'God you turn me on Lexa, so much,' Clarke was panting, her brow furrowed as she ceased kissing in favour of focussed grinding onto her thigh, hands boldly landing on Lexa's chest and squeezing her small boobs. 'Fuck you're sexy, so sexy,' she pushed her left hand under the edge of the tank Lexa was wearing, cool fingers brushing hastily up her side before she was squeezing her bare breast, an action that seemed to arouse her even more as she began to release these soft noises as her fingers squeezed and rolled her nipple. 

'Fuck Clarke,' her hiss came as her body began to escape her control, her hips rising to meet Clarke's as she sought the bliss of release, which felt close, so close, with Clarke rocking against her, mouth and face morphing through expressions of pleasure. It was unreal, quite literally unreal and Lexa felt herself hurtling far too quickly towards her finish. She wanted it, desperately, but once it was achieved this would be over and who knew what Clarke might think in the morning? The girl in question was relentless however, fingers playing with her chest as she shoved her tank up, lips sucking on the skin of her neck and body rocking in to meet Lexa's as she sighed and moaned messily, every sound a fucking aphrodisiac.

'Oh shit, oh fuck,' Lexa felt herself begin to lose it, her body reaching, trying to grasp at the feeling of freedom, and then she was sailing, every nerve rippling and sighing its release, as her fingers dug into the firm muscle of Clarke's behind, holding her tight against her. Clarke's moan was dirty and unholy, and she released it as she ground down one last time before her hips rocked erratically, and she was breathing curse words into the skin of Lexa's neck as she came. They lay in each other's arms, breathing harsh for several minutes.

'Can I draw you?' Clarke asked sleepily and Lexa raised her eyebrows in confusion. She wanted to wrap herself in a blanket of Clarke, a veritable cocoon of the other girls smell and voice, of the feeling of her chest rising and falling. 'I want to draw you after sex...you look so relaxed and happy. I love that look on your face,' Lexa watched as Clarke stared sleepily down at the breast in her hand, her small pert boobs easily fitting in Clarke's palm. The blond gave it a squeeze before surging forward to wrap her lips around her nipple. Lexa felt the tug of Clarke's mouth on her nipple all the way through her body, but especially between her legs and her body lifted off the bed a little as she moaned. 'Hmmm, fuck...next time,' Clarke mumbled around her nipple, before sucking it and nipping it softly and then pulling back. 'Can I draw your boobs as well? They're so pretty.'

'I...uh...' she was still reeling from the effect of Clarke's mouth on her.

'Please?' Clarke straddled her waist and smoothed both palms up her body, 'please? I won't show anyone, I just...really want to?'

'Ok,' her voice was deep and her hands gripped Clarke's hips, learning the feel of them, memorizing it. For a moment Clarke stayed where she was, looking down at her amid a waterfall of golden waves, a soft, shy smile on her face. Then her brow furrowed, and a second later she was reaching for the hem of her tank and peeling it off over her head, so she was sat on her lap topless. 

' _Fuck_ ,' the word came out strangled, said as it was on the sharp inhale of air. Clarke was perfect - soft and curvy and just really, really perfect. Her boobs were big and as she reached up to take them in her palms she realized she adored how they spilt over, soft, sexy skin, too much for her to hold, as hard pebbled nipples brushed her fingers. 

'Fairs fair,' Clarke moaned softly, grinding down against her waist. 

'Huh?'

'I've seen yours and you should get to see mine, even if you're too shy to shove my shirt off like I know you wanted to,' Clarke teased softly, still moving against her.

'I did,' she admitted, eyes still fixed on the overflow of beautiful flesh from her hands. She squeezed and Clarke rocked harder. While her left hand held and squeezed gently, she moved her right to expose Clarke's pink nipple and perfect areole. She squeezed the nipple, rolled it and watched the expression of the girl above her who's breath was coming in short pants. Her mouth dropped open and her head tilted back every time she pinched softly, with a gentle palm of rounded flesh. So she kept doing it, watching Clarke the whole time, marvelling at the smooth creamy skin of her body, at the sexy as sin belly stud, at the freaking perfection of her chest. 

'Fuck, Lexa, fuck,' Clarke was squirming, as she ground down against her stomach, as she pinched and teased. Lexa was wet, her body going crazy from the feel of how wet Clarke was against her skin, at the vision before her - a hot girl, the hottest, sexiest girl she'd ever seen grinding against her, naked chest in her hands, and fuck was she responsive to her touch. Lexa hesitated for a second before giving in to her base desires and leaning forward to wrap her mouth around Clarke's nipple, sucking it into her mouth and swiping her tongue across it. 

'Oh my god, yes,' Clarke hissed, her own hands skating over Lexa's skin, leaving heat in their wake. 'I'm gonna come, so hard, fuck, so hard,' Clarke's panted words in her ear made her insides flip about, and she rolled the nipple in her mouth, sucked and then bit down gently, thrilled with the erotic sound of Clarke coming, all throaty sighs and groans and the softest whimper, as she pulled Lexa's face to hers for a kiss. They both moaned as their bare chests pressed together. 

They kissed heatedly at first, before it turned lazy, and loving, and Clarke was pushing her, encouraging her to lie back in the bed again. She acquiesced, loving the feel of the girls body against hers, the brush of skin against skin more invigorating than the swipe of a feather or silk. Clarke laughed softly, 

'Let's sleep. I'll draw you in the morning,' she yawned cutely. 

'Sure,' Lexa would probably let Clarke do anything she wished with her which was dangerous, and yet she couldn't help herself. 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXO**

Lexa was warm and comfortable and it took a lot of effort and arguing with herself to open her eyes. She was momentarily disoriented when she did, but then she remembered the previous night and couldn't help but smile,

'No smiling,' Clarke admonished from beside the bed, Lexa shifting so she could see the blond girl, feet resting on the bed, sketchbook on her knees. 'And don't move.' With another smile Lexa shifted back to where she was, well aware that Clarke's fluffy duvet had been pulled down to expose her chest. 

'What time is it?'

'Only eight,' Clarke answered. 'I wanted to draw you before my mom decided to come in and wake us up for more thanksgiving fun - according to my parents it's a four day fiesta.'

'What's the plan for today?'

'More of the same. We'll probably go for a hike somewhere...would you want to come to that?'

'I don't know,' she really didn't. 

'That's ok, I understand. Stay for breakfast, we'll do a little work and we'll drop you home before the hike if you don't want to come?'

'Ok, thanks,' she both hated and loved the fact that she didn't want to leave, that she'd risk tears and uncontrolled emotions that a hike might cause, in front of Clarke's family, just to remain close to the other girl. There was also the irrational and slightly misplaced hurt that Clarke didn't seem too bothered with her leaving, that she'd causally suggest it. She would happily spend every second with the girl and even though it wasn't sane to expect Clarke would feel the same, she hated how nonplussed Clarke seemed about delivering her home.

'Though if you thought you could come...that would be nice,' Clarke bit her lip shyly and Lexa realized that her hurt was misplaced. The way the girl bit her lip also made her want to drag her back into bed. 

'Are you nearly finished?'

'Almost,' Clarke shrugged. 

'Please come here,' she whispered and with a little laugh Clarke shoved the sketchpad aside and crawled across the bed until she was nestled up close to Lexa. 

'Hmm, better?'

'Much.'

'So what do you think? About today?'

'I'd love to stay for breakfast,' she smiled and then frowned slightly as she realized what she really wanted to do and who she really wanted to see, 'but I think...well I think after breakfast I may take the train to New York.'

'Why New York?' Clarke looked surprised. 

'I just...it would be nice to see Indra...and Luna...some of Linc's friends and they're there for Thanksgiving. They asked me to come, well they've been asking for ages for me to visit and I keep saying no...but I just feel like maybe it would be good to see them. Like I'm ready to see them and not lose my shit.'

'Then you should. That's a great idea,' Clarke nodded, even though she looked a little miffed. 

'I'm sorry,' she offered at the pout forming on Clarke's face.

'Oh don't be sorry, just because I'm all pouty that I'm not going to see you for a few days,' Clarke gave a self-deprecating chuckle. 'I want what I want but I can deal with not getting it. But let me lend you a coat. You look hot as fuck in your leather jacket but New York is meant to be under a foot of snow.'

'You don't have too...'

'I know,' Clarke pressed a warm kiss to her neck. 'I just don't want you to be cold.'

'Thanks,' the thought of wearing something of Clarke's, that smelt of her, was incredibly appealing. As was the thought of being warm. 

'I'll miss you though. You know FYI. Will you be back for school on Monday?'

'Yeah,' she nodded, warmth spreading through her system at Clarke's words. 'I guess if I leave at about 10 it's like 6 hours so I could probably make it for four today, stay the night and come home late tomorrow - it doesn't really matter how late. I have to be back for Sunday morning whatever as I have to work at the diner.'

'Would you like me to take your shift?' Clarke offered and the warmth in her stomach grew at the unexpected kindness,

'No that's ok. I'll be running the shift so it has to be me,' she admitted and Clarke nodded, before kissing her neck softly.

'Ah, nevermind then. Uh, do you wanna fool around before breakfast?' she asked, raising hooded eyes to look at her. Lexa knew hers must be round with surprise but dark with desire as she nodded mutely. 'Can you touch my boobs again?'

'Hmmm,' she agreed, breathlessly watching as Clarke peeled off her shirt. 

'And I owe you, so you're coming twice,' her flirtatious teasing had the right effect as Lexa tugged her face down for a kiss. 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

Lexa shifted in her seat on the train, her wonderful earphones blocking out the noise of the people and the engine. She'd been writing and rewriting a text message for a good couple of hours. At last she hit send.

 **Lexa** \- Hey

 **Clarke** \- You text me first!! 

**Lexa** \- Well I didn't want you to think I'm not interested :-x

 **Clarke** \- So you're interested are you?

 **Lexa** \- Yeah

 **Lexa** \- You wanna go out for cake, coffee, to hear a band play? Any band?

 **Clarke** \- Yes, yes and yes

 **Lexa** \- This went better than I thought it would

 **Clarke** \- How long did you psych yourself up for before you text that riveting opener?

 **Lexa** \- Since your mom dropped me off until somewhere after Providence:)

 **Clarke** \- Dork

 **Lexa** \- I had a really great time with you Clarke

 **Clarke** \- I had a great time with you too

 **Clarke** \- My parents really like you by the way, I think my dad wants to adopt you

 **Lexa** \- Even with my tats, piercings and overt gayness? They did pick up on that right? And do they know we were in bed together half naked and making each other come?

 **Clarke** \- They're pretty liberal minded, they don't care about tatts and piercings

 **Clarke** \- They don't know about the making out and coming and I'm not entirely sure they know about the gay 

**Lexa** \- Do they know you're bi?

 **Clarke** \- No

 **Clarke** \- But I'll tell them. I mean if you want. I don't want to assume that things are happening between us

 **Lexa** \- Are they?

 **Clarke** \- You tell me? I've made my interest obvious

 **Lexa** \- I asked you out

 **Clarke** \- True. I think that's a yes

 **Lexa** \- So when can I take you out?

 **Clarke** \- How about Monday night? We can go see Deadpool and out for ice cream

 **Lexa** \- I'll get the tickets

 **Clarke** \- And I'll get the ice cream

 **Lexa** \- It's a date

 **Clarke** \- yeah, a date. Do you want me to tell my parents I'm going on a date with you? Because I will. But you know...

 **Lexa** \- Tell them if you want. They won't mind? Are you worried? Be ready, don't tell them because you think you should

 **Clarke** \- Well I don't think they'd have a problem. I mean I don't know for sure, but they've always made a point of not assuming what my sexuality is despite Bellamy

 **Lexa** \- So why wouldn't you tell them?

 **Clarke** \- So you can keep staying over:-x

 **Lexa** \- Haha well you don't need to tell them straight away...

 **Clarke** \- Well I can't put it off forever, I mean I really like kissing you and chances are they'll catch us one day. Raven isn't subtle either 

**Lexa** \- I like kissing you too

 **Clarke** \- Hmmm good

 **Clarke** \- How is the train?

 **Lexa** \- Boring. I'm listening to music

 **Clarke** \- What are you listening to?

 **Lexa** \- Rage Against the Machine - I'm feeling all anti-establishment

 **Clarke** \- Aw my little rebel

 **Clarke** \- That's a pretty cute image you know

 **Lexa** \- I don't think I'll ever be cute lol

 **Clarke** \- I think you are. So cute I can't wait until Monday to see you. Will you come over for dinner on Sunday?

 **Lexa** \- Really?

 **Clarke** \- Yeah. I wanna see you

 **Lexa** \- What time?

 **Clarke** \- 7? Or whenever you're done work?

 **Lexa** \- Yeah ok. Probably around 7 is good. What can I bring?

 **Clarke** \- Your sexy self and your pouty lips

 **Lexa** \- Done;)


	5. I just want to get better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa returns from New York and Clarke collects her from the train station. At school on Monday, Clarke is openly affectionate and they kiss in the lunchroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So homophobia in schools is a real problem. I'm studying education and here in Bc we're learning how to combat it. It's a real issue with kids receiving homophobic taunts from students _and_ teachers and that's the tip of the iceberg. Many kids don't feel safe. Why am I telling you this: because Lexa experienced it at her last school. And I don't plan to entirely ignore what's happening in schools. It's not going to be a big part of the story but it is part of it.
> 
> Clarke and Lexa kiss in the lunchroom and not everyone is enlightened or decent about it. They both deal with surprising reactions. The incident of homophobia isn't "big" but it is not what should be happening, and thus it upsets me.
> 
> Also two songs inspired this fic: The Zola's "You're too cool" which is where all Lexa's lyrics are from and "I wanna get better" by Bleachers (a song about the death of his sister).
> 
> Thanks for the comments and kudos on the last chapter. I hope you like this chapter and as you all know by now I love hearing your comments - if you prefer tumblr, come find me there. I'm always happy to chat!

**Chapter Five**

The hum of the train, the clanking and clattering as it sped along the track, began to lull her to sleep. The weekend had been emotionally exhausting. New York was too far to go for twenty four hours - rationally she knew that, had known it before she left, and yet she was still glad she'd gone. Glad she'd survived the pain of seeing people who had surrounded his brother and now seemed as lost as her. The experience didn't heal her. It wasn't enjoyable, not really, though they all did their best to pretend. It had been nice to see Indra, Luna, Tris and Nyko. They had known her since she was a child, and there was the ease of being around people who understood who you were, who got your quirks, loved you for them, or at least teased you for them. And yet...and yet...

Lexa sighed and turned up her music. Sleep evading her as thoughts of Lincoln filled her head, his smile, the way he'd wrap his arm around her neck and pull her close,miss the top of her head. She wanted to have him whole and healthy in her head, but the sickness crept in, the way he got thinner, the awful bruises, him clutching at his nose as it bled and didn't stop bleeding, and worse, it was always possible for things to get worse. She pressed a hand to her forehead and tried to breathe but it was hard. 

Lexa jumped when the woman next to her put a hand on her arm. She moved her hand that was attempting to hide her tears and pushed her earphones off, worried that she'd committed some social foe pas without even knowing.

'I know you're not ok,' the woman said in a soft voice as she handed her a tissue, which Lexa pressed to her eyes. 'And I'm not going to tell you everything is going to be ok,' the woman's voice was kind. She was a small woman, her dark skin creased with the passing of time, her hair greyed. 

'My brother died,' she whispered and the woman's brow furrowed in sympathy, 'he died and I miss him.'

'Of course you do,' the woman reached over and took her hand. 

'I can't stop crying,' Lexa whispered. 

'Some things feel so bad that we need to cry and then cry some more. One day you'll cry less.'

'No,' she shook her head. 

'That's the funny thing about losing someone - we think we'll never get over it, that we'll never get better, and in many ways we're right. But somehow we reach a point where their loss doesn't dominate our every thought.' Lexa closed her eyes, her hand tightening on the woman's, and for just a second she had a picture of Clarke in her head, bent over a sketchpad, her blond hair falling on the page, brow pursed in concentration. 

'When?'

'Bit by bit,' the woman said and they resumed sitting in silence. 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXO**

**Clarke** \- How's the train ride home?

 **Clarke** \- Long and boring?

 **Clarke** \- Did everything go ok?

 **Clarke** \- Are you getting my texts?

 **Clarke** \- Lexa, I'm worried about you. 

**Clarke** \- Lexa please answer me, please

 **Lexa** \- "on the road I dream of home"

 **Clarke** \- fuck. Lexa let me come see you

 **Clarke** \- I get that you're sad, but you don't need to be alone

 **Lexa** \- "and when at home I dream of action"

 **Clarke** \- ok. I hear you I do. But I want to be there with you. I don't care if you cry. 

**Clarke** \- that's not true. I care very much that you cry. I wish I could take all the sadness from you, I wish it were an enemy I could actually battle. But I can't and it isn't, so I just wish you'd let me be there for you. 

**Clarke** \- I'm not just saying that either

 **Clarke** \- And remember that I've been there too. I've felt like I'm drowning. I've drowned under it, this crushing weight of something that is no longer there. Crushing under the weight of absence

 **Clarke** \- I really would like to see you tonight. Raven is staying at Octavia's and my parents are staying over with my grandparents - I said I had a cold

 **Clarke** \- I don't. I just wanted to see you. 

**Lexa** \- blue

 **Clarke** \- Really? Thank you Lexa

 **Clarke** \- what time does your train get in? I'll pick you up?

 **Lexa** \- 10.35

 **Clarke** \- I'll be there

 **Lexa** \- thank you

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

'Is Boston home?' the woman asked as they pulled into the station and she released her hand to gather her bags. She'd held her hand on and off the entire journey as Lexa barely managed to hold it together. They hadn't really talked, but they hadn't really had to. 

'I don't really have a home,' she managed in a small voice. 

'Where did you live with your brother?'

'DC.'

'Just you and him?'

'Since I was ten,' she nodded. 'He looked after me. I never had a dad and my mom...I wish I'd never had her, but my brother was born nice...born peaceful, born to look after others.'

'How did he die?'

'Cancer,' she managed to say the word without fresh tears falling. 

'Who are you living with here?'

'My uncle. I don't know him.'

'Is he a good man?' the woman's brow was furrowed as they made their way down the central aisle of the train. 

'He's not a bad man,' Lexa shrugged. 

'That's a better accolade than you might think. Is he picking you up? It's late. I could give you a ride if you need one?'

'He's away. My...my....' she hesitated because this woman had given her comfort, had cared, and she knew...knew that being gay, it might be a problem to this woman who seemed to have a good heart, that in some peoples psyches her lesbianism was reason enough to want her to suffer. But then who was she if she couldn't be true to herself? 'There's this girl...'

'Your girlfriend?' the woman shot her a knowing look and Lexa realized that the comfort she'd been relying on wasn't going to be ripped away just because she liked girls. 

'I hope...I don't know. We kiss...and we're going on a date...but?' she gave a small shrug. 

'Well maybe she can make Boston feel like home?' the woman offered and Lexa nodded as she stepped off the train and walked with the woman through the station, eyes scanning for blond hair. She was beginning to panic when she spotted her, black beanie hat pulled over her fair hair as she bobbed up and down on her toes, anxiously scanning everyone, phone gripped in her hands. Lexa smiled, probably the first smile since she'd last been with Clarke and the woman beside her chuckled. 'Pretty girl.'

'She's so nice,' Lexa rushed out without meaning to. 

'Looking for you too,' the woman nudged her. 'You'll be alright Lexa. It's gonna take some time, but in the end you'll be alright.'

'Thank you,' she squeezed the woman's arm but her eyes were fixed on Clarke, so she was watching when the girl finally spotted her and she saw how much she lit up, before she jogged over to them and without hesitation threw her arms around her. The woman, who's name she didn't even know, chuckled and slipped away, disappearing into the people in the station. 

'I missed you Lexa,' Clarke's breath was warm against her neck, and she pressed a long kiss there. Lexa felt a thrill go through her, both at Clarke's bravado, at her lack of fear, her willingness to just take what she wanted, and another, less pleasant thrill of fear, because Lexa had seen the less pleasant side of how people treated homosexuality, and anything like it. She stiffened slightly but then melted because Clarke's mouth was warm, her arms strong and it was dizzying to realize that this girl liked her enough to stand in a crowded station and hold her this way. 

'I missed you too,' she managed and felt Clarke smile in response, as she kept her face pressed where it was, hands feeding inside Lexa's warm coat, a coat that actually belonged to her. The hands slid around her back and held her closer. 

'You don't have to talk, don't have to smile, you don't have to do or be anything Lexa. I just want you with me tonight, ok?'

'Ok,' she whispered and Clarke stepped away, trailing a hand down her arm and grasping her hand. Lexa looked to where her fingerless cloved fingers were netted together with Clarke's bare hand and felt a swell of tears overwhelm her. 

'Cry, I don't mind,' Clarke said softly as she tugged her through the station. 

'Everyone always says "don't cry,"' she admitted and Clarke shrugged,

'That's because sadness makes people awkward. They don't know what to do with pain that isn't theirs and so they try to quieten it. I think...' she hesitated as she beeped open her moms car, 'I think when they say "don't cry" what they really are saying is, "I wish you had no reason to cry, that I could take that pain away." I just think that sometimes you have to cry because the pain is so big it kinda needs to leak out or we'll burst.'

'That's how I feel,' she watched Clarke open the passenger door and sit her into the seat of the still warm car, before she tugged the seat belt and clicked her in as if she were a child. Slamming the door, Clarke moved around the car and got in herself. She buckled up and put the keys in the ignition before hesitating and reaching across and squeezing her hand. 

'Sometimes _nothing_ makes any sense,' she said brow pursed under the weight of her thoughts, 'nothing, not school, home, parents, just the reason for being here, but it's all ok because _someone_ does make sense. This world baffles me Lexa, it throws me around like a stuffed toy in a tumble drier and yet you, you make sense. That's why I cling onto you.'

'Me?' her tears dried and she stared at Clarke. 

'Since Finn died, since I killed him, there's been nothing but noise. It's been hard to distinguish the sounds, to hear what the world has to say, and so I've drawn, I never seem to stop drawing. All the time. Drawing you, focussing on you, somehow I found I could hear again. Hear you. That sounds dumb, I know. But I feel like you make sense.'

'My heads such a mess,' she admitted and Clarke smiled, starting the engine,

'I know.'

'I just want to get better Clarke.'

'I know,' she pulled out of the spot and reached for her hand. 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

Lexa was apprehensive about school, there was no other word for it. Clarke had looked after her Saturday night. They'd spent it mostly in silence, Clarke bent over her sketchpad as Lexa watched Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt on her iPad. Clarke suggested she watch comedy, and she listened to the girl. Clarke had sketched and she'd watched the show, looking up at her sketching every now and then only to find blue eyes watching her. Clarke would smile, not a smile of sympathy or pity, but a special sort of smile that made Lexa's insides flip in a really good way. At around midnight she'd put the sketchpad down, taken the iPad from her hands and pulled Lexa into her chest to sleep. 

The morning had been a rush. She'd overslept, grief was exhausting, and had to run to manage her shift at the diner, Clarke dropping her off still wearing her pyjama's under a thick coat. She'd been about to scramble out of her car when Clarke had grabbed her hand, tugged her back and claimed her mouth in a heated kiss, tongue pushing into her mouth despite the sweetness of the kiss. She'd promised to pick her up after work, take her back to her place for dinner and when Lexa had left the diner at 6 feeling utterly exhausted Clarke had actually been waiting outside. 

Clarke had been waiting outside. Waiting for her. She'd leant across and opened the passenger door and urged her in. She'd been warm, affectionate, held her hand as they drove back to hers, held her leg under the table as they ate dinner with her dad and Raven, and then snuggled with her in the den. Jake had assumed she'd go home, asked Clarke to drop her off, and even though Clarke had told her she wished she could stay, she'd done as requested by her father. She flushed when she remembered the heated kisses, the way Clarke had unbuckled her seat belt and straddled her lap, kissed her with a tongue slick with sin. Clarke kissed like the kiss was everything, her tongue insistent, her lips eager, and fuck but it was good. They'd parted when her phone beeped her curfew alarm, but Clarke had then kissed her again, then again, before finally letting her go. What a joke that sentence was - letting her go. Lexa would be pinned by Clarke to the car seat for the rest of her life if she had a say. 

But school - school made Lexa nervous. School was where people changed, where someone who seemed to adore you in private became aware of what that truly meant. Lexa had low expectations for school. At most she hoped for a continuation of her friendship with Clarke as it had been, though she'd allow Clarke to initiate that. At worst she expected Clarke to pull back, to ensure that people didn't guess, or make comments if they became suspicious. She might have heated intimacies on her lips, and in her ear she might have the sweet gasping whimper Clarke made when she came, she might even have the heat and moisture on her thigh from when Clarke rubbed against her, but she had no sense of security, no hope that Clarke would, or even could, show her more than friendly affection in school because she also had the stain of life on her soul. 

She arrived at school early, not self-conscious, she never had felt self-conscious walking these halls, that would mean she cared what these people thought of her, and she didn't. She hoped that their disinterest would be so wild she'd make it through senior year without incident. The only time she'd felt anything walking the halls of Arcadia was with Clarke. When Clarke fell on her, when Clarke laughed with her outside her locker, when Clarke walked with her between classes - Clarke, Clarke, Clarke. 

She was reorganizing her locker when a soft body pressed against her from behind, when a soft kiss was pressed to her neck. The spontaneous smile that wrote itself across her face at odds with her desire to remain invisible, to have no one discover who she was because the thought of the comments from both students and teachers, the thought of the unnecessary hatred and violence, and yet that desire was overwhelmed by Clarke, even though memories of her past experiences were at times overwhelming. She shut her locker and turned, her heart rate speeding up and a delightful clench of her stomach at the sight of Clarke, beanie hat in place, along with a thick coat, scarf and mittens. 

'Lexa,' she gave one of her smiles, all sultry and affectionate. 

'Clarke,' she whispered her name, reverence in her tone. 

'Is this ok?' Clarke slid a hand to her waist and squeezed. 

'Uh....' her eyes fluttered shut, Clarke's hand radiating heat through her despite the mittens and layers of clothing. 'Hmmm.'

'I really want to kiss you good morning Lexa,' Clarke swayed closer and Lexa's eyes opened, dropping to pink lips, shiny with lip gloss or lipstick, pretty, the bottom plumper than the top, but beautiful and appealing, and fuck, but she knew how they felt and her body flip flopped at the memory of the heated kisses shared in the front passenger seat of Clarke's car the previous night, of Clarke coming as she rocked against her. 'Ok then,' Clarke let out a throaty giggle and then those lips were pressed against hers, the girls body tight against hers and they were kissing, a beautiful, sweet, kiss with just a hint of dirty intention around the edges.

'Hmmm,' she hummed softly when Clarke pulled back. 

'Open your eyes babe,' Clarke teased and she did, looking at blue eyes with blown pupils. 

'Hi,' she found her hand cupping Clarke's chin, a thumb brushing her smooth cheek,

'Hi,' Clarke's smiled grew. 'Let me sort my locker stuff out, then we can walk to chem together.'

'Yeah ok,' she dropped her hand and watched Clarke stuff her coat and gloves in the locker, though the adorable beanie remained atop her blond waves. She shovelled books around, before slamming her locker and turning back to Lexa. For a few seconds they stared at one another, and then Clarke's warm hand was slipping into hers and Lexa felt like her heart might burst. 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

No one seemed to notice. After chem they'd said goodbye, Clarke going one way and her the other. But no one seemed to notice the kiss. Or maybe they noticed but didn't care? Lexa didn't know. Despite it all her heart pounded with nerves throughout the morning, and every time she heard a raised male voice she flinched. And all those people who'd been oblivious, they had to notice after lunch.

'Lexa,' Clarke announced brightly, finding her at a lunch table. She slipped in beside her and leaned in for a kiss. Whatever apprehension Lexa felt always seemed to disappear when Clarke wanted a kiss. Clarke wanted her and that feeling trumped all others. They kissed softly, and when Lexa was about to pull back Clarke deepened it, her tongue tangling with hers in such a way that she had to bite back a moan. At last she pulled back and Lexa knew everyone had seen because the normally noisy lunchroom was quiet and when she looked over Clarke's shoulder everyone was staring. 

'Ooh, you got fries,' Clarke grinned, her voice carrying in the silent lunch room, as everyone stared. 

'Help yourself,' Lexa whispered. 

'Hmm, you're the best,' she curled an arm around her neck and pressed a wet kiss to her cheek. 

' _Fuck,_ ' the curse escaped because the rapid pounding of her heart caused by the explosion of noise across the lunchroom needed release. Everyone was talking. About them. About her. They knew now. She was out. 

'It's ok Lexa,' Clarke's hand took hers, her thumb brushing soothing circles across the back. 

'Don't fret it Lexa,' Raven sat down opposite them, Octavia not far behind. 'Though everyone _is_ talking about the two of you,' she laughed. 

Lexa swallowed, waiting, expectant, prepared. But nothing happened. Octavia congratulated her on snagging the "princess" and Clarke had just smiled shyly and said Octavia should be congratulating her not Lexa, and telling her friends to slow down because they were going on a date that night and to not jump the gun. It was all surreal and Lexa's head felt so loud she could barely hear.

'It's ok Lexa,' Octavia seemed to sense her unease. She didn't even know Octavia. 'Nobody cares.'

'Someone _always_ cares,' she whispered and Clarke squeezed her hand.

'Not here. They don't,' she reassured and Lexa swallowed around the lump in her throat. Lincoln had told her she shouldn't hide who she is, that homophobia would be forced to bow down for love in the end. She looked at Clarke who was staring at her with worry. 'I'm sorry,' she looked devastated and Lexa frowned,

'What? Why?' Her brow pursed. 

'You asked me not to tell anyone and then I kissed you in the lunchroom, effectively telling _everyone_. I didn't think. You just look so cute and wonderful and knowing I can kiss you...I just did it without thinking...I'm sorry.' 

'It's ok,' she felt the need to reassure Clarke overwhelm her sense of panic, and she cupped her chin and then they were sat, foreheads resting together. 

'Really?'

'Really. I'm gay. Really _fucking_ gay. Why wouldn't I want to kiss the sexiest, cleverest, sweetest girl in the whole school? In the world?'

'You're so fucking dating,' Raven sassed from across the table, but all Lexa cared about was Clarke's lips pressing against hers, the smiles on their faces making the kiss silly and sweet. She knew people were staring, another hush had fallen over the lunch room, though less obvious than the first, but she didn't care. She didn't. Why should she care about people's issue with _who_ she loved, when she only had one person in the entire world _to_ love? 

'Gross, gross, gross,' Octavia laughed, but it was a positive tease. Lexa blushed and resumed eating her fries.

'Gonna have to hang out with us now, you know?' Raven told her pointedly. 'You can't date the princess and not hang out.'

'I do hang out,' she defended, her cheeks still burning. 

'Sure,' Octavia rolled her eyes. 'So where's the date tonight?'

'Movie and ice cream,' Clarke had her head on her shoulder, and was still eating her fries. 

'Cute,' Raven reached across and stole some of her fries, or aimed to, but Clarke slapped her hand away. 

'They're Lexa's.'

'You're eating them,' Raven pointed out with a light hearted glare.

'Well I'm Lexa's too, so it's all fair, right?' she shifted even closer if that were possible, and Lexa thought she might pass out from the rapid hammering of her heart. She eyed up the lunchroom, looking for the threat because she was sure there was one. And yet all she saw were people eating their lunch, a few of them staring in their direction. 

'Lexa,' Clarke shook her.

'What?' she looked back at the girl by her side. 

'I was saying your name for ages there,' Clarke said softly. 'You ok?'

'I just don't think you...get it...' she blinked, aware that the rapid flutter of her eyelashes made it seem like she might cry. She wasn't going to but there was a burn, because this time when it all fell apart, this time she wouldn't have Lincoln. 

'Don't get what?' Clarke frowned. 

'Someone is going to have a problem with this. Someone in this school is going to let us know they have a problem with this. I'll be ok. But you....'

'Lexa look at me,' Clarke pushed a hand into her hair, her cool fingers curling around the back of her neck and rubbing into her hair softly. She met Clarke's steady eyes. 'I refuse to be told who I can and can't like, and I refuse to be swayed by idiots that can't accept that love and affection is between the people involved in it and that really who I'm with and what I do with them, so long as it's consensual - it's none of their business. Who I want to be with has no impact on them. If they don't like it they should just ignore it.'

'But people don't just ignore it.'

'So what! They can call be dyke, they can tag pictures of me and them no homo if they're that pathetic and ridiculous. They can stare at us in the halls, and shout out passive aggressive shit for brains comments. They can even hit me and kick me, but I will have you, and I am who I am. Can't change that.'

'Thinking we'll be ok with those things and being ok with them...it's not the same thing Clarke,' she whispered. 'Waiting for attack is stressful, living under threat is torture. It unravels you.'

'And there might be no attack. People are pretty enlightened at this school.'

'I hope you're right,' she squeezed Clarke's knee. 

'Will you be ok? Can you deal with it? I know...I know you didn't want it again...'

'I hate this,' Lexa admitted, 'that we haven't been on a date and we're discussing whether we can deal with other people's reactions to us. Fuck.'

'I'm sorry,' Clarke bowed her head but Lexa couldn't have that and tilted it up with a finger under her chin,

'Don't be sorry. We've held hands and kissed because we like each other. I think it would feel worse to hide who we are.'

'Me too,' Clarke nodded. 'And whatever we go through...if anything, we're doing it together, right?'

'Right,' she smiled at that. 

'Will you come to my soccer practice after school?'

'Of course. But then I'll need to go home and get ready for the big date I have tonight,' she smiled at the way Clarke's face lit up. 

'Hmm, yeah.'

'And Clarke I'm glad we're not hiding. It makes me happy to be with you. Don't take my apprehension as a sign that I don't want to kiss you and hold your hand whenever possible, ok?'

'Yeah, ok,' Clarke smiled and pressed her lips to Lexa's. 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXO**

Lexa watched Clarke's practice while doing her homework on her knee. The stadium was mostly empty because of the freezing weather, but she didn't care. She,d brave the cold to watch Clarke being fierce on the soccer field. She also still had the girls super warm winter coat and was positively cozy compared to when she'd been wearing just her old leather jacket. Clarke had insisted she keep it. Clarke. Her name made Lexa happy. Her smile. Her voice. Her words. Her body. It was intoxicating to feel joy while she wallowed in sadness. Her feelings ricocheted about, and sometimes she felt simultaneous happiness and grief and then wasn't quite sure how to be. 

From up in the bleachers she watched Clarke face off with some girl on her team, Mel. It was nothing unusual - Clarke got feisty even when it was just a practice, but then Coach Kane sent Mel away to the locker room and Lexa frowned because that was unusual - normally Clarke was told to cool off for a minute or two. She wanted to rush down and check all was ok, especially when Clarke caught her eyes, but she didn't because the girl blew her a kiss and and a smile before she launched back into practice with renewed vigour. 

'Hey,' Clarke was panting in front of her, her face sweaty, pony tail a mess, but smiling. She'd been so focussed on her math homework she hadn't realized practice had ended. 'Kiss?' Clarke waggled her eyebrows and pursed her lips. 

'Sure,' she parried back and Clarke laughed,

'I'm not gonna kiss you cos I'm sweaty and gross. I'm gonna shower and then give you a ride home, and I'll kiss you in the car. _A lot_.'

'Hmmm,' she hummed her approval, eyes roving eagerly over sweaty Clarke - the sweat was actually kind of a turn on. Then she remembered Mel. 'What happened with Mel?'

'She said she didn't want to mark me in case my "hand slipped,"' Clarke rolled her eyes. 

' _What_?' her eyes widened.

'I know - dumb right? Why would I want to touch her when I have you? Oh and no consent,' she gave a shrug. Lexa loved that Clarke was big on consent, but then again her experience with Finn had probably brought it to the forefront and also consent just was a big deal.

'So what happened?'

'I laughed in her face and told her I already get to let my hands slip with the hottest girl in school and she could rest assured it wouldn't happen with her, so she called me a dyke. Kane heard and sent her to the lockers. She'll probably be banned from the next couple of games.'

'Fuck,' Lexa felt like she'd been hollowed out inside, because it was happening _already_. 

'It's ok Lexa. I'm ok. No one else was bothered, Monroe told her to shut it, Kane took immediate action. Like you say, there's going to be something.'

'Ok. You're sure you're ok?' she asked, holding out her hand to Clarke, watching as she took it and locked their fingers together,

'I'm ok.'

'Ok.'

'See you in ten,' Clarke smiled and released her hand, skipping down the stairs of the bleachers. 

Lexa began to pack up her things, shoving her pen and books away before zipping up her bag. She jumped when she felt the seat beside her shift. She looked up, half expecting Clarke, but it was Bellamy. Her heart began to pound with nerves and anticipation. She wasn't scared exactly, not yet, but her body responded to the nearness of threat. 

'Hi,' he said, staring ahead at the field.

'Hi.'

'You watched Clarke's practice?' 

'Yeah,' she lifted her head, refused to show fear, refused to be intimidated. 

'So I guess it's safe to assume you're not interested in my buddy Atom?' he asked, his brown eyes turning to stare at her. She kept hers looking straight ahead at the now empty field.

'No, not in any way.'

'More interested in my ex girlfriend?' his tone was unreadable.

'Yes,' there was zero point lying.

'From the way people describe what happened in the cafeteria it seems she's pretty interested in you?' he released a low chuckle. 

'So it seems,' she agreed and they sat in silence, Lexa waiting. She could feel her anxiety deepen, swell to fill up every part of her. This moment was where it would all change and she knew it. If Clarke was the princess of Arcadia, Bellamy was the king and his disgust, his disapproval - it would sway others. The prolonged silence was causing her stress to pulsate and grow, and she felt primed, ready to snap, her body beginning to shake. She could see how it would all expand beyond manageable, how it would change Clarke from the sweetest person in the world, to someone wondering whether it was ok to be herself. And Clarke had been through enough, what with Finn. She began to hate Bellamy, hate him for the power he held to make their lives miserable and for his apparent desire to use it. She began to hate him for the silence that was unravelling her when he cleared his throat,

'Murphy might talk shit at you but he won't mean it - the kid is literally all talk. Kane is gonna be your ally on the staff and you'll need to watch out for Pike, he's a jerk and he's said inappropriate crap before - just report him if he does, there's gotta be something on his record already. I saw Mel after her fight with Clarke - her parents might kick up a fuss, but nothing Abby and Jake can't handle. There aren't many kids out at Arcadia, but my buddy Miller is gay, and so's Monty - people just don't know. And Monroe...you know Zoe on the soccer team? So even if it feels like it - you're not alone. And I've got your back. People talk shit, say stuff, I'll sort it. I mean I'm pretty sure you can handle yourself, but you know...I'll back you up.'

'What?' Lexa stared at him, never more unprepared for something in her life than she was for Bellamy's reaction.

'She's happy with you. Any fool can see that. I love her, sure...we've been friends so long how could I not? And she's special - you told me that so I know you know. But no one can will someone to be with them when they want someone else, right? She wants you. You want her. I'm not going to mess with that.'

'I...I...just...' she trailed off. 

'Expected me to be an ass? Nope,' he smiled at her and she smiled back tentatively. 

'Thanks.'

'Don't thank me for not being a jerk Lexa. I had a feeling you might be worried about my reaction and I wanted to come and clear up what my reaction is. I'm the one that should thank you for making her smile again - sincerely and not because she feels like she should. So don't thank me. Just keep doing what you're doing and maybe...I don't know, let's hang out or something?'

'Yeah ok,' she nodded, and then saw Clarke climbing the bleachers to join them, her expression guarded. 

'Hey,' she greeted when she reached where they were sat. 

'Just telling your girlfriend that we aught to hang out some time. Maybe on the weekend we could go bowling?'

'Sure. Thanks Bell,' Clarke nodded as he got up and with a quick wave at them both, jogged to the exit. 'What did he say?'

'That's he's gonna back us up if we get shit from people. That Mr. Pike is an ass. Murphy acts like an ass but isn't one. That Monroe, Monty and Miller are all gay but not out. That I make you happy,' she looked at Clarke who was flushing,

'You do,' she agreed and smiled, resting her head on her shoulder. 

'He called you my girlfriend?' she threaded their fingers together. 

'I'd like that,' Clarke squeezed. 

'Me too.'

'Come on then girlfriend of mine. We have a date to prepare for!'

**XOXOXOOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXO**

'How's your berry burst?' Clarke asked. 

'Hmmm...good. How's your chocolate fudge brownie?' she smiled.

'Delicious.'

'I love how we go for ice cream when it's freezing,' she grinned. 

'Hmmm, me too. The store is so quiet in the winter.'

'Wanna try mine?' She held out a spoonful and watched Clarke's lips wrap around the spoon. It was hot. Clarke was so effortlessly sexy. 

'Here,' Clarke held out a spoonful and she ate it, hoping she looked just as good as her girlfriend had. 

'Not bad for chocolate,' she conceded. 

'I can't believe you don't love chocolate. It's a good mood food.'

'Haha, yeah maybe, but I prefer the fruity stuff.'

'So I wanted to ask you about the comic convention I've got tickets for...'

'Yeah?' Lexa remembered Abby suggesting Clarke take her, and how embarrassed her girlfriend had got. Her girlfriend. She smiled. 

'It's in a couple of weeks and I was hoping you'd come with me?'

'I'd love to, you know that. But I kinda got the impression you were embarrassed when your mom suggested that...'

'Well, that was then. I wanted to ask you but didn't want to be too keen. Now I don't care about being keen. I am keen. You're my girlfriend so I think being keen is important, right?'

'Right!' she laughed. 

'But,' Clarke gave her a look,

'But?'

'We're going to be dressing up. And Raven will probably come too. But I really can't take you if you won't dress up!'

'What are we going to be dressing up as?' Lexa couldn't help the giggle that escaped her. 

'Well that's up for debate,' Clarke stated. 'And maybe...as it's a couple of weeks away...you could come back and stay at mine tonight - you know so we can discuss it?' the look in her blue eyes was coquettish and sexy as hell.

'What about your parents? It's a school night.'

'Dad's away for work and mom is working. So no problem. What about your uncle?'

'I'll text him,' Lexa offered, pulling out her phone and shooting off a text citing a project as the reason. 

'Lexa?' Clarke leaned across the table. 'Can I talk to you about anything?'

Lexa hesitated as she scrolled through the darker thoughts she'd had since the loss of her brother, but then looked at Clarke's open face and nodded, 'Yeah. What do you want to talk about?'

'With you, everything!' she gave her a smile. 

'And right now?' Lexa asked knowingly.

'Sex.'

'Sure we can talk about sex, but do you really want to talk about it in public?'

Clarke looked around them at the empty store and the girl popping her gum behind the counter and giggled, 'I think we're safer from prying ears here than we are anywhere else!'

'Yeah, fair point. Fire away.'

'You said you had sex with Costia...'

'Yeah,' she nodded.

'Well, it took a while for me and Bell to sleep together, I mean, we were young right? I wanted to wait and make sure I was ready. Turns out I love sex,' she hesitated, scooping in a mouthful of chocolate ice cream and chewing slowly. 'I mean I don't want to rush things...but the things is,' she frowned a little.

'What?'

'I don't want to sounds stupid, cos all my knowledge of lesbian sex is off the internet.'

'You won't sound stupid,' Lexa reassured, stomach jittery with nerves. 

'Well Bell and I used to make out. You know, dry humping, kissing, he'd touch my boobs and after a while he'd finger me...'

'Right,' she hated the idea of Clarke with someone else, but Clarke wasn't shy about stuff and that was good. 

'So fingering wasn't sex with him. But it would be with you?' her brow scrunched up. 

'Yeah,' Lexa smiled. 'It is definitely sex with a girl. The thing about lesbian sex, is pretty much _everything_ is sex. Every time you get each other off it's sex. Well, that's my opinion, you know, from my lengthy experience of being a lesbian which amounts to one previous girlfriend and the Internet,' she gave a sheepish little shrug and Clarke giggled. 

'So going by that, you and I have had sex?' Clarke tilted her head to one side and Lexa felt a flush rise to her cheeks,

'Well, yeah, I guess. But I mean if that makes you uncomfortable we can just say we...you know...didn't. I mean our clothes were on so maybe it was just really, really excellent making out.'

'Hmm,' she smiled. 'Ok, but if we consider it sex it really takes off all the pressure, right? I mean we can just go with the flow?'

'Yeah of course. I mean there's no rush. We can just, you know, try things when you're ready.'

'And when and if you're ready, too,' Clarke gave her a smile.

'Exactly,' Lexa took her hand. 

'So, time to be honest here Lexa. Are you good at fingering a girl?' Clarke stared at her, her voice deeper, the timbre of it hitting Lexa between the legs. 

'Well, yeah,' she felt so fucking hot, especially considering it was winter and she was eating ice cream.

'Bell wasn't so good. I mean it felt nice, but I guess we can say it wasn't sex because I never came?'

'Maybe it was just _bad_ sex?' she suggested and Clarke laughed. 

'Maybe,' she nodded, then looked at Lexa's phone, 'Has your uncle text back?'

Lexa looked at her phone and nodded, face falling with disappointment, 'yeah, but he says I should come home. It's a week night,' she sighed, loving Clarke's expression of annoyance. She thought about staying at Clarke's and her stomach clenched at all the potential staying over now had, and swallowed her irritation at her uncles denial. It wasn't that she was expecting anything to happen, but God, the thought of pushing her hand into Clarke's underwear, into her? She nearly moaned out loud. 

'You ok?' Clarke asked, oh so innocently but with just a hint of amusement.

'Just thinking,' she took Clarke's hand once they'd pulled their coats back on. 

'About?'

'My fingers inside you.'

'Mmm,' Clarke moaned and turned to kiss her. 'This weekend we're having a sleepover,' she kissed her again before dragging her from the ice cream place. 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXO**


	6. I don't want to fix you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anya calls Lexa, who then gets stressed with Clarke and tells Abby to stop bothering trying to fix her. The rest of the chapter is Clarke and Lexa on Clarke's bed together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I didn't go camping because it rained and thundered, and so I spent last night writing this instead:)
> 
> You guys are amazing with the comments - love them and all of you for supporting this fic so much. Thanks:-x

**Chapter Six**

Lexa stared at her ringing phone, frowning at the unknown number. She almost didn't answer because she was heading to Clarke's for their "sleepover" and after an extremely long shower, and even longer debate over what nightwear to take, it was possible she going to receive a text from Clarke at any moment to say she was outside. And now that she was finally ready, Clarke's thick winter coat on, and her bag slung on her shoulder, of course her phone would start ringing with the stressful unknown number. It wasn't in her nature to ignore calls so she accepted it and put it to her ear,

'Hello?'

'Hey, it's Anya.'

'Hi,' her eyes narrowed because she and Anya had never spoken on the phone, had barely spoken ever. Her stomach turned over with an unpleasant anxious feeling.

'Sooo,' she drawled the word, 'my dad says you have a boyfriend...' she sounded amused. 

'I do _not_ have a boyfriend.'

'No, but lucky your girlfriend has one of those names that can go for either,' Anya chuckled in amusement. 'You’re hooking up with Arcadia's princess - I'm impressed little cuz.'

'She's my girlfriend like you said - so it's not "hooking up,"' Lexa stated with a scowl into the phone. She wanted to hang up, but needed to ask her cousin something first. 'So, why is it lucky Uncle Gus thinks she's a boy?'

'My dad's a sweet guy, not exactly big on words but sweet. Thing is, he's kinda traditional. Easier for you if he thinks it's a guy - well that's my guess.'

'Good to know,' Lexa released a weary sigh, wondering why a persons sexual identity had to be such a big deal for people it had no real impact on, why it was a big deal for anyone, except the person themself. For almost a minute neither said anything and Lexa was wondering whether she could just hang up, but then Anya spoke, filling the awkward silence, 

'So how are you?' 

'I'm good,' she lied. The life she lived was a distorted version of a ying yang sign. There was the swirl of bad, where her grief resided, the one spot of good in it being that she'd had her brother at all, and then there was the swirl of good in the form of blond hair, sky blue eyes, and the confident, caring girl they belonged to. There were others in that swirl of good, Raven, Octavia, and rather surprisingly Bellamy and most of his friends. The dark spot in the swirl of good was the small amount of negativity they'd received in the prior week - a few caustic looks, a couple of murmured slurs, Mel's parents request that Clarke be asked not to play soccer, Mr. Pike and his public pointed comments. All that negativity that was so entirely unwarranted. She sighed, because she was wrong, always _so_ wrong. 

Her life wasn't anything like a ying yang because all she really had that was good and hers was Clarke. In seven months she wouldn't have a home, wouldn't have school and wouldn't have family and Clarke would leave, because she was wonderful, smart and talented and her parents would ensure she had every opportunity to shine. Lexa knew that in seven months she would have nothing. Clarke shined brighter than the sun and would do so with or without her parents. She did not shine. She was a dull forgotten penny, dusty and worthless. Except she didn't feel worthless when Clarke was sat on her and kissing her because to not kiss her was an untenable option. She didn't feel worthless when Clarke sat bent over her sketch pad, trying again and again to draw her in a way she deemed good enough, claiming Lexa was just too beautiful to capture on paper. Looking at herself through Clarke's eyes she didn't feel worthless, but what could she hope to achieve in life? How could she ever be an enough for a girl like that? How could she, a shell, ever be enough for anyone?

'Bullshit,' Anya's voice broke through her minds rambling thoughts. 'I don't believe you're ok.' She sighed again,

'What do you want me to say?'

'The truth,' Anya's eye rolling was audible in her tone. 

'I don't _know_ you,' she reminded her cousin. 

'But I'm family,' Anya told her casually. 

'My brother was my family,' she snapped. 

'Your brother is dead.'

'Shut the fuck up,' Lexa half yelled, feeling the harsh burn of tears and a cloying tightness in her throat.

'I'm sorry he's dead, but having no one talk about it, talk about him, ask you...doesn't that erase him?'

'Clarke talks to me about him,' she whispered, hollowed out by the still fresh grief. 

'Good,' Anya sounded pleased.

'Why do you care? Your dad doesn't. Everyone else acts like he never existed. Like mentioning his name will cause me to cry or the world to fall apart.'

'I don't care exactly,' Anya answered, apparently being honest. 'I just...I guess I feel like I should.'

'Well don't worry. Seven months and I'll be gone from your life,' Lexa tried to ignore the hurt her cousins words caused. 

'Fuck, that came out wrong. You're my cousin and you're right that we don't know each other, but all I'm trying to say is maybe we can get to know each other?' It was a fair suggestion. Lexa didn't hate what she'd seen of Anya - her cousin was brash and intimidating but she was intuitive too. 'So if you wanna text me about your girlfriend, or you know, moan about my dad...this is my number, ok?'

'Yeah, ok. Thanks,' she couldn't deny there was something about this offer of Anya's that appealed. 'I've got to go.'

'Friday night, where are you off to? Some wild party?'

'I'm going to Clarke's,' she admitted. 

'Whoop - go and get some little cus,' she trilled down the phone and Lexa cringed at the crassness because it wasn't her - _ever_. She didn't like it because things with Clarke were new, and unexpected and precious to her because she had no one else, _literally_ no one else. 

'Please don't,' she spoke abruptly and Anya heard her loud and clear,

'Yeah, ok, sorry cus. I hope you have a nice time, yeah?'

'Thanks,' she wanted to end the call but instead headed downstairs. 

'Where's my dad think you're staying?'

'I said I was having a sleepover with Clarke and Raven. I think he just likes me out of the house, or is relieved I'm out with a boyfriend rather than crying in your old bedroom.'

'Probably. He's pretty chilled out - I pretty much had free reign with boyfriends.'

'I've gotta go,' she smiled at the sight of Clarke pulling up in her car, her heart picking up, as her world felt suddenly brighter.

'Speak soon. Text me ok?' Anya shouted as if expecting her to already be gone.

'Ok, bye,' she ended the call and shoved her phone into her back pack before opening the passenger door. 

'Lexa,' Clarke smiled happily, and leaned over to kiss her cheek. 'Who was on the phone?'

'My cousin.'

'Anya?'

'She's the only cousin I have,' she sounded churlish even to her own ears and she really didn't know why. She didn't want to start the evening behaving that way. She was just raw from her cousins brashness, from the tears she'd swallowed back inside, rather than shed. The world around her brightened when she was with Clarke, and yet she didn't always manage to. 

'I was just checking I remembered her name right,' Clarke said carefully and Lexa dug her nails into her palms, embarrassed at her surliness, at her inability to hold her emotions together. She wasn't surly at Clarke, she only ever felt a swelling positivity for Clarke, but she became so easily overwhelmed as she tried to hold her fragmented soul together. 

'I'm sorry.'

'Like grumpy Lexa scares me,' Clarke teased softly, reaching for her hand.

'She wants to be friends,' Lexa admitted and watched Clarke's concessionary nod, 

'You are her cousin.'

'I'm a stranger.'

'One she obviously cares about. You and I were strangers until I landed on top of you, right?' she shot Lexa an earnest look.

'True,' she nodded. 

'And you didn't come easy,' Clarke smirked at her double entendre and Lexa felt a flush rise to her cheeks.

'I think I was fairly easy,' she whispered. 

'What else did Anya want?'

'To talk about Lincoln.'

'Do you want to talk about him?'

'Lincoln is dead. What am I supposed to say?' she snapped again but then covered her face with her hands. 

'Who he was informs who you are Lexa. He helped raise you. He was your brother and your father and your friend. You can talk about him because you miss him, because you feel lonely, because you don't want to forget. You can talk about him because he is important even though he's gone.'

'You don't talk about Finn.'

'I only have his death to talk about. You have Lincoln's whole life. And I do talk to you,' Clarke reminded her, jaw tightening just slightly. An uncomfortable silence fell and Lexa hated herself, hated that she seemed to have ruined this night that she'd wanted so badly to be perfect. They sat in silence, and then walked into Clarke's house in silence. 

'Clarke,' Abby was rushing around grabbing her coat, bag and keys, face freshly made up, hair immaculate, clearly on her way to work. 'And Lexa,' she smiled at her. 'It's nice to see you!' Abby Griffin had mastered the act of delighted surprise at seeing Lexa, yet again, with her daughter. Lexa didn't think Abby was suspicious that their friendship was more, but was still unsure what her reaction would be. Abby had already started hunting up scholarships, and investigating what sort of letter social services could provide to explain her GPA. Lexa had been a "project" before. It hadn't ended well and she was torn about how to handle Abby's well meaning help. The woman didn't seem to get it - that some people just couldn't break through the barriers thrust upon them at birth.

'Hi Dr. Griffin,' Lexa smiled politely.

'What are your plans tonight?' Abby stopped whirl winding for a second to smile at them both where they were stood awkwardly in the entrance hall. 

'Pizza and a movie,' Clarke shrugged. 

' _No_ parties,' Abby gave her a pointed look. 

'It was a gathering mom,' the girl rolled her eyes, full of disdain. 

'So you say, but you didn't hide the booze bottles well enough to provide any back up to your claims!'

'Lexa said it was a gathering,' Clarke pointed out, as if this would add weight to her defence. 

'Well that's all you have going in your favour,' Abby pursed her lips and shot Lexa a smile. Lexa almost laughed out loud that _she_ was considered a reliable reference for anyone. She felt sorry for Abby - when the woman realized that there was more than just absences effecting her GPA. Of course, her intelligence was just about the only thing not responsible for her shitty GPA. 'I have some scholarships we need to look at, to see if you're eligible Lexa. Maybe you can come for Sunday dinner and we'll do it then? We might need a letter from the doctor who treated your brother.' Abby's world was so very different to hers. She felt like a fraud, this woman was searching up ways to help her, trusting her word over Clarke's - her wonderfully sincere daughter. 

'I'm not who you think I am,' the words escaped her without any real conscious thought and she instantly regretted them. Abby and Clarke turned to stare at her and even Raven hesitated on her way from the den to the kitchen. 

'What do you mean?' Abby frowned and Clarke was staring at her confused. Her skin grew hot and prickled as they all looked at her. Adrenalin flooded her system making her feel momentarily nauseous and yet the words kept spewing out,

'I'm not trustworthy, or reliable. I'm not some girl you can save. My brother died and when he got sick I got angry and I did bad things. Awful things,' her nails cut into her palms. 'I didn't care about anything but him. I didn't care in general. You can't save me. You can't give me a future you think I deserve. I don't deserve it and I won't get it. So please...don't look at me like that, like you trust Clarke, your amazing, honest daughter, because I back up what she said. I'm not trustworthy and my life can't be fixed. I can't be fixed,' she said and then finally she focussed on Abby, saw her expression, obviously shocked and taken aback. Saw Raven, jaw slightly open as her eyes flicked between her and Clarke. She didn't want to look at Clarke, but she had to. The girls head was bent, her face not visible and she knew she'd fucked up.

'I'll go,' she turned and left, hating herself more than usual and wondering why she had to open her mouth, why she had to get so overwhelmed. She burst out into the cold, snowy evening, and stopped holding back the tears, letting them fall down her cheeks. She began her walk home, hating herself. 

'Lexa,' Clarke's footsteps had been muffled by the snow and she jumped. 

'I'm sorry,' she swiped at her eyes, as she ground to a halt. 'I just get so...so...'

'Overwhelmed?'

'Yeah. But I fucked up. I shouldn't have said that, any of that, but she was looking at me like I can be fixed and I can't, I _can't_ be fixed,' her voice rose as she stared at this beautiful, whole and happy girl. And then she splintered down the middle because this girl, this wonderful amazing girl who knew just how to touch her and just what to say - she wasn't whole and she wasn't happy, or she hadn't been and there were glimpses of the pain still inside of her. Sometimes she'd catch Clarke with a far away look in her eyes, her face stricken, or with an awful dead stare Lexa recognized only too well, a she'd grip a pen or pencil so tight that her knuckles were white. Clarke got it, she understood her. They were two fractured souls that might possibly be reassembled to make one. 

Lexa couldn't say how they went from being a metre apart to standing there in one another's arms, gripping on as if they might never let go. 

'I don't want to fix you,' Clarke mumbled into her neck, 'I just want you to realize you aren't broken.'

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

'You said I wasn't broken?' Lexa spoke into the silent, moonlit room, where they had been lying tangled together on Clarke's bed for at least an hour.

'I don't think you are.'

'Then why am I like this?' her voice cracked, the words scratching her throat on their release.

'Because you're a girl who lost the only person in the world she was sure loved her. It would worry me if you weren't like this. And you cry, you become overwhelmed, you're quiet and withdrawn and that's understandable and right. But there are other parts of you too, parts I don't think you see but I do.'

'What parts?' Lexa rolled onto her side and starred at the perfect slope of Clarke's forehead, the silhouette of her nose and lips. 

'You have those ear phones of yours and when you have them on...sometimes you do this little head bop to the music, and it's the cutest fucking thing,' Clarke turned and smiled at her. 'And there are these moments...when I'm drawing you and you look up and catch my eyes and you smile, this soft, secretive smile - I don't think you even realize you're doing it. You care - about me. I know you do, because of how you talk to me about things, because you want to _know_ me. You take notes in class, you do your readings and your homework. You look pretty Lexa. That sounds dumb but I didn't wash...after Finn...for a while I couldn't and...you, you miss him. You miss Lincoln and you desperately don't want to forget and the pain...fuck I know the pain and it must hurt every time you breathe in and then again when you breathe out. But you are still you. And his death, this pain, all those moments where they become who you are - that's ok, because his death is a part of you, because he still is. Fuck I don't know if I make sense or...' Clarke's words were swallowed by Lexa's mouth, the kiss all that she could manage to let this girl know what it meant to her to be seen and to be understood. 

She couldn't have spoken any words, there wasn't really air in her lungs to do so, but she had to show Clarke and so she kissed her, a breathless kiss of misaligned lips and thudding hearts, before she dragged in a breath and kissed her again, rolling into her, hands in her hair, pouring it all into that kiss, into the touch of her tongue against Clarke's. She broke away, and pressed their foreheads together, not wanting to make the kiss about more than her feelings for Clarke, her utter adoration of Clarke. But the girl lying beside her was staring at her, eyes wide, bottom lip caught between her teeth, as her hand rested where it was curled around the back of her neck - seemed to want more and she rolled them over. Lexa's back hit the mattress and Clarke was hovering above her, fair hair shining silver in the moonlight, eyes fixed on her as they breathed. Then they were kissing, but this kiss was nothing like the last. This was hot, needy, desperate. Clarke was straddling her waist, and kissing her like she was the embodiment of all she'd ever wanted. She felt like she was Clarke's life goal at that moment and she moaned because the feeling was intoxicating. Heat flooded her body, flooded between her legs, and she lost control of her thoughts, as her hands sought out Clarke's body, sliding over curvy hips and grasping the hem of her tank and then pushing it up. Clarke raised her arms willingly, and Lexa pulled the tank from her body before letting her eyes take in the soft pale skin underneath, 

'Fuck,' she cursed, blinking hard as she tried to resist the urge to touch the skin revealed. They were big, soft looking and fucking perfect. Clarke let out a low chuckle and picking up her hand, placed it on her left breast. 'You're so...so...beautiful,' she whispered, brushing her thumb over the pebbled nipple, before squeezing it softly. Clarke's eyes scrunched up tight and she bit her lip again, the sexiest thing Lexa had seen on any girl. 

'Lexa,' Clarke moaned her name, and began to tug at the t-shirt she was still wearing, trying to tug it up her body. 'Fairs fair,' she rasped, and Lexa moaned at the sound of it, as she compliantly lifted her body to allow the removal of her carefully chosen night shirt. Clarke's fingers ghosted across each boob, eyes eagerly absorbing them with the same intensity she used to draw, finger tracing the outline of areole and her nipple, before she dipped her head and licked across the skin. 

'Clarke,' Lexa shook slightly, but the girl just smiled against her chest. 

'They looked so pretty,' she told her, before lying on her, allowing their bare chests to slide together. Lexa didn't think she'd ever forget that feeling, the softness, the cool silkiness of Clarke's beautiful chest, pressing intimately against hers. It was other worldly to her, transporting her away from the thoughts that seemed to crowd her, drown her, and into a space where she was some eighteen year old girl, lying on a bed with her beautiful, wonderful girlfriend. 

'You wanna talk about pretty?' she asked, rubbing her nose against Clarke's chin, before pressing her lips there. 'You have... _god_...you have the best boobs I have ever seen.'

'I do have good boobs,' Clarke grinned. 'But so do you.'

'So boobs? You like them? In general, I mean,' she cupped Clarke's in her hands, honestly captivated, thrilled that her long fingers meant only a little of the soft flesh over spilled when she held them. Lexa was certain that if she were allowed to sleep with her head against Clarke's chest she'd probably actually sleep, rather than lie in her bed pretending to.

'One of the first things that made me realize I was bi was how much I'm turned on by boobs,' Clarke smiled at her. 'And you - you've got great boobs.'

'It's funny...but there's cute words for them, there's medical words for them, there's crass words for them, and silly words but there isn't really a word that encapsulates quite how amazing and world righting a boob is,' she sighed and lowered her head to press small gentle kisses over Clarke's soul saving chest. 

'You mean sweater meat and headlights don't work for you?' The soft tease caused Lexa to look at her with faux disdain,

'No. Definitely not. Your amazing tits deserve better.'

'You're going with tits?' Clarke giggled. 

'Better than gazongas or chesticles, right?' she trailed her kisses lower, as Clarke giggled again. She wanted to suck the nipple into her mouth, to feel it with her tongue and hopefully make Clarke groan in the process. She rolled them over trailing kisses down Clarke's neck and over her clavicle.

'Breast or _mmmmboob_?' her girlfriend moaned the word as Lexa reached her goal, and sucked the nipple into her mouth.

'If you want,' she offered, releasing the nipple a couple of minutes later, only to move her from face side to side, allowing the perfectly pebbled bud to brush along her lips as she did so. 'It's just, those words really, really don't seem in any way appropriate for your gorgeous, beautiful chest.'

'You sound like a horny teenage girl,' Clarke sighed, tugging her face up so they were level again. 

'A horny teenage, _lesbian_ girl.'

Clarke smiled, and coughed before speaking dramatically, 'Her tits were ethereal in their beauty, like snow white orbs on a bed of blue. They beckoned to my lips, begged for the soft caress of my mouth. Too much for my girls small hands, but just enough for my long slender fingers to hold, as if my hands were merely goblets created to hold such splendour,' she began laughing at herself and Lexa's serious nod of agreement,

'Yeah, that,' she told her and Clarke giggled again, such a gorgeous carefree noise. A smile wove itself across her face, and she hid it in the ethereal beauty of Clarke's snow white orbs.

'You have a beautiful smile Lexa,' Clarke ran her fingers through her hair, but didn't ask that she share it. Lexa knew she understood the guilt of each smile, especially one so genuine. 

They lay together in silence for a few minutes, Clarke tracing patterns on her back, then playing with her hair. 

'I'm sorry I ruined our sleepover,' Lexa broke the quiet. 

'You didn't ruin anything you dork,' Clarke raked her nails against her skull and Lexa sighed contentedly. 

'You sure?' she raised her face from the warmth of Clarke's chest and looked at her. 

'I'm sure,' she tugged her a little higher and kissed her gently. 'I just like being with you.'

'I like being with you too,' she lay beside her, hand trailing over her stomach and back up to those pretty, pretty boobs. 

'And you found school ok?' Clarke asked. 'I mean this week - now that everyone knows.'

'Yes,' she nodded.

'Give me more than that,' her girlfriend prodded her softly.

'It was ok. There hasn't been any of the...uh... really bad stuff from before...I mean when I'm with you the stares are ok. Everyone respects you,' it had been on the tip of her tongue to say that everyone _loved_ Clarke, but that wasn't exactly true. The student body didn't seem to know what to make of Clarke. She was still the queen of the school, but as such she seemed to rule alone. Somehow she was involved in everything, and yet somehow she remained above everyone else. Lexa felt that people had left her there as Queen because it was easier to hate her if they out her in a throne, easier to claim they didn't understand her, easier to look at her and associate her with death, easier to allow her to be an enigma without pressure to work out who she was. People claimed she was too cool, to superior, that she was full of herself, that she only had a few friends because she was so self involved. Lexa closed her eyes as a painful realization hit her,

'You...' She trailed off, uncertain how to broach the subject. 

'I what?' Clarke smiled easily. 

'You're on the soccer team, the debate team, the chess team, the drama club, you take advanced math and sciences and you draw, _constantly_....' she stared at blue, blue eyes and the silence stretched between them before Clarke looked away, the smile falling from her face as her head turned from Lexa. 'It's ok, I get it,' she whispered, moving up to kiss her neck and brush her fingers through soft, fair hair. Lexa lost herself in silences, in voids of time and space, in memories. Clarke didn't allow herself the time to stop, she never stopped because then she wouldn't be forced to remember. Clarke was kept apart from others but it wasn't entirely their decision - she wanted and needed that separation because she didn't want to be confronted with what she had done. Even dating Bellamy - he provided a barrier between her and others, and Clarke seemed to need that to protect herself from the memories in her head. Lexa wallowed and Clarke avoided. Maybe Clarke would be able to help her learn to swim instead of drown in her thoughts, find ways to slow her brain down and maybe...maybe she could help Clarke wade through the memories she was trying so hard to avoid so that she might begin to feel that they were more manageable. If that was what she wanted. 

'You do?' Clarke turned her head back and they were so close their noses bumped together. 

'You don't want to think about it.'

'No. Never.'

'I understand,' she said and then pressed a kiss to her lips, 'all I do is think about it.'

'At first I did. I couldn't function. I couldn't. All I could feel was his blood on my hands, all I could hear was that noise the root on his skull, of it sinking into his brain. So I played music to drown out the noise, I began to draw, trying to get rid of that moment, the one when I realized he wouldn't wake up, when I realized he was dead, his eyes still and unseeing. I'd grip a pencil the whole time even if I wasn't dropping, holding onto something solid, but then I would drop it when my hand grew sweaty because it was like his blood was all over my hand. The busier I became the less I could think, could feel, and the further others drifted from me. I was there but not there...'

'Which way is best?' Lexa asked. There was a small shrug, as their arms held each other close. 

'I don't know. Sometimes you have to do whatever it takes to make it through, to survive.'

'Have you ever wondered if you want to?' Lexa asked and Clarke kissed her. 

'To survive?' Clarke queried without judgement. Lexa nodded. Yes,' she admitted. 'Right after, I wondered.'

'Me too. But I know how much it would hurt Lincoln, which is dumb because he's not even here, but he did so much to get me to this point and I just...couldn't...'

'I know. It was never a serious thought for me...And I know, I really do, that life should be about more than just surviving but I've just never really known how to get that...' Clarke gave yet another dainty shrug. 

'Being with you helps,' Lexa admitted and Clarke smiled,

'Being with you helps,' she agreed. 'Being with you is the first time in two years I've been able to stop and not be taken over by the weight of it all.'

'I'm glad,' she smiled again and this time she didn't hide it. 

'One day I want to make you smile long enough that I can draw it,' Clarke's fingertips touched her lips. 

'You could take a picture you know,' Lexa teased softly and Clarke gave a self-deprecating chuckle,

'Yes, ok. And I will.'

'Ok.'

'Do you want to talk about what happened to you at school in DC?' Clarke cupped her face, fingers still brushing over her lips. 

'No,' Lexa shook her head. 'I don't want to be that girl who only talks about bad things.'

'You're not,' Clarke reassured with a small laugh. 'You're very hard on yourself.'

'The thing is,' Lexa turned, rolled onto Clarke in a bold move, thigh almost accidentally landing between hers, 'I want to impress you. I want you to think I'm special, because I really, really like you.'

'I'm impressed,' Clarke told her with wide eyes, before her eyes flicked between hers, her lips and where their chests were pressed together. 'There's something about you. There was something about you from the second I landed on you back in September. I don't want you to be someone you not, and I just...I want to know everything about you.'

'Really?' she let a teasing note into her voice, 'like how much I adore boobs?'

'Yeah.'

'And how much I love the colour blue,' she bopped her nose gently against Clarke's.

'Hmmm.'

'And how I think you're the most amazing person I've ever met,' she kissed her then, a deep, ardent kiss. It wasn't that she didn't want to share everything with Clarke, she wasn't really trying to distract her from seeking an answer to her question, it was more that when she was with Clarke memories of those things lost their sharpness, they became softer and somehow less weighty than they were when she was alone. 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO**

'L...e...x....a...' the soft coo broke through her dreams and wrested her from sleep. 

'Hmmm?' she felt the momentary confusion as to where she was, but the soft, smooth, naked plump pillow where she rested her head got rid of that feeling quickly. 'Mmmm,' she nosed the pliant flesh, pressing a sloppy kiss to warm skin. Clarke hitched in a breath and Lexa felt emboldened, felt closer than ever to her beautiful girlfriend. Her mouth latched onto Clarke's neck, kissing and sucking, especially above the glorious flutter of her pulse. 

'Mmmm _Lexa_ ,' Clarke stretched, and Lexa rolled off of her, ignoring her grunt of protest, as she positioned herself alongside this fucking triumph of genetics. She continued her assault on Clarke's neck, moving down to nibble along her collarbone, as her hand found a perfect boob and palmed it gently, fingers brushing her nipple, squeezing, rolling, and then repeating each one until Clarke's moans became breathy, tortured groans, until her hips began to lift from the bed. Satisfied she dropped her lips to the neglected boob, licking over the peak and allowing the air to cool it, before sucking it into the warm cavern of her mouth, her hand smoothing down ribs and over the smooth expanse of Clarke's perfectly soft stomach, the curve of her hip, before dragging it to her belly button and dipping a thumb into it. 

'You ok?' she pulled back for a second, and blue eyes locked with hers, dark and hazy. 

'Yes,' Clarke's voice had dropped nearly an octave. 

'Can I...uh...put my hand between your legs?' she didn't want to do anything Clarke wasn't absolutely sure she wanted. 

'Yes,' Clarke nodded and Lexa lifted her hand, placing it back down on the warmth of Clarke's thigh, somewhere beneath the hem of her pyjama shorts. 'Please,' the plea caused a flip in Lexa's stomach, but she didn't rush, just trailed a path over Clarke's firm thigh, sucking her nipple back into her mouth. She laughed when Clarke's hand found hers and pushed it higher. She wanted to push her fingers under those small shorts but didn't want to move too fast, so she lifted her hand before running her fingers between Clarke's legs, over the top of damp material. She moaned at the feeling, at Clarke's responsive lift of her hips and small grunt of need. She pressed down more firmly, moving her fingers until she found the girls clit, obvious from Clarke's cry of appreciation. 

'There?' she teased softly. 

'Yes,' Clarke gasped as she smoothed her thumb over the material covering that sensitive bundle of nerves, as her fingers rubbed gently against where the material was damp, wishing there was no material. Lexa pressed a kiss to Clarke's breast and then looked at her face, studied each reaction to each move and swipe of her fingers. Her bottom jaw would drop slightly when her thumb made a circle, and her eyes would scrunch when she pressed against her entrance. She wanted to learn Clarke. 

'Fuck,' Clarke grabbed at her hand and Lexa's heart thudded, worried that she'd done something wrong, though there was no sign of that. 'Please,' Clarke mumbled, pressing her hand flat to her abdomen and pushing it down. 'Touch me.'

'This is sex. Are you ready for sex?'

'Fuck yes,' Clarke nodded, hips rising again. 'Fuck...are you?' she added as an afterthought. Not that Lexa felt like one. Lexa knew she was leading this but Clarke was in charge. She considered the question. She wasn't sure what being ready looked like exactly. She didn't know if she was ready for sex, sex which brought you out of yourself and could make you lose yourself. But she was ready for Clarke. Had been ready her whole life for someone like Clarke. 

Instead of answering the question she pushed her hand under the waist band of Clarke's shorts, lower over the short, neat hair, and then brushed her thumb over her clit in that circular motion that caused the jaw drop. Clarke didn't disappoint. She groaned loudly, hips pushing into her hand, as her teeth clamped down on her lower lip and her head fell back. 

'Lexa,' Clarke's lips formed her name but no sound came out. 

Lexa dropped her fingers lower, let them slide through wet folds, let them get coated in Clarke's arousal, let that slick feeling cover her index finger and her middle finger, before dragging it up and swirling it around her clit. Clarke was so warm, so wet, so fucking wonderful. The feeling of her warmth, the intimate softness against her fingers was overwhelming, but right in every way. 

'Fuck,' the moaned curse from Clarke emboldened her. Her thumb swirled easier with the wet she'd dragged up, and she let her index finger part soft folds, before curling it and letting the knuckle rest against Clarke's entrance. Clarke's hips canted towards her, 'more,' she begged, and Lexa gave her more, because she would willingly give her everything. She uncurled her finger and pushed it a little way in. Clarke them moved her body and the finger pushed fully inside of her. Lexa didn't think she'd ever feel something as perfect as her finger encased in the most intimate part of Clarke. Her body lurched and pounded and thrummed desperate to give her more. 

'Ok?' she checked and Clarke nodded. 

'Please,' she whimpered and Lexa nodded, moving her finger out, and then pushing two back in. 'Fuck,' Clarke caught her in a clumsy kiss, as she began to pump her fingers in and out of Clarke, a hedonistic freedom to the act, a delicious willfulness to give pleasure. She curled her fingers, she circled her clit, and she kissed her, trying to put both affection and sexiness into every move of her body against Clarke's. She wanted Clarke to fall apart in the best way possible, and so she listened to her noises, used them to find that spot inside, then memorized the curl of her fingers that had hit it. She fluttered her thumb across her clit, rubbed circles over it, tweaked it, squeezed gently, working out what made Clarke mewl and her hips buck into her thrusting fingers, what made her grip on the duvet tighten, what made her back arch and her groan out her name. She felt Clarke's body begin to tremble around her fingers and she thrilled at the feel, the soft caress of fluttering walls as the girl began to fall apart. Her mouth found Clarke's breast, kissing and sucking as Clarke cried out, her hands landing on Lexa's and holding her fingers inside of her, thighs closing tight around both their hands as she trembled and shook. Then her legs fell open, and the press of her hands grew slack and she could move her fingers gently, lovingly. 

'You are good with your fingers,' Clarke mumbled the words into the pillow. Lexa gave a shy laugh, as she pulled her hand reluctantly from the girls shorts and curled herself up into her side, bringing her face alongside Clarke's so they could kiss, and then kiss again, and then kiss some more.


	7. Be who you are Lexa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke's relationship moves forward and together they deal with the fall out of coming out at school. Lexa bonds with her uncle and Clarke decides to tell her parents. They both think about the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all,
> 
> Sorry this has taken so long. I feel like this is kinda angsty, but Lexa is beginning to heal.
> 
> Next chapter is the last.
> 
> Thanks for all the support and you know I love knowing what you think:)
> 
> Tabxx

**Chapter Seven**

'You should eat some breakfast,' her Uncle Gus's voice startled her. She'd become accustomed to mornings of silence, her uncle usually at the Polis diner before she was awake. This morning he was sat at the table, his oversized stature looking too big for the small space reminding her of Hagrid - a man who was always too big for his surroundings. Her uncle would probably be better suited to the wilds of a forest or the open expanse of the prairies, rather than some run down small kitchen.

'I don't need to,' she shrugged. She never ate breakfast, avoiding taking what she couldn't repay as often as possible.

'I don't mind if you eat,' he nodded to the table. 'I _expect_ you to eat.'

'It's ok. I'm good with coffee,' she headed to the pot, trying to portray confidence when really she felt none. She poured herself a mug and stood leaning against the counter as she drunk it.

'Lexa, this is your home. Eat some breakfast,' his voice always surprised her because it managed to be gruff and soft at the same time.

'Really, I'm fine,' she smiled tightly.

'Do you eat at your girlfriends house?' he said the words and she turned to look at him.

'My...what?'

'Clarke?'

'Anya said you thought she was my boyfriend,' she gaped, throat tight, stomach clenched anxiously. 

'I came to school... I saw pictures of her, but even if I hadn't I would have found out -they called me about that incident, you see,' he spoke gruffly.

'What incident?' she nodded, head bowed, body tensed. 

'Principal Pike was concerned you were leading Clarke astray, said the two of you were making other students uncomfortable.'

'I don't understand?' she felt sick and slightly dizzy, and moved to sit opposite her uncle at the table. 

'Some parent called the school a couple of weeks ago, followed it up with a letter - said they didn't want their daughter on the same soccer team as a...well they used a word I won't repeat...a girl who likes girls,' his voice was deep and his cheeks were tinged pink. Lexa stayed silent. 'I told him I didn't understand what that had to do with me as my daughter was no longer at the school and when she was on the soccer team her friends didn't seem to care much that she was a lesbian.'

'Anya is a lesbian?'

'She is,' he nodded and Lexa reeled, wondering why Anya hadn't told her and why she seemed to think her father had no idea. 'Or she likes both, I don't really know.'

'She doesn't think you know that.'

'She's a loud drunk,' he shrugged, 'and my daughter is a free spirit, strong and capable. I don't care who she loves so long as she's happy.'

'Oh.'

'So then this Principal Pike, he explains that my niece is leading a girl astray and that the girl in question is the captain of the soccer team, lead in the school play, on the debate club and in the chess club and I still didn't know what he means. He claimed you were a bad influence, but wasn't clear in what way. And I asked if this girl had quit a club, if her grades had suffered, and he claimed it wasn't that kind of bad influence to which he referred. To which I pointed out that a girl with that string of accolades doesn't strike me as the kind of girl to be easily led nor influenced.'

'No,' she shook her head. 'Clarke is amazing. And strong, so much stronger than anyone I've ever met. '

'He asked me to suggest to you that you find some new friends, seems to think that Clarke's dalliance with girls is under duress or at your behest.'

'Oh...' Her brow pursed and she sucked in the feeling that intolerance created, that swirl of insecurity, of fear. 

'I told him that he aught to consider finding a new job as I would be writing a letter of complaint to the school board. The girl is eighteen and perfectly capable of choosing who she does and doesn't want as a romantic partner, and it's not the business of anyone else to stand in the way. It may or may have not have become nearly physical at that point, but I don't believe he's going to be blaming you for what another student does of their own free will. You may want to warn your girlfriend that he might be calling her parents.'

'You really stood up for me?' she felt overwhelmed. Her Uncle Gus tolerated her, or so she had believed. She wasn't family, but she wasn't a stranger. She was this imposition that was somewhere in between the two. That Gus might care, or have some sort of regard for her beyond mere superficial responsibility had never occurred to her. 

'The man was wrong Lexa. Wrong to call me, wrong to blame you, wrong to give ears and time to the complaint of that family. You like that girl and that girl likes you. She texts you and has you over often enough for that to be glaringly obvious. Their foolish hang ups and phobias have no place in a school. Students date and so long as you abide by the school rules, he's just a homophobic prick.'

'Wow,' Lexa stared at him. 

'Don't wow me, for saying what everyone should say. Anya is my daughter and I will pound to hell anyone that wants to bully or belittle her, or even worse, harm her, for who she loves. I'd do the same for you.'

'But I'm...what am I to you?' she hated herself for the tears that had begun to fall down her cheeks.

'You're a person Lexa. That's enough. But you're also my kid sister's daughter. Your mom...she was a helluva lot of trouble. She robbed and drank and did every drug you can imagine and she put my life in danger to do so. She hurt our momma, and she cut off ties so that we didn't even know you and your brother existed for some time. We met you once and we tried to get you from her, but your mom, she knew how to disappear. No one called us when she disappeared from your life for good. And in the time in between I tried to forget I ever had a sister.'

'My mom...I understand...' she sniffled and Gus grabbed the kitchen towel from the counter and shoved the roll at her. 

'She wasn't a good mom?'

'She broke my arm,' Lexa admitted. 'And...fuck...no, she wasn't a good mom. I was relieved when she left. Happy. It was hard on my brother.'

'How old were you?'

'He was eighteen. He'd moved out of home at sixteen, when I was eight. She left two years later. I was that kid at school. The one that smelt like a stale cookie tin, and damp, whose clothes are torn and dirty. Who has bruises and unwashed, unbrushed hair. Lincoln tried to get me to live with him, to keep me there, but I don't even know why...somehow I always ended up back with her, loved for five minutes before she forgot about me.'

'And when she left?'

'She left to go out one night and never came back. I stayed at home for a week. We didn't have a phone. I thought if I left I wouldn't know if she came back or not. Lincoln felt awful, he used to beat himself up because when he came round I was thin and sick, and....he called social services. She was gone and he wanted parental rights. He was smart and he found this lawyer lady who said she'd help.'

'My sister..l know it can't have been easy and, well...I feel for you kid,' he patted her back awkwardly. 'Wish I could have helped.'

'You're helping now,' she whispered and he nodded. 

'Eat some breakfast, Lexa.'

'Ok,' she nodded.

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOX**

'Clarke,' she tapped on her girlfriends shoulder, gasping when in an instant Clarke had turned her and her back hit the lockers, a hot mouth claiming hers in a kiss that drained coherent thought from her normally functional head. 

'Mmm, it's so nice to see you,' Clarke cooed. 

'You saw me yesterday,' she smiled. 

'And oh but fuck was that nice,' Clarke's eyes fluttered shut and Lexa smiled widely because she was definitely thinking about sex, Lexa's fingers between her legs, pushing into her, curling inside of her, making her feel that incredible feeling of everything tightening, before it explodes like a bath bomb filled with pleasure. 'Tonight,' she moved and hovered next to her ear, 'tonight I touch you,' she nipped at her earlobe and Lexa felt dizzy, like she'd downed vodka before school, her knees buckling slightly. 

'You don't have to,' she reassured because Clarke had been hesitant, not quite ready, but the look in her eyes now was determined, _sure._

'I want to feel you,' she whispered. 

'Hmmm,' she nodded, before pressing a soft kiss to Clarke's neck, the memory of her conversation with her uncle shaking her from her lust drunk reverie. 'I need to tell you something.'

'Ok?' Clarke's brow furrowed. 

'You uh, know that Mel's parents contacted the school?'

'Yeah,' Clarke didn't seem worried. 'Two or three weeks ago. I though it had all blown over?'

'Apparently not - Pike called my uncle.'

'He called your uncle? Why?' Clarke's face scrunched up further. 'It had nothing to do with you?'

'Gus said Pike thinks I'm a bad influence on you,' she shrugged a little and Clarke actually laughed. 

'Oh my god, I'm so sorry, but honestly - what a load of crap. Did your uncle freak out?'

'You're not mad at me? Worried?' she stared at her girlfriend in amazement.

'Me? No, why would I be? It's kinda ridiculous that he thinks you might be influencing me when I'm pretty sure it was me who made all the moves.'

'Hey I kissed you first.'

'Not the first time baby, maybe the second time,' Clarke murmured affectionately. 'First time was all me and an alcoholic kick in the ass. What did your uncle say?'

'Love is love, basically. Told me Anya is gay, or bi, or basically not straight.'

'Wow. That's...unexpected?'

'It is,' she smiled and Clarke brushed her thumbs against her cheeks as she cupped her jaw. 

'You bonded with him?'

'I think so,' she shrugged. 

'I'm happy for you,' Clarke pressed her mouth to hers before pulling back. 'I'm glad he's on your side.'

'He told Pike where to shove it...which, uh...kinda means Pike may call your parents next.'

'To complain that I have a girlfriend? That's ridiculous. I killed someone and they want to get het up because I like a girl?'

'Clarke, they might tell your parents about us...' Lexa couldn't help but be worried.

'Knowing Pike, he absolutely will call them. Doesn't mean they'll be free to come in and talk. What's he going to say? I'm getting good grades, I'm doing all my extra curricula's, the only problem is some girl thinking that because I get a girlfriend I'm going to want to touch someone who isn't my girlfriend? It makes no sense - I was bisexual before I met you and she knew...why am I suddenly more bisexual now I'm dating you and unavailable?'

'Maybe she had a crush on you? Maybe she thought it was something you were just saying? Maybe she thinks now you've experienced lady loving you're just desperate for more?'

'Hmm, the last one is a distinct possibility,' Clarke looked up at her.

'Yeah?' She wanted to kiss the girl and never stop. She hadn't really recognized it before but the thrill of kissing Clarke, the adrenalin, the way her body pounded and her head filled with the noise of their kisses, or even better her girlfriends moans and sighs, her soft cry when she came, those were the moments when she wasn't thinking about thoughts that made her spiral, her brain was entirely Clarke's, entirely full of feeling and thinking that was Clarke centric. 

'But just you baby, I don't care about touching any other girls. And I know its taken me a while but I'm ready to touch you...'

' _God_ Clarke,' she pressed a little closer and kissed her neck, before pulling back. 'I want that. You know I do. But I really am worried Pike might call your parents and you know tell them...'

'Tell them what? That I'm doing great at school?' Clarke wrinkled her nose.

'No, that he might tell them you're doing _me_!' she admitted and Clarke giggled at that. Lexa sighed, 'look, do you want to be out to your parents?'

'I don't want to hide who I am from them,' Clarke shrugged. 'I mean, I like that you can sleepover now, but maybe they'll be reasonable...I mean, it's not like you can get me pregnant, right?'

'I definitely can't get you pregnant,' she was surprised by the sound of her own laugh.

'And I'm pretty sure that's the fear for most parents and teen sex, that and diseases and we're both good on that. You and Costia used protection and so did Bell and I. Listen Lex, they should be in tomorrow night, come over then? I'll tell them everything then, tell them we're dating. I'll tell them about Pike and Mel too.'

'You want me there when you do that?' Lexa was surprised. An unfamiliar warmth unfurling within her - Clarke wasn't stuck with her, she wanted her. 

'I always want you there,' Clarke tugged her close for a kiss, before winking and stalking into her English class which was next to their lockers. 'I'll see you at lunch. I have a game after school, you'll come right?'

'Last game before Christmas - of course, I'll be there!'

'Awesome,' she blew a kiss and headed to her seat. 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO**

'How's it going?' Octavia sat down beside her as they watched the game. The girls soccer games drew a huge crowd. As the most successful school team they drew the biggest crowds of all the sports teams and despite the freezing temperatures the bleachers were packed.

'How come you're not playing?' Lexa was used to sitting in the bleachers alone. 

'I sprained my ankle when we were warming up. So stupid. Clarke wanted to kick my ass,' the girl glared at the soccer field.

'You wanted to kick your own ass, too, right?' Lexa asked and Octavia nodded,

'Pretty much,' Octavia said with a wry smile and then stood, leaning on Lexa who had also risen, because Clarke was gaining on the goal and the atmosphere was tense. The score was tied at one all, and without Octavia the Arcadians had been struggling. The face on Clarke was one that said, "do not mess with me," and she fancy footed her way around the defenders until she could either pass to Mel who was open, or take a shot on goal herself. Without hesitation she took the shot on goal, and Lexa screamed when it went into the back of the net, grabbing Octavia in a hug, too happy to be surprised at the gleeful noise that had come from her, or her spontaneous touching. 

'Go Griffin,' Octavia bellowed, as Clarke whooped and cheered and then looked right at them, her eyes locking with Lexa's as she blew her a kiss. 

'Oh wow,' the words slipped out before she could stop them, but Clarke was sweaty and dirty, and without doubt the most wonderful thing she'd ever seen, blowing a kiss to her from the limelight in the centre of a crowded stadium. She couldn't drag her eyes from the blond haired girl laughing on the field, eyes still on her. 

'Sit down you love struck goof,' Octavia dragged her down by her coat. 'You have a nice smile you know? You don't smile a lot though, do you?' The girl nudged her to get her attention.

'I don't know, I guess not.'

'Clarke didn't used to smile, not much before you.'

'I'm worried that Mel...Mel's parents, people like them will stop her smiling.'

'Oh Clarke's tougher than to worry about a little name calling. She's never much cared for what people think, only about doing the right thing. The thing with Finn...whatever she says about it, it nearly destroyed her. But she came back from it. Something tells me you know what it's like to have something you're struggling with, something big.'

'Yeah,' she shrugged noncommittally. 

'People talked back then, about her I mean. And not nicely. People called her a murderer. They talked when she came out too. Bell and I like to think we shielded her but we didn't, not really. I don't think she cares much what people think of her. She's realized it only matters what she thinks of herself at the end of the day. She doesn't think being bi is wrong, she doesn't think loving a girl is wrong...'

'She doesn't _love_ me,' Lexa interrupted but Octavia just laughed,

'Well she sure likes you a lot, and she doesn't see anything wrong with that, because there isn't. We all know there are homophobic asses in our society, in our school, everywhere, but she knows she's not in the wrong, she knows and so she doesn't care...she just figures they show their true selves and now she knows who's a decent human being and who's a dick...'

'Yeah, but what if her parents are homophobic asses? What if they're the ones with a problem, the ones saying things?'

'Ok, so I know you don't know the Griffins super well, or as well as the rest of us, but they donate to the Trevor Project, they've taken Clarke to Pride, I just don't think there's gonna be anything negative coming from them. They'll support their daughter.'

'It's funny...so many parents...you know, they're not a racist until their daughter brings home a black man, not a homophobe until their daughter is in a relationship with a girl, not a snob until their kid falls for the wrong sort. If they approve of me at all it's because Clarke told them I was smart. Before she mentioned that I was just some low class, tattooed dyke.'

'Not everyone thinks like that,' Octavia turned to stare at her, mouth gaping a little. 

'More people think like that than you know. My mom...my mom was an awful, awful human being. She was. And she...' Lexa hesitated.

'She what?'

'Fuck,' she tensed, suddenly aware of her mouth running away with her. These stories were for Clarke, if anyone, not Octavia with her interest as clear as day. If she were honest these were dark thoughts for dark moments, things her mother had told her. Just because she'd had a heart to heart with her Uncle it didn't mean his version of her past was the truth. He might paint himself as someone who cared now and would have cared then, but he hadn't been there. Her brother was the only person who'd ever been there for her. Her dead bother. 'It doesn't matter. Look, I have to go.'

'The game isn't over,' Octavia looked at her like she had two heads.

'Tell Clarke I...just tell her blue.'

'Blue?' Octavia scoffed. 

'Please?'

'Fine, whatever.'

**COXOXOXOXOCOXOCOCOCOCOOXOXOX**

Lexa lay on her stupid crappy cot bed, in the silent house wondering why she had to be herself. It wasn't healthy to contemplate her life, to mentally categorize all the moments that led to her lying on a broken cot bed in the home of a stranger. Was it the fact that her mom got pregnant by her black boyfriend? That was what her mom had always told her. That the grandparents were racist and pushed her out. It might have been true but her mom wasn't winning any awards for charm. Her mom hadn't ever been clear with her or Lincoln about what had happened to their fathers. With Lincoln's dad there was never a straight story - death, prison, college. One minute he was a nice guy but a dealer, the next he was a nice guy but college was more important, or he was a nice guy but dead. Given his son's personality, and given the one consistency in all the stories, Lexa concluded that Lincoln's father was a nice man and if he was a nice man, he was probably dead, or had never known about his son, because no one nice would have left Lincoln with their mom. She knew even less about her father, her father didn't get stories, just a muttered curse word from her mom. The problem with her mom was that she was a manipulator and so the story would change depending on whether she wanted to use you or hurt you, depending on the outcome she'd wanted. Lexa had nothing to work with when it came to her father, but she and Lincoln had often fantasized about his. They'd both decided their mom probably hadn't shared the fact that she was pregnant if he was a nice guy. Her mother was a user and if Lincoln's father had been all used up, taken for his worth, then that would have meant the woman had no interest in him any longer. 

'Lexa,' Clarke opening her bedroom door made her jump. Clarke was a muddy mess, pony tail falling out, dried sweat and mud on her face. Her shoes were in her arms and were thick with mud. She put them down and moved across to the cot where Lexa was buried under blankets. She shucked off her coat and lifted the old duvet and crawled under, wrapping her body tightly around her. Clarke might be dirty and smell of sweat but Lexa turned in her arms and burrowed under her chin. She didn't care about any of that crap, in fact everything about the girl beside her was perfect in that moment because Clarke had run to her. Clarke had forgone a shower, celebrating with her friends and the party that usually followed even a Wednesday night game, to come to her, to come and lie in a crappy cot bed _with her_. 

'I'm sorry,' she pressed kisses against the column of Clarke's neck, on the soft skin. 

'Sorry I get to cuddle up in bed with you? I'm not,' Clarke's hands snuck under her top and held her close. 

'Octavia...she...' Lexa trailed off, unsure how to explain what had happened.

'She said something?'

'She said I shouldn't worry about your parents. But you see I do worry because I've never known anyone like you. You're brave, and sweet and kind and you get it...no one else ever seems to get it. Me included. I don't know how to know what the truth is in life. My mom, she taught me to distrust and Lincoln, he taught me to see the best in everyone, and now...now I don't know what to think, how to trust people.'

'Lexa, you don't need to worry about my parents...'

'I do. I don't want them to hurt you. I don't want anyone to hurt you,' she attempted to convey her fears, but knew she was falling short when Clarke shook her head and pressed a kiss to her nose. 

'They won't,' she reassured, but Lexa needed to explain.

'My mom, she told me her parents were racist, disowned her because she was pregnant by a black guy. But my mom... _she_ was the racist, would say these atrocious things. Being gay was ok, until I said I thought I wouldn't ever want a boyfriend, that girls were prettier - she was so angry she broke my arm. People are crazy Clarke. They think they're one way, that they're liberal, or whatever, but mostly they're filled with fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of difference, fear of things they don't understand.'

'I'm not willing to hide this because my parents might not be as liberal as they led me to believe,' Clarke reassured, a frown on her brow. 

'I just...' she sighed, 'I'm never going to be someone your parents approve of...'

'They think you're great,' her girlfriend interrupted. 

'As your friend, as a project. But I'm not going to college. I'm not going _anywhere_. My mother was an addict, and she was at a point where she didn't care about anything. She was abusive Clarke. She neglected me, she hit me, she was cruel. She was cruel to my brother too, and yet she wouldn't let me go live with him because she wanted the money, the cheque from the government to help support me. And then after she left, God it was finally ok, because I was with Lincoln...but after he got sick...I wasn't a good person back then Clarke. I'm not sure I am now.'

'What do you mean?

'When he was sick...I kinda lost it. I couldn't handle it at first. I stole...I...I used to get into fights. I did drugs, and I did the usual bullshit. I skipped school when I knew Lincoln was going to die. I punched a teacher...I wrote bullshit assignments, rants really. I'm smart, sure, but fuck...I've been so stupid.'

'You don't do any of that now?' Clarke was staring at her, blue eyes wide. 

'I'm too sad to do much of anything anymore. It's like there's this weight on my chest, this fucking ten ton weight and it hurts, and all I can do is get through - straight after I went through the anger...I was arrested...but now? Now I'm just sad.'

'Lexa...you've had a shitty past, and yeah, life still is pretty awful, but you can be who you want to be. You don't need to be defined by the choices you made before, if they even were choices. They sound like reactions, like grief. I kinda did some of the same stuff. The thing is, since you've been here you've been making different choices, you can keep making different choices.'

'No,' she shook her head. 'No...I don't even know how. I don't know how to be different to how I've always been,' she admitted. 'Without the crushing weight of...fuck, of everything I think I'd still be angry, Clarke. So fucking angry at the world.'

Clarke looked at her, soft blue eyes raking across her features, brow furrowed in concentration. After a long couple of minutes silence, Clarke pressed her hand to Lexa's cheek, 'so don't be different. Be who you are Lexa.'

'A screw up waste of space?' she asked with a scoff. 

'A screw up isn't all you were or are and don't even try and pretend it was. You were a sister, a loving, caring, campaigning sister, fighting for treatment, for rights. You fought for your brother, you fundraised for your brother and you loved him, and cared for him. You wrote stories, endlessly - that's what you told me. You like to drink? Then drink. I'm not a fan of drugs, but sure...if that's what you need...just do it carefully. Love harder than you hate and you won't self-destruct. Pour emotion into your writing. Ask yourself what you'd want to do if your past and money were no barrier. And then get there. It might be hard and take longer, but I know you've always been determined, and fierce when you want something...that's what you told me. Wear your tattoos with pride, be badass, be a lesbian and don't hide any of it. Your past is part of who you are. Own it. Just don't let it dictate who you become.'

'How do I even know what I'd want to be? My head is full of foolish fantasy.'

'Foolish fantasy?' Clarke rubbed her nose against hers, before kissing the tip. 

'I'd love to write...but that is foolish...that's not a career, not a way to survive.'

'It isn't foolish, Lexa...but I agree not everyone is on the next best sellers list. If you wanna write, write...'

'What about you? What do you want to be?'

'Well that's obvious,' Clarke chuckled and Lexa found herself smiling, because it was indeed.

'Will you study art then? Or medicine like your mom wants?'

'Actually I'll do neither,' Clarke began to pepper kisses along her jaw. 

'Neither?' Lexa pulled away slightly, thumb instinctively swiping at some mud on her girlfriends cheek.

'I'm going to study architecture.'

'Really?'

'Yeah, I debated a lot, but I can be creative and technical in that profession, and I think my mom will approve...'

'You haven't told her?'

'No. She's rather adamant about medicine. I'm hoping she'll think I'm going to rebel with art, but will feel like this is a good steady, reliable alternative.'

'But you would rather study art?' Lexa frowned as Clarke shrugged and nodded,

'And you'd love to do creative writing - that can be saved for post grads or free time. If I want to do art I can do art, I'll just study something else, and yeah...I'll do a few electives. You should do the same.'

'There was one thing...I thought I could do...'

'Yeah?' Clarke smiled brightly. 

'Well I got caught high when I was at school...it was when things were a huge mess. Lincoln was dying and..and...I just wanted to pretend like it wasn't happening. The school, they called the police cos I had some stuff on me and the police gave me community service. It was mentoring, though why anyone thought I'd be good at that is beyond me.'

'Let me guess - you were amazing?'

'It was this literacy program and I was really fucking good at it,' she smiled, 'I helped these kids with their reading...like the decoding stuff but also the context and comprehension side of things. I started to read up on how to teach so I could be better at helping them and...I don't know...if I could I guess that's what I'd do...be a teacher.'

'Then we'll look at what you've got, what you need and how to fill the gap. I think you'd be amazing, and you could still be you. God I imagine you in a high school class and I think you'd be the teacher everyone adored. Or little kids...it's funny, people actually don't care what their kids teacher looks like, or whether they're gay or straight or what...'

'They don't? You don't think some conservative parent would care if their kid was taught by a tattooed queer?'

'Lexa,' Clarke frowned.

'Sorry.'

'No I don't. I think parents care about the classroom atmosphere, strategies for dealing with bullies, adherence to the curriculum and creativity. They care if you're a good teacher.'

'I would be the best teacher,' Lexa bit her lip, imagining a future where she had her own classroom, and how it would look, the kids arriving and looking at her with adoration because she respected them and taught them well. 

'You would be absolutely amazing,' Clarke nuzzled up against her. 'Can we kiss for a little?'

'Mmm, sure,' she smiled spontaneously as Clarke's arms tightened, and her hot mouth landed against hers. The kiss was hot and messy, and decidedly dirty, and not because Clarke was muddy. They were soon panting heavily, their body's grinding together, and Lexa wanted to touch her, wanted to feel slick warmth around her fingers, to feel completely close. But Clarke shook her head, when her hand dipped down the back of her soccer shorts,

'I'm gross. And I want to touch you. Can you take off your pants?' Her fingers toyed with the button to her jeans as she asked and Lexa felt her eyes widen as she nodded. She helped as Clarke pushed the bottoms and underwear from her body. Feeling a touch self conscious Lexa was thankful for the cover. It had always been easier for her to give pleasure than receive it. Clarke deserved to feel good, was worthy of all the love she could lavish on her, and yet when Clarke's hand ghosted over her stomach she found a sort of disquiet fill her. It was hard to comprehend that someone thought her worthy of affection, of love, of _pleasure_ , and she couldn't quite dispel the notion that Clarke didn't really want to touch her. 

'Stop,' she whispered and Clarke immediately pulled her hand away, worried eyes meeting hers,

'You don't want me to?' The frown, the fear in Clarke's eyes was obvious and awful,

'I do, I really do...I just...you don't have to. I don't want you to feel like you have to.'

'I don't Lexa. I want to touch you because you turn me on. Your body turns me on. Your mind turns me on. I want to feel how wet I make you on my fingers. I want you to feel how much I adore you.'

'But...'

'No buts,' Clarke slid down the bed and Lexa was momentarily confused. 'If you want this, I want this. I want to see every part of you, touch every part, taste every part...'

'I just...' Lexa didn't know how to explain it, how she was scared the intimacy would be too much. 

'I don't care if you cry,' Clarke murmured from amongst the covers, and Lexa drew in a ragged breath at the feeling of hot air between her legs. 

'You don't have too,' she whispered shocked at the girls decision to use her tongue before her fingers. She felt Clarke's laugh right up against her, her chin resting in the slickness, her mouth pressed to her clit,

'I've spent over three months staring at you and drawing you, being basically obsessed with you. I want this Lexa. Fuck, I want to kiss you, taste you, make you come and then draw you with your legs wide open, spread wide so I can see everything,' at that moment Clarke threw the cover off them, and Lexa saw her face pressed against her, where she knew she was warm and wet and wanting. It was overwhelming - Clarke's words and the visual before her - and she thought she might cry, only her hips thrust up towards her girlfriend instead, and at a soft sweep of Clarke's tongue she whimpered. Clarke pulled back for a moment, eyes roving across her folds, her swollen clit, the wetness there and she watched her girlfriends eyes darken, before she was pressed up tight against her, and a surge of electric swooping tumbled through her as erratically as Clarke sucked, licked and kissed. 

'Oh god,' she moaned, as Clarke's hands clawed at her ass, tugged her closer before sucking at her clit. 'God...'

'You taste good,' Clarke literally nuzzled her between the legs, before flicking at her clit with her tongue and pushing two fingers into her, and pumping them, her own hips jerking into Lexa's side. 

'Clarke,' she practically wailed the girls name as her body crescendo'd up, way up, and then crashed down, her hands holding Clarke's face against her. 'Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,' she chanted under her breath, as cool air hit the heat between her legs and Clarke's body shimmied up the bed to lay along side hers, fingers running over her cheeks and rubbing away tears. 

'You ok, Lexa?'

'No...' She turned into the other girl, wrapping her legs and arms around her, desperate to share her love, because it had to be love, that feeling in her stomach, in her mind, scratching against the back of her throat. 

'Was that...was I ok?'

'You were like some fucking expert,' Lexa muttered still crying. 'How...'

'I watched a few porn videos, read some erotica, and practiced what I could on myself,' she admitted unashamedly. 'I could have used a little more finesse!'

'You were perfect,' Lexa's mind flickered through memories of the eagerness, the fast and slightly fumbling thrust of her tongue, the not quite right technique, the moan as she tasted her, the movement of her hips that was in time with the thrust of her fingers, and her body clenched. 'Perfect.'


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grief is strange. Clarke comes out to her parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being so patient everyone! I always say, "just one more chapter" and then there's more, but I really think just one more. Thanks for bearing with me while I've had this long break away. Hopefully you won't have to wait so long for the last part - though it depends on how brutal the jet lag is;) 
> 
> Sorry this isn't the longest chapter, but it felt complete at this point. 
> 
> Thanks for all the comments, kudos and general support, here and on tumblr!

**Chapter Eight**

Lexa was sat in the Griffin's den together with Clarke and Raven the following evening, college guides, laptops and Clarke's master book of notes spread out on the coffee table in front of them. Raven was sat in her chair, working at her own desk on some complicated mechanical project, and was apparently entirely disinterested in the application process. 

'Are you not applying to college?' Lexa could help but ask, as Clarke's brow furrowed at whatever she was reading on her laptop.

'Done and done. I'm a genius, you know, and already have a free ride to MIT,' Raven didn't look up from what she was working on.

'Really?'

'Yeah,' Raven smirked, and continued turning the tiny screwdriver in her hand. 

'She didn't even have to apply. She was at some science fair...some big important one, and " _they_ " found her,' Clarke did look up briefly, but then her eyes were fixed back on her screen.

Lexa felt a small sting at hearing of Raven's success. She felt jealous, she realized, and it wasn't like Raven had a great background, not before the Griffins gave her a home. Raven's mother was apparently only marginally better at parenting than hers had been. But Raven was _super_ smart. The thing was Lexa wasn't stupid either, but there was no one spontaneously offering her free ride to anything. The jealousy was bound up in the fact that Raven had the kind of brains and the kind of luck Lexa had often fantasized about - being offered a free ride to college was something she'd let sneak into her dreams late at night, or someone discovering her writing and wanting to publish her - unexpected success, success she thought she'd never have. But she wasn't special like Raven. Most people weren't. And she hadn't ever had anyone like the Griffins on her side. The Griffins clearly adored Raven, treated her no differently to their own kid, and she was pretty sure they gave her money for the things she needed to do her projects - in fact they were probably the reason she was at that science fair to begin with. Well, she could concede that maybe that wasn't true - maybe the school had seen that she was worthy of investment. Lexa wanted to be worthy, and she was almost certain that being jealous of Raven wasn't worthy behaviour. However, revealing her idea of teaching to Clarke had made it take root more firmly, and she wondered whether it was only extra special kids who got the assistance to make their dreams come true when they had no one and nothing. She shook her head slightly, trying to knock the jealousy out, pretending that she didn't feel the touch of bitterness.

'Do you have a social worker?' Clarke squeezed her thigh, breaking her from her thoughts and she nodded,

'Yeah.'

'Someone nice? Who'd write a letter of recommendation?'

'I think so,' she wasn't sure.

'Do any of your brothers friends...do they have decent jobs?' Clarke was so intense.

'Indra is a vet,' she offered.

'A vet?'

'Yeah.'

'Well you need to ask her to write you a letter too. And if you can contact whoever supervised you at your community service, that would be awesome. And we need you to write a kick ass essay.'

'We don't,' Lexa corrected, pulling the laptop from Clarke's hands and giving her an affectionate smile, forgetting about Raven as her eyes looked at her beautiful girlfriend. She put the laptop on the coffee table.

'We don't?' Clarke smirked as they drew closer, and closer. 

'I'll do my stuff, you have your own applications to do. You don't have to do my stuff for me, you know?'

'I don't huh?' Clarke pulled her down on top of her. 

'No. Consider me motivated. Maybe it'll take me longer to get to college than you guys, but I'll do it.'

'As long as you be yourself in the process,' Clarke pressed a wet kiss to her neck, and Lexa appreciated that Clarke wasn't trying to change her.

'I'm not even sure who I am anymore,' she mumbled honestly.

'I'm just saying...you feel the need to express your anger, tell me...we'll find ways of doing it that maybe don't fuck up your life plans, ok?' the cute way she wrinkled her nose as she spoke made Lexa's heart pound and her mind to drift back to the previous day in her bed and to earlier upstairs in Clarke's room when they'd had sex, her fingers in Clarke, and Clarke's in her. 

'The thing is,' she shook her head, trying to clear the fuzziness of lust from her brain.

'Yeah?'

'I'm already...like... _ugh_....' it was hard to explain.

'Yeah?' Clarke was patient.

'I'm fucked, is what I'm trying to say. I want to apply. I do, but I don't know if there's any point. This is all great, and maybe I'll even get in somewhere with enough support that I can actually go, but I've got nowhere to live at the end of June. I don't know where I'll go for the summer, or...or how I can possibly...'

'Lexa, you can rent a room somewhere and get a job,' Clarke told her.

'But it's not always so simple to just get a job these days is it? I tried when Lincoln got sick,' she shot a glance at Raven who appeared entirely focussed on her project. 'I would have left school, but there wasn't any work, not even at Macdonalds.'

'You'll find something,' Clarke reassured. 

'Listen to your girlfriend Clarkey, she's right. The country's economy is in the pan. There isn't work just like that. And our age bracket is the least employable in society. Without somewhere to live she's screwed.'

'It's true,' Lexa tried to sit up, hating how defeated she felt before even starting. 

'You'll stay here,' Clarke stated decisively. 'We have a spare room and what else are you gonna do? Become homeless? Hell no.'

'I couldn't just live here,' Lexa shook her head, but Clarke's face was determined,

'You can and you will.'

'What if we're not together then? What if your parents freak out when they find out we're dating? What if...'

Clarke silenced her with a kiss. She tried to fight it for a moment, but it was impossible. Clarke meant to much to her, and her body responded eagerly to hers. 

'Forget what ifs,' Clarke murmured into the kiss. 'One step at a time, ok? You have a goal. You have information. You have me. Those things can change and they might, but knowing what you want is half the battle.'

'I know I want you,' she admitted and Clarke grinned,

'And I know I want you.'

'And I know you're both gross,' Raven mimicked, but they ignored her, falling into another kiss. A kiss that was languid and lovely and wonderfully close and long.

'Now I get why you talk about _this_ particular friend all the time!' Abby's voice from the door to the den had them scrambling apart, only Clarke's hand was up her top and she had to slide it out, before they turned to look at her mother. Her cheeks burned and panic rumbled in her stomach as she fought the urge to run, or cry, or both. She tried to shift away from Clarke, but her girlfriend sidled close, and the more she tried to lean away, the tighter the girl clung onto her. 

'Surprise,' Clarke mumbled a little weakly. 'I'm bisexual, and Lexa and I are dating!' Abby was silent for a second as she moved into the den. Even Raven had given up all pretence of working on her project, eyes fixed on the unfolding situation. Lexa entered full on panic mode, heart galloping in her chest, skin hot and feverish.

'Relax Lexa,' Abby rolled her eyes a little and moved aside their notes to perch awkwardly on the coffee table in front of them. 'Thanks for telling me Clarke. Can I ask how long this has been going on?'

'Oh, a little while I guess? Officially Thanksgiving, but kinda before,' Clarke leaned into her side. 

'Are you having sex?' Abby looked at them and Lexa felt so hot she thought she might catch on fire. 

'Yeah,' Clarke mumbled. 

'Safely?'

'Yeah, well I'm not gonna get pregnant, and we're both clean, so yeah...'

'I'll get you some stuff, it doesn't hurt to use protection.'

'It's a little late for that. But we both used it with our one previous partner so given the lack of pregnancy stuff, we're good...'

Lexa stared at her girlfriend, shocked at the blunt conversation, shocked at Abby's attitude and demeanour. She didn't look upset, or angry, or even disappointed.

'And no drugs? No needles?' Abby turned to her. Ah, so there was the judgement.

'You can't ask her stuff like that!' Clarke protested.

'She told me herself she'd done bad things. I want to protect you, that's my job.'

'She's right,' Lexa sided with Abby because that was her job. 'And no, no drugs that involve needles, and it was my brother who did my tats and he was absolutely meticulous about hygiene and health and safety standards - he had certificates.'

'Ok, that's good. Thank you for reassuring me Lexa, I appreciate that.'

'I don't mind...I know what people think of me.'

'And I know that sometimes you're wrong,' Abby laughed and Lexa's brow furrowed. 'I don't think or judge you at all Lexa. You look like you've had a tough and hard life and that seems to be true by your own admission, and you're sometimes a little aloof though I think that's because you're protecting yourself. I don't know you well enough to judge you, and why should I judge you anyway? My daughter is smart enough to pick her own partner. What I do know is that you're polite, and it's obvious you care about Clarke. And it's also obvious she likes you. That's an accolade in my book.'

'Thank you, Dr. Griffin,' Lexa pressed her lips into a tight line. She knew that Abby was being fair, and diplomatic but it still hurt. No eighteen year old wants to look as though their life has been hard and tough. Sure, in the circles she ran in it didn't do to look weak, and power was everything but there was a subtle difference. Lexa had strived to appear strong and tough, it was a matter of self-defence, of fitting in, of being true to herself. That was not how Abby had phrased it though. She'd said it was obvious she'd had a tough, hard life. Life had thwacked itself down hard on her back and there was evidence of that in her appearance. People knew. They looked at her and they judged her background, her experiences, her. It was different. How she thought she appeared, and how people saw her.

'Can we tell your dad at dinner?' Abby asked.

'That was the general idea tonight actually,' Clarke shrugged.

'I'll leave it to you then?'

'Ok. And mom...'

'Yeah?'

'Mr. Pike might be calling you...'

'Why?' Abby's brow furrowed and she looked like her daughter. 

'Oh Mel's parents complained about Mel having to play with a...girl who likes girl. A bisexual. They called Lexa's uncle and told him she was a bad influence on me, but she's not mom. It's a load of crap. Homophobic crap and Lexa's uncle called him on it, so we think they're gonna call you.'

'I still don't understand. Why is he going to call?' Abby was staring at them. 'Did you do something wrong?'

'No mom. He thinks Lexa is leading me astray...making me gay...coercing...'

'Right,' Abby's mouth set in a thin line. 'Well in that case I hope he does call me so I can tell him exactly what I think of his thoughts.'

'I don't know what he said, he just indicated to my uncle that Clarke was behaving in ways she didn't used to, that we were making other students uncomfortable...'

'But it's just Mel really. And maybe a couple of other idiots, but mom we're not behaving in any way differently to other couples at school. And I'm not interested in anyone other than Lexa...'

'And you shouldn't have to defend yourself,' her mom interrupted. 

'Thanks mom.'

'You either Lexa. Your uncle stood up for you?'

'He did.'

'Good. And if he doesn't, Clarke's dad and I will, ok?'

'Thank you.'

'So, you knew?' Abby turned to Raven who was once again fiddling her project as she pretended not to listen. Raven looked up and grinned,

'Yeah of course. And before they were a thing I knew they were all into each other,' she shrugged. 'I mean Clarke detailed every painful attempt at making it more.'

'Hey,' Clarke flushed adorably.

'Hmm,' Abby laughed at that before turning back to them, 'well I look forward to getting to know you even better Lexa!'

'And I you Dr. Griffin,' Lexa managed to mumble before Abby left and she was burying her face in Clarke's neck. 

'Embarrassed?' Clarke giggled.

'Mortified.'

'I told you it would be ok! Now everyone knows except my dad,' Clarke nipped her ear lobe playfully and Lexa's hands played with the soft skin at the waist of her jeans. 

'Yeah, I definitely know,' Raven tossed a cushion at them. Clarke renestled against her even as she tossed the cushion back. 

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

Lexa was extremely stressed by the time Abby Griffin called them for dinner and despite Clarke's constant reassurances and touches she was fairly certain she might have a panic attack. Which was stupid. She wasn't shy about who she was, and she never sought to hide it. She'd met homophobia and dealt with it, and she wasn't even expecting Jake Griffin to be an ass, not when Abby was so amazing. _Fuck_ but Clarke's mom had actually offered to get them protection. Never in Lexa's wildest imaginings of telling her girlfriends parents, had that been a consideration. Lexa just hadn't ever known people like that. Lincoln had known she was a lesbian. He'd not cared. Of course he cared about the crap she sometimes received for it, but he didn't have any problem discussing the scientific stuff about sex between two girls, the issue of protection. He'd come home with dental dams and gloves for her, saying every teenager needed to be safe and she had been safe with Costia. Because she was that kind of girl. Of course his nonplussed reaction didn't mean that every time she revealed who she was to someone it was a moment of revelation that was saturated in the stress of anticipation and angst because people had been awful and she had been rejected. 

'It's going to be ok Lexa,' Clarke took her hand and threaded their fingers together when they sat down having set the table. At that Abby turned to look at her,

'Lexa, all Clarke's father and I have ever wanted was for her to be happy. We don't care if that's with a boy or a girl,' Abby then looked at her watch and tsked loudly, apparently peeved at Jake Griffin's tardiness. 

'Yeah, but funnily enough you do care whether I apply for med school or art school even though we know which one makes me happy...' Clarke couldn't resist apparently and Lexa squeezed her hand, uncomfortable at the open opposition Clarke was levelling at her mother, so close to coming out. Abby sighed dramatically,

'Clarke, your father and I have discussed this with you, looked at the statistics with you. Nearly every single medical school graduate has a job, whereas the statistics for art school graduates working in art are significantly lower. You don't want a job in admin, I know you, and that's what you'd probably end up doing. Art is a wonderful thing, a fantastic hobby, but it's not a career,' Abby looked to the door with relief as Jake came trundling in. 

'The art school versus medical school debate again,' he gave everyone a weary wave, before dropping a kiss on Abby's cheek. 

'As we've established, there is no debate,' Abby stated pointedly.

'We do need to listen to Clarke,' Jake stated from where he was washing his hands. 

'We have listened to Clarke,' Abby spat out in exasperation and Clarke let her head thunk onto the dining table. 

'I don't think she feels listened too...' Jake pointed out and slipped into the seat opposite Lexa, giving her a bright smile. 

'Let's shelve the college debate for today,' Abby requested and Lexa watched Clarke raise wary eyes. 'Clarke wanted to share something with you,' she nodded at Jake. 

'Sure thing,' Jake smiled at his daughter and Lexa squeezed Clarke's hand under the table. 

'Two things actually,' Clarke smiled at her dad and Lexa watched the man smile back. 

'I'm all ears,' he flapped his ears with his hands looking silly. 

'Well firstly, I...well I'm dating someone, and they're really amazing and lovely and I adore them...'

'Is he anyone I know?' Jake chuckled. 

'She's Lexa,' Clarke gave her a soft affectionate look, and Lexa felt her cheeks heat up as Jake turned an appraising gaze on her. 

'You have a girlfriend!' He stated as a smile spread across his face.

'I'm bi and yes, I have a girlfriend.'

'Who she's sexually active with but we've had "the talk,"' Abby put in and Clarke rolled her eyes as Lexa covered her face with her hands, so embarrassed she could barely breathe. 

'No diseases, no pregnancy and no broken hearts and we're all good,' Jake offered, and reached over and tugged Lexa's hand from her face. 'You're a great girl and you make her happy. We talk about everything.'

'Which is why there's one last thing we need to discuss...' Clarke edged closer to her, hand landing on her upper thigh. 

'Two things - girlfriend and bisexual,' her dad ticked off on his hands teasingly but then offered a shrug of apology when he realized his daughter had something serious to say. 

'You want me to be a doctor mom, and I get it. I have aptitude and the grades and you're a doctor, but I'm never going to be happy being a doctor. I want art school, but I may never be good enough to make it...'

'You're amazing,' Lexa hadn't even meant to speak, let alone interrupt, but she couldn't let a comment like that go unaddressed apparently. 

'Thanks,' Clarke pressed a kiss to her shoulder before turning back to face her parents. 'So I've decided I'll do neither.'

'Neither?' Both her parents uttered in unison. 

'I'm going to apply to study architecture. Something practical that involves creativity.'

'Architecture!' Both Clarke's parents made the exclamation at the same time, though the tone couldn't have been more different. Her mother pretty much scoffed the word and her father sounded delighted. Lexa felt like her head was spinning. Their daughter had just come out, had just introduced her lesbian, tattooed, orphaned, no-hoper girlfriend to them and they seemed more interested in discussing her college prospects, both launching into a heated discussion with one another about their daughters decision. Clarke's head landed on her shoulder and instinctively she wrapped an arm around her, pressing a kiss to her hair. That was apparently enough to stop Jake in his tracks and he smiled warmly,

'You're so cute together,' he smiled. 

'Adorable right?' Abby agreed. 'But this needs further discussion Clarke.'

'Lexa and I need further discussion?' Clarke seemed to deliberately misunderstand and Abby gave her a severe look. 'Mom, can we just eat dinner. It's late, Lexa and I were half way through research on colleges and you haven't even noticed that Rae isn't even here yet because she's obsessed with that damn thing she's working on.'

'Don't say damn, and yes ok, and Lexa honey, would you mind fetching Raven?'

'Sure, Dr. Griffin,' Lexa nodded but Clarke clung onto her hand,

'Don't leave me, mom is going to tell me all the reasons why medicine is a better choice for me...stay....' she acted dramatically,

'And you can tell her all the reasons why architecture would make you happier,' she smiled and tugged her hand free, amazed that she was sounding much calmer than she felt. She headed out of the kitchen and down the hall to the den, resting outside and trying to calm her breathing. It felt ridiculous to her that such a positive, appropriate response to coming out could make her feel as panicked as an awful one. She didn't know why her heart was hammering, and her palms were sweaty and her stomach was turning over with a sick sensation of wrong. She often wished for her brother - over breakfast when she was making coffee and she instinctively would reach for two mugs, when she got a good mark at school, when Clarke did something unbearably cute, or funny, or kissed her in a way that made the world shift on its axis. She wanted her brother, missed him, especially when she was alone, or sad, or confused or in trouble. And leaning against the wall outside the den at Clarke's she wanted him more than ever, wanted him to give her a quick hug and say something silly but thoughtful that would drain the misplaced anxiety and reassure her that this thing with Clarke wasn't a dream, that she wouldn't necessarily lose her just because they were eighteen, and Clarke was off to college. She wouldn't necessarily lose this girl who helped her feel positive, wonderful things for the first time in so long. She sucked in a breath because she felt the weight of inevitability on her shoulders - she lost everyone. 

'You ok?' Raven was stood, hovering in the doorway and staring at her. 

'I'm fine.'

'Liar,' the girl leant back against the door frame and stared expectantly. It reminded her of Lincoln and without any preamble tears filled her eyes. Raven didn't say anything, even as hot, salty tears slid down her cheeks. Still Raven waited, and then warm arms slipped around her and lips pressed to her neck as Raven melted away. Lexa knew Raven had been standing guard until the person she needed was there and her heart healed a little at the knowledge. Clarke's warm kisses against the wet tracks of her tears only made more tears spill.

'Do you need me to stay, or do you need me to go?' Clarke asked the question, like it was a normal thing to ask your crying girlfriend.

'I need you,' she managed to whisper. Even admitting it made the tears fall faster, silent orbs of sadness making salty lines in her cheeks. 

'I'm here.'

'I really like being your girlfriend,' she tried to explain and Clarke smiled brightly in the face of her tears, thumbs brushing over her cheek bones and swiping away the wet. 

'I really like being your girlfriend,' Clarke responded simply. 

'But...' How could she explain the fear that the prospect of loss caused, that constant disquiet, the incessant belief that everything good in the world was temporary, and thus the desire to be distanced from the best things in order to protect your heart from the inevitable pain?

'Lexa, I love being your girlfriend,' Clarke was staring at her intently, her gaze burning and honest as her hands found Lexa's. Lexa stared at her, marvelling at the ease with which Clarke approached everything, casually discussing their desire for non heterosexual sex with her friend, telling her parents she had a girlfriend, then discussing college in the same breath as protection for their sexual relations. It made the tight knot of anxiety that had been coiled inside of her for such a long time loosen a little, but a different knot of anxiety grow. She looked at Clarke, her blue eyes bright and shiny, a look of concern on her face, her beautiful lips were parted slightly, and her hair a cascade of golden waves down her back. She was beautiful. But more than that, she was this amazingly good person. Oh she could be deceptive and a manipulative little thing, but it was always with a good goal in the end, and she was so fucking nice to her. She might debate feistily, she might argue savagely, but she was kind, and caring and soft, and fiercely protective. 

'I love you,' the words slipped out and she hadn't meant them too, hadn't even realized that was what she was thinking until they were out. Clarke looked at her with a big smile, but Lexa instantly regretted saying it, not the words exactly, but allowing herself to love in the first place. Not that she could help it, not with Clarke. She scrambled from Clarke's grip and not knowing where to go, ran up the stairs to Clarke's room, where she sat on the bed, trying to breath. 

It took Clarke nearly five minutes to join her. 

'Lexa...' the bed dipped as she sat down beside her. 'I'm not going anywhere.'

'I'm not...that's not...' she stuttered, unsure how Clarke knew what it was she was stressed about. 

'And I love you too,' Clarke sat behind her, arms sidling under hers, legs wrapping around her middle and lips pressing warm kisses to her neck. 'I love you too.'

'You do?' the words were barely audible.

'I do. Now let's hug, really, really tight for a few minutes and then go eat my moms delicious lasagna. If you want?' 

'I want,' she curled into Clarke's side, resting her head on her chest.


	9. Reality Bites

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where to go from here? Graduation is approaching. Clarke knows she's going to New York and Lexa doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not exactly finished but what i had. I tried to be realistic. We have a little time jump here and start with them hanging out together. 
> 
> An anon on tumblr asked me to post this. It's not perfect but its what i see happening next. High school fics are hard to tie up. 
> 
> Feedback is love.

“Are you ok?” Clarke's voice in the semi dark room didn't surprise her. Her girlfriend always noticed the nuances of her mood. 

“What makes you think I'm not ok?” She arched her brows from where she was sat leaning against Clarke's headboard, her bare legs half under the duvet and the rest of her underwear clad body exposed. Clarke was sitting in a chair beside the bed, feet on the edge and sketchpad on her knees, pencil moving endlessly across paper, the pale light of dawn casting her in an ethereal glow. 

“Lexa…" Clarke actually put down her pencil, and tucked the sketch pad against her chest.

“I'm writing…my head is just in the pages. I’m fine, Clarke,” she gave a casual shrug, the lie thick on her tongue. 

“I have made it a hobby of mine to study you and every facial feature, every gesture you pull, and every tick and tell. You're biting the end of the pencil, and your eyes are looking at the paper without seeing it, and you keep flexing your toes which are three things you do when you're nervous. Why are you nervous?” Clarke threw the sketchpad to the floor beside her bed, placing the pencil carefully on her bedside table before crawling across the covers and straddling Lexa’s lap. Given that Clarke was only wearing a bra and some boy short underwear Lexa tossed her notebook and pen aside and placed her hands on her girlfriends hips, tugging her closer and staring appreciatively at her boobs, getting lost in the soft, inviting warmth. 

“See something you like there, huh?” Clarke laughed a little. 

“I like to study you too,” she offered up and Clarke tangled her fingers into her hair and dragged her face into her cleavage. Lexa felt the stress drain out of her, the negative thoughts lift from where they had been at the forefront of her mind. She sucked in greedy breaths of Clarke's sweet skin. “You're so sexy,” she mewled, her thumbs sneaking under the edges of her shorts after she slid her hands to firm, warm thighs. 

“No fucking if you don't do the talking,” Clarke shook her head. 

“That wasn't what you were saying an hour ago,” she smirked. 

“An hour ago I was desperate to come after your hand insisted on wondering all through dinner…"

“And you're not desperate to come now?’” she attempted a full on distraction, pushing her fingers right under the shorts and finding Clarke's clit with practiced ease. Five months of sleeping together had made sleeping together five times better, and that was on top of what was already hedonistic, hormone felled greatness.

“I am,” Clarke moaned softly, “but I love you...and you're nervous...and fuck…stop..." She whimpered but at the word stop Lexa pulled her warm hands out of her underwear and set them back on her hips. 

“School is over in six weeks,” Lexa bit down on her lip. “My uncle's house is on the market, and I haven't heard from anywhere we applied…anywhere that I applied…”

“You haven't had a no,” Clarke pointed out.

“And I haven't had a yes. And even with a yes I need so much, so much that I don’t have, to even have a hope of actually going.”

“You will get in, Lex,” Clarke insisted, “because you're amazing and wonderful and they’re going to see that. They’re going to see it and they are going to give you a place and make sure you can accept it.”

“Clarke, I applied to six places that we're hiring last week…"

“I know. You said you hadn't heard…"

“I didn't get an interview for one of them. They said they have over  a hundred applicants for each post and that the people applying had so much more experience than me,” she sighed finding it hard to admit the truth. The other half of the truth swelled inside of her, a grotesque ball of angst and distress. 

“It's their loss Lexa - they should be begging you to work for them.”

“But they aren’t," she pointed out softly. 

“If you're worried about where you're going to live, please don't. My parents said you can stay here, which means we can have a summer filled with sun, hanging out, swimming and sex, so much sex Lexa. Close intimate sex, wild crazy sex, drunk sex, hang on to the bed frame sex.'

“All the sex sounds good…" she stuttered slightly at the images in her head. “But…"

“No buts, Lexa,” Clarke took her hand and pressed it against the gorgeous softness of her boob. After a second she smiled and moved Lexa’s hand around to place it on her ass, “well except this one.”

“Clarke,” she pleaded because she needed her girlfriend to be serious, and the ass in her hand, Clarke's provocative position on her lap, it was all making it hard to focus on the very real problem she had. 

“I'm sorry,” Clarke lay down on her looking a little sheepish. “Tell me what's up? Please. I know you're nervous and I just...I wanted to lighten things for you.”

“You do lighten things for me Clarke. Always. I don't...god...this year if I hadn't met you, I don't know where I would be now. Honestly. I can actually go days without crying now. I still...have this hole inside me. Grief is...it's a fuck up. It's this darkness inside of you that just invades everything. Things you can't imagine it being a part of. Like chocolate ice cream. Grief can literally suck the sweet and the joy from a bowl of chocolate ice cream. Or a beautiful sunny day because the warmth on your skin reminds you that their skin is cold, the light in your eyes makes you think of eyes that will never open and how you'll never again see their colour again. It makes you panic because you doubt your ability to remember the exact colour. Missing someone who isn't just somewhere else but gone forever… it's a part of you forever. You fall in love and that love sharpens their absence. There's a bitterness to all things sweet, even you,” she stared at blue eyes unaware she was crying until Clarke brushed a tear away from her cheek. 

“Lexa...I love you,” Clarke whispered and she found herself swallowing back a sob because Clarke always seemed to know what she needed. No amounts of ‘I get you’ and ‘it must be tough’ were ever going to really help. But Clarke...she made Lexa feel loved for being exactly who she was. 

“What happens in September?” she burst out. 

“When I go to college in New York?”

“Yes,” she nodded. “What do I do then?”

“You could come with me…" Clarke sounded serious.

“How? I have no money, no job, no future…”

“There's a community college in every part of New York and my room is a single so you're welcome in my bed...I'd rather live off campus than share… well, with anyone but you. I mean it Lexa. There's always work in New York. It might not be what you want to do, not yet, but that's ok. You have a goal… ]study English, and then convert to teaching. And you may get a late acceptance. That's still a possibility.”

“With financial aid and in New York?” Lexa knew she looked cynical.

“It doesn't have to be New York,” Clarke pressed a kiss to her neck.

“But you're in New York,” she stated stubbornly. 

“You'll still be my girlfriend if I'm in New York and you're not…" Clarke whispered in her ear, and wrapped her arms right around her. “And it's twenty second hug time,” she informed her. Clarke was a big believer in the need for long, close cuddles to release endorphins. Lexa's arms slid around the girl, fingers wrapping strands of blond hair around them, as she pressed kisses to Clarke's neck. 

“I know we probably won't be together once you get to New York. I'm not stupid. I know that we're young and have got tons of experiences to have and your life is, well, you're heading for good things. I just...I don't know. Feel like New York together...it makes the end less inevitable.”

“Lexa,” Clarke shifted away from her. 

“What?"

“Nothing in life is inevitable except for death…"

“Yeah, yeah,” she muttered. 

“Seriously. I love you. I think you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen, on the outside but you know inside too. You’re sweet, and kind and I think you get me. I think you make me laugh and whenever I'm with you I have a better time than when I'm not. Sex with you is fantastic. You make my heart beat harder whether we’re having sex or not. We're young and it's likely we'll both be attracted to other people, but right now? I can't see it.”

“I love your optimism,” was all Lexa could manage to say. 

“But do you love it as much as I love your cynicism?” Clarke grinned.

“You do not love my cynicism,” she rolled her eyes, feeling levity return with Clarke's tease. Clarke was so good at bringing a softness and ease to her tension. 

“Oh I do,” Clarke leaned on her elbows so she was hovering close to her, “I love how you get this little furrow as you disagree…" she dragged her finger across Lexa's forehead, “I wish I could give you some of my certainty. Some of my trust that it’ll work out.”

“Why should I trust anything? Nothing has worked out for me ever,” Lexa sighed and then looked up at Clarke under lowered lids, “except for that crush I had on a cute lil blonde.”

“Dork,” Clarke giggled. 

“I need a plan,” Lexa admitted. “I need to make a plan for when this plan troubles.”

“A plan B.”

“And a plan C and D.”

“If you don’t have a job by graduation, if you don’t have a place to study, you apply to community college in New York, and for every job going.”

“I can’t rely on your parents. On you.”

“And you cant go to New York early because where are you going to live?”

“See why I need a plan B?”

“And I can’t be your plan B? I want to be all your plans, Lexa.”

“I want that too. And you are. I just need a job, a way to earn my keep.”

“Let me think, sexy Lexi,” Clarke leaned into her and rocked her body, sliding Lexa’s hand back onto her thigh.

“This helps your thinking?”

“Actually it does,” Clarke smirked and pressed their lips together. 

******

“Lexa,” Clarkes mom was staring at her with those smart, calculating eyes of hers.

“Dr. Griffin,” she nodded, wishing Clarke would get back from the bathroom. 

“You have talent,” Lexa was confused.

“Yes, talent. You write well, and about interesting things.”

“How have you read anything I’ve written?”

“I don’t often go into Clarke’s space and she's usually a tidy girl, but the weekend you two spent in New York visiting schools there was a smell. It was coming from a dish which was on a short story you wrote, one you submitted to New York funnily enough.”

“You read it?”

“I did. And I’m glad I did. It was an invasion of privacy but I’m not sorry I did it. Lexa, you have talent and I have connections. I’d be a fool to not acknowledge that you make my daughter happy. I don’t want you living with her in New York though.”

“Oh…you know about that?”

“Clarke isn’t exactly discrete about her plans to keep you close.”

“I think Clarke is deluded about the realities of my situation.”

“If she read your work, which I know she has, then she is not deluded. I have connections Lexa. At Columbia and their creative writing department. An old ex-boyfriend from a long time ago.”

“I didn’t apply to Columbia. Columbia had requirements I had no hope of meeting.”

“I sent him an email and a copy of that story. He wants two more short stories and to meet with you.”

“Dr. Griffin, I appreciate what you're trying to do but even if they wanted to give me a spot, I have no money. Nothing. I wouldn't be able to go.”

“Lexa, you wouldn't need money.”

“Everyone needs money.”  
“If this works, you'd be on a scholarship. The faculty head was very impressed.”

“Very impressed isn't always enough. I’m barely graduating. They're not going to be giving me a scholarship.”

“Why don’t you try, Lexa?”

“Sure I’ll try.”

“Having Professor Green interested in your work is a compliment. She is considered to be something of an expert.”

“I appreciate you trying to help.”

*****************************

“Columbia was always a long shot, babe,” Clarke had tears in her eyes, but Lexa felt worse. “And they do want you.”

“Just after I make up the deficits in my academic record.”

“So go to community college, don’t give up.”

“Clarke,” Lexa sighed and stood up, moving to stare out the window. 

“What?” Clarke moved behind her, arms wrapping around her tightly.

“I can’t find work. I have no money. I need a plan C. I need something.”

“Stay a year,” Clarke mumbled.

“Stay a year? I don't understand. Stay where?”

“Here. In my room, with my family. Stay at high school. It might be possible with the missed schooling. Get those missing credits for free. Write, like all the time. Then apply again.”

“Your parents wouldn't want me….”

“They told me to suggest it.”

"I don't want to do that," Lexa mumbled. The continued in a quieter voice, "I want to be with you."

"And maybe this is how you do it.

"By not being with you?"

"By not being with me right now," Clarke looked down. "I want to be with you. I can wait a year for you to get to New York."


End file.
